I Had To Say No…

---

I had to say no. Well, technically I did have a choice. I could’ve said yes. A few weeks ago I was asked if I was interested in doing something. A simple yes or no question. The timing was kind of ironic and humbling because not an hour earlier I was basically bragging that I’d learned how to say ‘no’ confidently. Then I get asked and what was my answer?

---

I didn’t say ‘yes’ and I didn’t say ‘no.’ Is that because I’m a classic Enneagram 4, the last child of 4, or a Capricorn? I don’t know. I supposed that’s something I need to think about, too. 🙃 Over the course of a few days, I wrestled with the decision. It became a fight between my head and my heart. My heart was a yes but my head kept coming up with reasons to back away slowly. Isn’t it so much easier to just flip a coin?

---

As I’ve grown into the 45-year-old man I am today, I’ve tried to become a more decisive person and I’ve still got a very long way to go. I don’t want to beat myself up over it, though. I was created with the characteristic of thinking deeply about things and that’s a good thing! The drawback is that sometimes I tend to overthink things, especially if there’s an element of letting someone down in the process.

It took over a week to come to a conclusion I was mostly happy with, but I struggled along the way. Some days I’d wake up and think, just take a chance and say yes but by the time I went to bed, it was back to no. In the end, my head prevailed and I submitted my answer.

I feel a peace about it, which helps to confirm my decision and will hopefully keep me from thinking more about it (Did I make the wrong choice? Can I change my mind? Did I just ruin my entire life?). For now though, I believe it came down to a matter of timing. My heart was all in but the logical side said… not yet. So maybe eventually if I get faced with the same question again, I’ll be a ‘yes.’ Until then, I’ll just be here waiting for the next thing to come along that I can overthink about.

---

-Out of the Wilderness