Pepper-sprayed vegan struggles with choice of milk relief

San Francisco, CA — Earlier reports of civil unrest among vegans in San Fransisco were confirmed today as cell phone video emerges showing vegan getting milk poured on his pale face after being pepper sprayed by a police officer.

Watching the video, it’s unclear if he was concerned whether the milk was coconut, almond, soy, cashew, cashew+almond, coconut+almond, rice, oat, hemp, goat, lactose-free, condensed, buffalo, or cow.

Said one protester who doesn’t have a dog in the fight (he’s omnivorous), no offense, “I saw the guy getting milk poured on his face and didn’t think anything of it. But then a few frail-looking guys with big mustaches came up to him and were not happy at all.”

It was quickly identified as whole milk by his friends who immediately chastised him as one reprimands a puppy who just eliminated on the living room carpet, no offense. With megaphone in hand, one vehemently asked, “How many cows had to die for your privileged eyes today?” While the answer is that no cows had to die, since cows don’t die from being milked, no offense, the sentiment permeated through the crowd as quickly as a California brush fire.

The lone vegan was not given the opportunity to defend himself using the same megaphone because of coronavirus but as you can imagine if you could hear him, and as experienced demonstrators will testify, pepper spray feels like it’s hell raining cats and dogs, no offense, into your eyeballs.

After publicly disavowing their friendship with this particular man, the crowd of vegans went out among the larger group of protesters to explain how they get their protein each day.

-OTW News

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