CDC Recommends Face Mask Masks to Help Slow the Spread of Happiness

Atlanta, GA — The Center for Disease Control conducted a COVID-19 study earlier this month, the results of which have become the foundation of a list of new guidelines published today. One of the recommendations is garnering praise from politicians and government officials who feel as if Americans do not have enough rules to follow as it is. “I’ve been busy shutting things down all over my county from funerals and weddings to Thanksgiving and Christmas parades,” said Mayor of Nashville, John Cooper.

The study showed that many people constantly touch the outside of their mask whether it’s to adjust for comfort or to get a breath of fresh air. “This habit significantly reduces the effectiveness of the mask,” says CDC staff member Mark Teague. “Based on our research, we are advising everyone heading out the door to grab another mask because if wearing one mask saves lives, then wearing two masks will save even more lives.”

According to the official explanation, using a second mask on top of the first mask means the first mask will be touched less often. When asked by reporters about the threat of the second mask being touched regularly and thus still spreading the virus, CDC ended the press conference.

Power-hungry governors and mayors seem to be chomping at the bit to implement this as a mandate in their respective cities and states. Gavin Newsom, Governor of California stated, “I was coming up empty on more ways to deflate the morale of Californians, but I’m thankful that now I’ll have another way to give people something to frown about.”

-OTW News

Fragile Biden shows another sign of weakness, vulnerability

At this point in his political career, Joe Biden’s 2020 Presidential run is looking more like Lemony Snicket’s Series of Unfortunate Events. How he is anyone’s #1 choice for President is mind-boggling. He seems to have miscues or gaffes almost daily. If you still need to vote, consider that it might be the Democrats plan for Biden to simply be a placeholder for Kamala Harris which, if true, would be one of the most sneaky, evil things to ever happen in American politics. Remember that when you go to vote. If you like Harris, more power to you. But let’s get back to Biden’s blunders, bloopers, and baffling campaign… he and his wife recently cast their votes in Delaware. Take a look at the video as they exited the building in the first 20 seconds of this video.

Nothing about his posture and body language says, “energy, vibrancy, strength.” In fact, it says the exact opposite, “fragile, vulnerable, weak.”

When we see a person being assisted down a small set of steps by their spouse, other options should be considered for who we want to be the leader of our great country.

What do you think about this single event? How about him picking a VP running mate that just a few months prior called him racist? Should any of this be a concern as part of a broader view of Biden’s possible physical (and mental) decline? Leave a comment below and let’s chat!

-Out of the Wilderness

Biden To Grow Leg Hair Out For “No Shave November”

Greenville, DE — Touted as a “man of the people,” Joe Biden aims to show he has not lost touch with Americans by participating in “No Shave November,” an on-going effort to raise awareness of and funds for cancer research. Typically men participating in fundraiser forego shaving their face, however Biden is reportedly going to focus on his legs.

I got hairy legs that turned … blonde in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach into the pool and rub my leg down so it was straight and watch the hair come back up again.

Joe Biden
(not Joe Biden’s legs) Photo by Kaique Rocha on

By putting a halt on manscaping for the entire month, Biden is hoping for three things:

  • This will demonstrate how relatable he is
  • Raise awareness for cancer research
  • That someone will rub his hairy legs again

Although his legs haven’t been a main topic on the campaign trail, Joe’s willingness to let the hair grow out is clear evidence he would be a great President who will restore the soul of America. To this point, Joe recently said, “I’m running as a hairy-legged Democrat but I will govern as a hairy-legged American president. Come, touch, find out for yourself just how hairy they are. Then watch the hair come back up. See you at the pool!”

Joe Biden Exercises with

“Basement to 5k” Plan

OTW News

The Biden campaign team has asked supporters who come out to rub Joe’s legs to wear masks, stay 6 feet apart, and limit touching to between the knee and ankle because Joe is ticklish on his thighs and feet. Photos are allowed and those posting to social media can use the hashtag #HairyLegzForPrez.

-OTW News

The perfect walk with my dogs… until this happened :(

I walked my dogs the other day around our normal route. It’s a bit over a mile looping through my neighborhood. We were really huffing it and I was proud of them! I kind of used dinner as a motivation… “Ready to eat?” is the go-to question and they both know exactly what it means. I ask this especially when they get stuck on sniffing one blade of grass for 5 minutes.

They were real champs though. What normally takes a bit over 30 minutes was about to happen in under 25 minutes!! We break records here in Nashville. I guess they were really looking forward to dinner, huh?

We were about a minute from the house, which I could see in the distance. Then it happened. Well, I should say earlier it happened… someone tossed out a half eaten candy bar! Who DOES that? So, of course, my beagle (who’s really a nose with a dog attached to it) found it and inhaled everything. I quickly shoved my hand in her mouth so she wouldn’t eat the wrapper along with the chocolate and barely avoided her sharp teeth and firm bite! I pulled out the wrapper, which seemed to just slowly slither out of her mouth as she fully disagreed with what I was doing.

At this point my hand is covered with dog slobber and wet chocolate. Lovely.

The idea of making it home in record time was still possible, but it wouldn’t be under 25 minutes. It was 26 minutes. That lazy person throwing out their chocolate bar ruined everything!!

OK, not really. We still had a good walk even though it ended with some drama. I mean, have you ever had to simultaneously keep two dogs away from human food, while one of them is doing everything she can to eat everything she can? It can be wild, I tell ya!

-Out of the Wilderness

Joe Biden Exercises With “Basement to 5k” Plan

Greenville, DE — Similar to the popular exercise program “Couch to 5K,” designed to help couch potatoes achieve in about 9 weeks the ability to run a 5K, Joe Biden is exercising with the “Basement to 5K” plan. The plan is simple, says a source close to the former Vice President:

Joe is in the golden years of his life so we just want to keep his body from total atrophy. This ‘Basement to 5K’ thing seems to be working but we have no idea what we’ll do, or how long Joe will last, if he actually wins the election.


This mention of ‘the golden years’ is referring to the time in a person’s life after retirement when they typically slow down and have fewer responsibilities, fitting for Biden who has meals and meds delivered to his bedside while other politicians campaign on his behalf. Biden’s team believes the basement of his sprawling Delaware home is the safest place for the Presidential nominee to avoid contact with anyone showing coronavirus symptoms, or anyone asking difficult questions like, “How is your run for Senate going?” or “Can you tell us more about Corn Pop?”

His physical trainers say what gives Joe a pep in his step is the reward of sniffing the hair of head trainer Richard Simmons if he can catch him.

The “Basement to 5K” plan is a win/win for Joe. In the present, it keeps his nearly 80-year old body from completely shutting down and in the future, he’ll be comfortable being outside for just a few minutes each day in any Federal prison to which he is sent.

-OTW News