Single White Male Seeks Single Female with Benefits

This is what the headline would say if my parents believed in arranged marriages and for the most part, I agree with it. I’m single. I’m white. I’m a male. I’m looking for a single female. Whether she has benefits or not, well, this is where the story begins.

I was a bright-eyed college graduate heading into the world not unlike a newborn foal wobbling into a field for the first time; in my mind a majestic and powerful force, in reality a newbie with toothpicks for legs. What this foal needed was some stability, and fast! But it wouldn’t be found in a job. I worked at a summer camp, for a temp agency, in tour marketing, for a non-profit organization, and doing maintenance at a church. None of those jobs screamed “security!” Common questions my parents asked were, “Do you go to the doctor? Have you found a dentist? Do you have insurance? Have you met anyone special?” Common answers, “Of course. Not yet. Of course. Not yet.” Around this time my dad started a joke with single girls he met. He’d ask them if they had a job with benefits. He was looking to get me a wife, a task parents often volunteer for whether their children approve or not. I think secretly he was just looking for a laugh, and in that regard, it worked. But as I got older, I found steady work. I went to the doctor. I started flossing. Unfortunately, though, I never outgrew the joke. That is, until this weekend.

Family and friends from all over the eastern United States gathered in Florida to mourn the loss and celebrate the life of Helen Walters Davis, a 100-year-old sister, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother (you can check out her 100th birthday bash by clicking here). The funeral of this fine lady was especially tough because only a few months earlier we gathered to bury Foster Davis, her husband and my grandfather. I wrote up something about that rascally war veteran here. Given the circumstances, the family was smiling as much as possible, even in the midst of tears and hugs. There was also laughter because when my family gets together, it’s just plain funny. Think “Meet the Parents,” “Father of the Bride,” and “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” all rolled into a perfect little Hallmark Channel original. But the romantic comedy that is my life had a dramatic scene just after the funeral ended.

The two limousines were waiting at the church entrance to drive us back to my grandparents house. Only something was different. One of the original drivers had to leave for another funeral so there to take his place was an attractive brunette in her mid-twenties. The family network lit up with excitement. Evidently the perfect way to recover from a funeral is to plan a wedding because save the date’s were practically printing themselves. I quickly became the man of the hour. Even the other limo driver was offering ideas on how to make it happen. I stalled long enough to dodge having to propose to her right there on the church steps so we were now on our way to the house. The likelihood this new opportunity would turn into anything significant was so small, yet, there was a chance. So my brother and I bounced around a few ideas of how I could strike up a conversation when she arrived in the second limo. How could I introduce myself? Was there a clever and appropriate way to hit on a girl… at my grandmother’s funeral? When did I become Will Ferrell in “Wedding Crashers”? Anyway, the plan was coming together. Until my dad showed up. In a flurry of flowers, hugs, finding keys, and making plans, I looked up to see him chatting with the pretty driver. My world came crashing down in bricks of holidays off, health coverage, and decent company 401k-matching. Yep, he asked her if she had benefits. My strategy then became damage control so the first thing I said to her was, “I’m sorry.” She was a good sport about it all but I knew having an adult conversation at this point was pointless.

If there was anything good that came from this experience, it certainly wasn’t a blossoming relationship with that girl. It was the conversation I had with my parents later that afternoon. I confronted my dad about the on-going joke and how his version of encouragement was actually discouraging. I also brought up the Christmas newsletter my mom wrote in which she talked about everything happening with the family, but pointed out what’s not happening with me (finding a wife). I love my parents for being involved. I would never want to experience the alternative but sometimes their concern is a little too tangible. It’s a little too hands-on. I expressed to them that as a single guy in my early thirties, I’m in a great place they’ve never experienced. When my dad was in his early thirties, he already had four kids. That’s not the way my story’s going but I’m happy and they’re on-board with encouraging me where I am, not just where they want me to be. Soon enough there will be a love interest in this epic romantic comedy I’m living in. But for now, I’m single. I’m white. I’m wondering if that limo driver is on Facebook.

Just kidding.

4 thoughts on “Single White Male Seeks Single Female with Benefits

  1. so sorry to hear about Me-Mom…what a life and legacy, though!

    and oh, Fred, I can just picture the scene.

    In solidarity, hilarity and whatever other -arity you might need…
    L 🙂

  2. LOL Parents are like that. I have a brother who’s still single at 31. My mom is getting nervous. lol. Although, we think his roommate in San Francisco is already his girlfriend. A gorgeous-looking former model ( she was a contestant once on Tyra banks modelling show , though she didn’t win, so yeah, she’s that pretty ) ….. So, anyway, just grin and bear it, and be thankful they are that concerned about your blessed singleness.

    Cheers !

    • Thanks Renxkyoko! Yeah, it’s a blessing that they care. I wouldn’t trade that. Good luck to your brother, altough it sounds like he’s well on his way! 🙂

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