I didn’t want to write about this until I talked to my family. Like that’s an easy step or something. There’s so much pride in my heart (and not the admirable kind) that I’m finding it very difficult to admit to my parents, siblings, that I recently made a really big mistake. Like, very big. Gigantic. And it’s nobody’s fault but my own. Quick backstory: I live with my two dogs in a camper so I don’t have a family of my own, per se. So these people in my life are the ones I wanted to tell first before going online with the story.
Yesterday I had one of the worst days of my life, apart from losing loved ones and stuff like that. I have no idea how the day got like this, except to say that it was a blur. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, angry, sad. My hands and feet were tingling like being pricked by a thousand needles. I lost my appetite, I couldn’t sleep… because the weight of “chasing losses,” as it’s called, devastated me all day. I’m talking about sports betting and specifically in my case, Hard Rock Bet. It’s legal in Florida according to the jingle. I’m even waking up today devastated and asking myself what I’ve done. It started with just a few dollars and ballooned to so much more. I’ve cried, prayed, yelled, paced the floor (and in a camper that’s a lot of turning around). At this point I feel almost completely hopeless. Why didn’t I truly learn my lesson the first time I wrote about sports gambling?
I know this for sure, now: Forever, I’m done with sports gambling. I have never felt so unhealthy, disconnected from reality, and alone. That is, until I had a good, long talk with the people I admire the most– my parents. Both my mom and my dad stopped what they were doing just to sit down with me and, in a way, carry the burden with me. I told them everything from how the day started to how it ended. They said they could sense something was wrong that day because I was acting different. I’m SO glad I have them in my life especially for this experience, one of the hardest days I’ve had to go through. Originally, this post was going to be designed as a preface for my GoFundMe pitch. You know, hey you, help me financially through this massive obstacle I put in my own way. Through the guidance of my dad and mom, I’m not going to do that, though. They shared wisdom for a few ways to tackle this: God and good work. Of course, there IS a way you can knock two birds out with one stone. 😉 You can contribute to my material recovery process AND have an awesome gift for someone you love! I’ve written two children’s books and I love them both so much. OK, the pitch for my books is done… here are the links, then we’ll get on with the story. OK now the pitch is done. ✅
“Big and Small God, Made Them All” and “The Brave Bamboo”
Although I was a mess when I confessed all of this to my parents– talking about how I’m not good at anything, I’m hopeless, how can I recover this debt, all that kind of dramatic stuff, they had nothing but encouragement, no shaming, no judgement. I cannot very accurately say how much that has meant to me already. I still need to talk with my sister and brother-in-law, and I’m imagining it will be just as humbling to admit this disappointing part of my life.
But there’s a bright side. As my parents explained, this can be a wake up call. Lately, you see, I’ve been wondering about life, about my purpose, and all of that came to a head yesterday for me. And all it took was a terrible experience with sports bets. And it was so terrible. I cried but not in a “woe is me” kind of way, it was all in confession to God that I don’t really like who I am. I’m struggling to find purpose. But now I can see a little bit of a light, even though I’ll be honest that I still feel the burden, too. That won’t go away in just one day. I made poor decisions but if this can be a life lesson and a change of course towards something better, a direction that includes acknowledging that I pretty much suck at life when I try to do it on my own without God (like Ecclesiastes says in the Old Testament), then maybe, just maybe this experience won’t be in vain, or vanity as Solomon would say.
Two last things: One from my mom who heard a woman in her Bible study say just this morning that sometimes God doesn’t remove the struggle, or save us from it, but he will be with us through them and carry us to the other side.
And the other thing: I was listening to UB40 (still on my UB40 binge I guess?) and a certain song popped up. It’s not about faith but the sentiment is so true. I felt as if God was telling me “bring me your cup, I’ll fill you up.”
-Out of the Wilderness
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Out of the Wilderness 