Last month I had to make the gut-wrenching decision of when to bring Piper to the vet one last time. Without a doubt the hardest decision I’ve faced and even up to the very last moment, I still wasn’t sure about the timing. My dad was with me, at the request of Piper, of course. She wanted her favorite grand dog dad there, probably because she knew I’d be a mess because I’d been a mess all day. All week, really. Carrying her everywhere not as much because she needed it but because I did. I needed her close. I had to feel her warmth. Pet her course fur. Twirl her ears. Nap with her, not totally sure when it would be our last nap together. I still remember our first nap together.
After bringing her home, in the first week or so I’d called my sister in a little bit of a panic, wondering if Piper was going to need my attention all day every day. My sister helped calm my anxiety and sometime around then, maybe the next day or the next, I needed a nap. So naturally, I just laid flat on my stomach on the carpeted living room floor. Piper curled up between my legs and there we were, taking our naps together… a habit that went on for the next 15 years.
I’ve never been a decisive person. How was I supposed to take this step with Piper’s life? It’s all I could think about and as I contemplated everything, Thursday kept coming to my mind. It’s not the day I wanted, heck I wanted Piper to live forever. But it was her health. Her not eating. Not being able to walk or barely standing up at all. Thursday. I called the vet to ask about Thursday. Who’s ever ready for that kind of vet visit? I certainly wasn’t. A few last nights of sleep. A few last snuggles.
The veterinarian, the vet techs, the staff were all so gracious, respectful, giving Piper the dignity a good beagle deserves. Thursday. The same day Hulk Hogan died and somehow I thought that was fitting for Piper since I was her #1 Piper-maniac.
A couple of sweet things happened the weekend following. Anyone that knows me probably knows I like to dance. Contra dance specifically. These occasions happen twice a month, every other Friday. It so happened that the Friday after the Thursday there was a dance. If I had ever needed smiling faces, fun dances, and a couple of hours to lose myself in music and do-se-do’ing my neighbor, that was it. Like I said, those dances happen twice a month, sometime’s only once a month if there’s a holiday or bad weather (hurricane’s and whatnot, since we’re in Florida after all). Two weekends in a row NEVER happens. But for whatever reason on this weekend, there was not just one dance. There was another one on Saturday night, too. Two nights in a row, what!? Two dances on two consecutive nights and I needed that second one as much as I needed the first.
That would have been enough but then Sunday at church one of my favorite singers was on stage helping lead worship. I don’t even know this person but it’s a voice that honestly makes me stop singing just so I can listen. It’s as if God knew exactly what I’d need, go figure! As sad as I had been about Piper and the whole week of deciding with what to do, that voice and all the dancing was a simple reminder that everything was going to be OK.
I didn’t want to say goodbye. I wanted Piper to be happy again. I wanted her to run again. To eat again. I wanted one more night with her. One more weekend. I still miss her so much and I’m so grateful I got to call her mine for her whole life. She was a challenge don’t get me wrong, she made me work, but she will always be my #1 first pup. I can hardly believe my life doesn’t include her anymore. But there will be more dances. More church singing. More sweet memories that make it a little more bearable.
I love you Piper. You were the bestest of beagles and I hope you’re chasing all the rabbits in Heaven. Today’s post is one of 15 I’m writing to celebrate and remember Piper’s 15 years on earth. Here are the first 5…
You Make Me Wanna Roll My Windows Down and Cruise
-Out of the Wilderness
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Out of the Wilderness 
I cried all through your article. Of course I did. I know that sadness. It’s forever a part of you now (even if from the POV of others you seem to be able to skip, and laugh, and smile again). There are SO MANY things that are unbearable about the experience, the loss we know. One of them is that any new person in our lives will never know us as when we existed with our best bud at our side. That grief, those life-changing moments of profound loss over the years (of my dogs, of my parents, of my sister) are undoubtedly the reasons that the me that now exists without them here physically in my world make it impossible for me to want to or care to let anyone else in. I am not the me I was with them. But I somehow get up in the morning, pray on my knees, and I thank God for the three-legged-dog-in-a-cat’s-body He brought into my daily world shortly after my hound dog/beagle Cradle suddenly became sick and died a few hours later — and that was just a couple years after my rescued pit bull, Lorenzo, died in my arms. God gave me – the girl who has only napped with and rubbed the bellies of her dogs and her horse her whole life and who knew nothing about cats — a cat who acts just like a dog. This lingering of grief, loss, and sadness has a way of making me not want to share anything about my life with new people on my life’s path. Sure someone can share with me their stories, experiences, fears, and dreams, but they won’t hear much of mine. I wish I could tell you that it will get better — you being without your beloved Piper in your daily life, on your road trips, during your naps. But that would be a lie.
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It’s true, no one will truly appreciate the experiences we had with our pups. Not as much as we do from having been with them for those stories, for a long time, for the funny moments, the boring moments, all the times even we have forgotten about. But while it hasn’t gotten better since that Thursday, it’s been a little easier to cope now. Early on I just took it hour by hour, praying to make it from the morning to the afternoon then to the evening. Share your stories with people so they can at least know a little bit about those we have loved. And say hi to your cool cat for me. 🙂
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