You know how people are gay sometimes? Well, I’m not saying Barack Obama is… but he dresses well and he’s got a lot of female friends. You do the math. Either way, conspiracy theorists who think his wife Michelle is a man are going to have a field day with info that just “came out” about Barack.
Rumor Has It. All kidding aside, the rumor mill is going full-tilt after the Obamas chef woke up dead the other day. Of course, a high profile family like Barack and Michelle will be in the news if someone just sneezes awkwardly in their presence but when someone dies, that’s definitely going to make the news even if neither Obama had anything to do with it… allegedly.
Why is the chef’s passing significant? Well, almost simultaneously, there was news about Barack’s romantic history with men.
Cloudy With A Chance of Men. News flash, he doesn’t really have any public history with men in a romantic sense. But a piece of info was revealed recently that a former girlfriend allegedly received a love letter from Barack back in his college days. Allegedly, he wrote about wanting to be romantic with men. Barack wasn’t our first black president, but could he have been our first gay president without us even knowing it? If that love letter is genuine, I actually applaud Obama for showing restraint. Especially as part of a party that says embrace all of your deepest desires. Perhaps he had goals and things he wanted to achieve (like being president one day), and he thought indulging in any type of homosexual behavior might jeopardize that for him.
Yes, Chef. Conspiracy theorists question that if the Obama’s personal chef is/was spending a lot of time with the lovebirds, how much did he know about their comings and goings? Did he see or hear something he shouldn’t have? It’s a far-fetched idea and if they were going to eliminate him because he knew too much, I have serious doubts they’d concoct a story about something as fun, and by all means safe, as paddleboarding. Maybe they should’ve taken some creative notes from this Train song.
Don We Now Our Gay Apparel. Since Barack had a girlfriend at the time, the new info would mean less that he was gay and more that he was bisexual in a time of American history where bisexual was very taboo, especially for men. Kind of like current news about comedian Wayne Brady. In the most interesting news since your neighbor’s colonoscopy, Wayne Brady announced he’s pansexual. Which means, let’s just be honest, he’s into dudes. B-List celebrities coming out as gay, bi, pan, trans, poly, non-binary in 2023 is like telling us what your favorite color of backsplash is in a kitchen you’re remodeling. It’s boring but people are usually nice enough not to tell you how much they don’t care. You’re an adult, Mr. Brady, do what you want. We don’t really need to know about it, right? Like the “Stranger Things” actor who recently said he’s gay. Umm, OK, thanks for the info, I guess?
True Colors. Entertainment celebrities declaring their sexual preferences is one thing, but a (current or) former president hiding or possibly being someone we didn’t think they were is pretty relevant. If Barack were to just address this love letter situation one way or the other, it would headline the news for about 5 minutes until the next ludicrous thing came along. That’s kind of what the truth does. It deflates anything that isn’t the truth. Imagine, though, having Barack as the poster child for your progressive movement (if news broke that he STILL was interested in men)? Barack riding on a pride parade float down the streets of Los Angeles next year would have people across the whole spectrum of genders (I know, there’re only two) openly weeping between twerking sessions and naked bike riding.
It would be a whole thing.
Tell Me Why? In 2023 America, coming out as gay, pansexual, bisexual, trans, or whatever else has been invented this week is one of the most brave things you can do, according to liberals everywhere. It really just looks like a cry for publicity. If you really want to make waves, come out as a straight man who believes there are two genders and see how your name gets smeared. The horror.
-Out of the Wilderness
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