I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body

June is the month when corporations all over the world United States celebrate people’s sexuality, so I thought it would be the perfect day to reveal my true self. I could use the attention and I really want Target to put me in one of their commercials. If I’m really lucky, I’ll get my face printed on a can of A&W root beer (like my hero Dylan Mulvaney and Bud Light). Ok here it goes… I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.

Don’t read too much into this and definitely don’t use your white, or brown, or American, or Asian, or European, or human, privilege to decipher that being a lesbian man really just means I’m a straight dude who likes women. Only God can judge me!

For too long lesbians like me have been getting the shaft (pardon the irony). It’s happening again with the acronym we all know: LGBTQ. It’s always started with L but now 2S has been added to the front. 2SLGBTQ+. Women are always getting overlooked, huh? If you don’t know, 2S stands for two-spirit, the perfect personality for the pronouns they/them. And don’t even get me started on the straight people appropriating the word queer. 😤

Actually, I feel bad for gay people. They’ve been around forever and now they’re just kind of boring compared to their courageous peers. Like, dude, your guy over there is a non-binary, agender, asexual, two-spirit, assigned female at birth but identifies as a they/them, shaves his head but not his pits. He has a girlfriend and a boyfriend and lives with a group of polyamorous cat-lovers… and all you are is gay?

Boring.

Get with the times, my man! You’re the true OG! Original Gay. I’m really starting to miss the good ol’ days when there were just women and men, and they were either straight or gay. Now the possibilities are limitless but as for me, I’ll just keep on being a male lesbian who likes non-lesbian females.

-Out of the Wilderness

The Peloton Twerking Commercial – The Music, Pet Peeves, and More…

**UPDATE: Peloton’s latest high-cringe commercial features more irritating phrases, check it out!**

Peloton is back with a brand new commercial for literally everyone. After all, the ad is called “Peloton. Anyone. Anywhere.” Gone are the days where Peloton is just a bike in your bedroom. Now it’s a bike, an app, a coach, a partner… in your home, in the yard, on the court, by the pool, wherever. Take a look at the commercial then scroll down for more info…

The Music. Playing along this minute-long ad is “KILL DEM” by Jamie xx. Here’s the full track.

The Twerking. Viewers were quick to point out the confusing inclusion of a woman twerking on an outdoor basketball court. Random? Yes. But it might fit in the “cardio” category of their app. Just giving them the benefit of the doubt.

Dancing (in whatever form it happens) is a great workout. It’s too bad this particular clip with the twerking woman rates pretty high on the cringe scale.

Pet Peeves. Peloton ads are usually guilty of getting on my last nerve with their buzzy phrases. I wrote about it here and a great example is in the ad below.

Peloton has definitely carved out a spot for themselves in the home workout space. Do you think the ads we looked at today tip people in the direction of buying in to the Peloton world? Or would people at home rather see this buff stud do more workout videos?

See you all tomorrow.

-Out of the Wilderness

The Secret Apple Commercial – The Secrets, the Narrator, and the Music!

Apple has a new commercial airing out everyone’s secrets. No one is cheating on their spouse or stealing their friends brilliant inventions; the secrets are health-related and some are kind of embarrassing! Take a look then scroll down for more info…

The Music. If you thought the music sounded familiar, you might have connected it to the Knives Out! films. The song is called “Knives Out!, Pt. II (The Will)” by composer Nathan Johnson. Here’s the full track.

The Secrets. The commercial reveals some very personal secrets, but I’m sure we’ve all experienced one or two of these, right? Or is it only me that’s had hemorrhoids recently? I’m sharing too much. 🙃 There’s another secret I discovered when researching the commercial. In this People article, Knives Out! director Rian Johnson (cousin of composer Nathan Johnson) reveals that villains in film are not allowed to use iPhones, a condition imposed by Apple. That’s fascinating and quite helpful when trying to solve mystery movies, right? Of course, we’ve always known true bad boys use Android. 😏

The Narrator. Think of your favorite show or movie and chances are this woman has made an appearance or had a recurring role. It’s legendary actress Jane Lynch. Here she is in a great movie, Best In Show.

I love the commercial. What do you think about it? Chime in below and I’ll see you tomorrow…

-Out of the Wilderness

Which addiction would you rather have?

There are days I feel like I have my phone with me for almost every hour I’m awake. I think to myself, “Geez, so this is what addiction feels like, huh?” I think about people who smoke or use drugs or drink alcohol in excess. I can understand what they feel even if the draw isn’t quite the same.

All of this leads to an interesting question…

Would you rather be addicted to smoking or addicted to your smart phone?

Sometimes I think a smoking addiction would be better for me in the long run. Maybe not for my lungs, but I wonder if there’s a higher sense of satisfaction that comes from the cigarettes. Certainly there are some payoffs to the phone addiction, but sometimes it just seems all-consuming. With smoking, you go outside, light it up, finish, then go about your day. The phone, in comparison, doesn’t really have those kinds of limits, and probably a lot less satisfaction. You can pretty much use your phone anywhere at any time.

Scary stuff! Which would you pick and why?

-Out of the Wilderness

Listing an item for $1 on Facebook Marketplace

It’s a pet peeve I’ve had for awhile but it’s my current (least) favorite. I can’t even explain how much it ticks me the heck off when someone lists an item for $1 but the description has the actual asking price. Talk about bad etiquette! THOSE PEOPLE SHOULD GO TAKE A LONG WALK OFF A SHORT DOCK.

It just happened the other day that I messaged a guy about something he listed for $1. I had a little fun with him because he not only listed it for a buck, but he also included “or best offer.” What an idiot. I messaged him a few times and his responses got less and less enthused as we conversed. Eventually he told me to stop harassing him and I knew my job there was done.

What is it with these lunatics that think they’re doing something revolutionary? All they’re really doing is making themselves look slimy and dishonest. Am I overthinking this or should these people GO KICK ROCKS!?

-Out of the Wilderness