Hilariously Bad Dating Profiles – part 2

If you missed part 1, check it out here and then let’s continue in the funny, cringe-worthy, embarrassing world of online dating!

  1. Cigs yes, kids no. This gentleman purposely matched with a woman who clearly lists that she wants kids and doesn’t smoke. Take a look at his side of these issues. Not to mention she says she loves Jesus and he says he’s non-religious. Sounds like a match made in Heaven, although he would not believe it.

2. Trash talk. I wonder what his fun ideas are… going to a recycling center together?

3. A picture is worth a thousand words 50 cents. This guy used a picture of 50 Cent as his profile picture. My friend responds accordingly.

4. That’s a catty-looking dog.

5. They say people look like their pets. Here’s exhibit A.

6. Me, myself, and I. Maybe that phrase is what she meant… so she is 3 women?

7. Words of affirmation. Showering them with compliments will always win them over.

8. I’ve been everywhere, man. This is just one of my pet peeves I had to include. It comes across as bragging, narcissistic, and really, I don’t care where you’ve been mmmmmk?

9. Get with the times. You can’t say bomb on a plane and you can’t say her favorite team name anywhere.

Thanks for checking out these profiles. There are a lot more out there so if you’re sorting through looking for the diamond in the rough, be prepared to laugh and be sure to have an extra dose of patience.

-Out of the Wilderness

Hilariously Bad Dating Profiles – part 1

If you’re married or have decided not to date, be so, so, so, so thankful that you don’t have to deal with stuff like this! Check out the profiles below for a good chuckle.

  1. “Never” is a relative term.

2. The town of Brentwood, perhaps?

3. Used? No thanks.

This was from “missed connections” on Craigslist, so I filed it under dating 🙂

4. You have a 14% chance of guessing which one she is.

Ladies, never include photos of yourself with your prettier friends

5. How is this guy still single?

6. If you mention drinking this much, you drink too much.

7. It could be worse, no matter how much trouble urine.

8. The mind games of this one.

9. My guess is this voter is still in the booth, confused.

Be sure to check back soon for part 2!

-Out of the Wilderness

Donald Trump cost me a date, so I wrote him a letter

Dear Donald Trump,

While I believe you are attempting to do good for our country, there is a person here in Tennessee that has been negatively affected by your accomplishments. And that person is me. You see, among other things, I like that you care for the unborn. I like that you care for the born. In fact, my appreciation for your preservation of our society is why I’m writing this today.

Recently I struck up a relationship with a pretty lady. Now, I’ll be the first to admit we weren’t exactly a match made in Heaven. Areas she and I disagreed on were mostly deal-breakers but early on we DID agree on something: to focus on what we had in common. This seems like what any two mature adults would do, knowing that if we were to bring up and only discuss the things we didn’t see eye-to-eye on, our relationship was doomed.

We talked about animals. We talked about music. I even said I like Taylor Swift. Then out of left field, she asked if I supported you, Mr. President. Knowing she held strong liberal beliefs I wanted to respond with something clever and lighthearted but couldn’t exactly come up with an answer that would keep the peace. So I simply said, “I do.” No two words could have destroyed her more than these. It’s as if I called her a dog-faced pony soldier, and meant it!

In the Bible (the book you held upside down once, you rascal!), one might propose that the overarching theme could be summed up in two words, “But God…” As hopeful as THOSE two words are, the two words I said were the exact opposite. Powerful in their lack of hope for our relationship turning into a “happily ever after” (like Noah and Allie’s did in The Notebook).

After the infamous, “I do,” the conversation was ending and it was ending fast. Clearly she knew in her heart of hearts that I was a racist, sexist, homophobic pig (I AM a white man, after all) and she didn’t want anything to do with it. The last nail in the coffin came after she asked me to share a few reasons why I support you. I think the third thing I mentioned was about your work preventing government funds from going to entities that perform abortions. By the way, did you know one person cannot have two blood types? I wrote a blog post about how this simple scientific fact supports life, not choice… in regards to abortion.

Anyway, after I brought up your work against abortion, you would’ve thought I just told her Cheez-It’s aren’t made with real cheese. Her patience with me had run out so she wished me well and it was over. I’ll give her credit for not wasting more time with someone that doesn’t believe exactly the same things she does.

I’ve never written to a President before so I’m not sure how to end this. I guess I’ll put it this way, sir… I’m STILL single. Of course, I rather have you in the White House than a mad woman in mine.


I guess I’m weird?

I recently had a chat with a good friend and he and I often talk about relationships. In this conversation he let me vent about something that’s been bothering me the past few weeks. So for that alone, if my friend is reading this– thank you, sir!

I won’t get into the details of my issues quite yet, maybe in a future post, but we wrapped up the conversation with this word play:

Maybe I’m single because I’m weird.
But I’m not weird because I’m single.

Thanks for stopping by…

-Out of the Wilderness

I suck at relationships

This is kind of just a reminder to myself that I’m terrible at relationships. You, kind reader, think about a few of the worst things a man can do to sabotage a relationship and I’ve probably done it. I mean, I’ve never cheated or done any physical harm, but I’ve been a bully. I’ve said things that were mean. I didn’t care. I was selfish.

It’s why a lot of my posts are about failed relationships or terrible dates. Had I got it right, even once, these things I write and post would be a lot different. My life would be a lot different. I wouldn’t be 41 and single. I may not even have 2 dogs. Hell, I may not even live in Nashville if I did even one less selfish thing in the handful of meaningful relationships I’ve been in.

Who knows! Ya know? We’ll never know what might have been… and while that is a Debby Downer kind of thought, I guess my story, and yours, too, is still being written. Let’s not give up quite yet, OK? I have a feeling we’re somewhere in the middle but the rest of the story is about to get really good.

-Out of the Wilderness