The frustration is still fresh. Not that I placed a bet on anything specific and lost, but the realization that I’m just as susceptible as anyone else to make pretty big life mistakes. It’s been exactly one month since I had a terrible, no good, very bad day and if you want to catch yourself up, read a recap here.
And it wasn’t just one decision. It was a series of poor choices and I guess you could ask any gambler (addict, etc) and they’d say the same thing. I remember laying in bed that night thinking, “How did I get here?” But when I check my bank statement, I’m like, “Oh yeah, that’s how.” Withdrawal. Withdrawal. Withdrawal. No deposits. 👀
Wouldn’t it be nice if every bad experience was just contained to the day it happened? No spill over. No consequences. I could’ve woken up the next day as if it never happened. In fact, I remember really hoping it was all just a bad dream. But now 30 some odd days have passed and I’m still feeling the real ramifications. One revelation, and in a weird way I’m grateful for this, is that a weakness was exposed. I don’t have a gambling addiction, it’s not that kind of thing. But the idea that I could fall so hard wasn’t something I believed could happen. And then it did. What was the root cause? What was I trying to satisfy by participating in those bets that day? How can I keep from making the same mistake again?
Winter is when nature resets. Grass dies. Flowers die. Animals hibernate. But then in the spring there’s new life. Colors burst out. Pollen too, but I’m trying to get to something positive here! That nasty day I had a month ago was a winter for me. But there have been moments of new life. Spring. Rethinking how I relate to my bank account, what I’m doing to strengthen relationships with people, where I can be more ambitious and proactive. I think that I was pretty much just floating along before that day and now I have a better sense of purpose and grit. That’s a good thing, right? Plus, seeing that I can be blindsided by my own weakness has given me the opportunity to search out something stronger, in my case I’ve sort of started a new mantra: I’m only betting (not monetarily because I suck at that!) on God. I mean, if I were to think I could fix this on my own, look how badly I screwed it up to begin with on my own…
I’m making a list of what’s going on as a direct result of that day and the list is growing almost daily. Very interesting. I’m not saying I’m totally over the hurt and everything. Like I said at the beginning, it all still feels pretty fresh.
But I believe God is going to work it into something good. Maybe even multiple somethings. I’m actually looking forward to experiencing the redemption in whatever forms it comes. And on a totally unrelated note, if you enjoyed today’s post consider making a $1 donation to Out of the Wilderness to help me continue posting daily and also subscribe by adding your email below.
-Out of the Wilderness
Discover more from Out of the Wilderness
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
Out of the Wilderness 