She’s going to get engaged and I have to be OK with that

There’s a woman I dated a long time ago and I know one day she’s going to get engaged. It’s something I think about, wondering how I’ll react when I hear the news. Some days I I’ll be OK with it, and other days I think it’ll be devastating. It’s not like I’m competing or anything… hoping to to get a mark in the W column if I get married before she does. I mean, at this point, any “marriage” competition I’ve had with anyone has ended up as a loss for me. I’m 41 and single!!!

There were semi-valid reasons she and I broke up and I know part of what’s happening with me since then is sort of what’s in the song “Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen)” by Baz Luhrmann… specifically what’s in bold here:

Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past
from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts
and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

In other words, I may  be looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses. I know for a fact it wasn’t all peachy all the time. I can’t explain why I still have dreams about her or if it means anything at all. In my low points, I think I missed my chance at love and marriage because she’s going to get engaged and it should’ve been me. That thought alone makes my heart sink.

I’m this close to accepting that, because I’ve sort of screwed up my love life, I’ll be paying for it the rest of my days on earth. I didn’t mean to make this post such a downer (sorry!), but then I figured, why not reveal a little more about what goes on in my mind and heart concerning relationships.

-Out of the Wilderness

 

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