20 reasons I was single in my 20s, plus a few more

During my senior year of high school, I started compiling a list of things I’d love to have in a mate. The list started with broad characteristics that were must-haves. Things like Christian, patient, good listener, thoughtful. Had the list stopped there, that would’ve been great. It’s smart to have some sort of criteria when seeking a friend for the end of the world. More specifically, a best friend to spend the rest of my life with. But the list didn’t end there. It went on. And on. And on. A total of 45 things I wrote down that defined who it was I was looking for. No prob. No prob? Yeah right… no wonder I’ve been single for so long!

I don’t think there’s ever been a woman on earth that could measure up to that list.

I might as well have created her from a computer, like these guys did. But Kelly LeBrock aside, this “perfect girl” isn’t out there. A girl I was dating years ago surmised that (and this is as we were breaking up) I’m looking for someone just like me. Mostly because of how and when it was presented, I became defensive. But she was right. Now comparing her comments to the list from high school, I’m about to blow your mind, so make sure you’re sitting down for this.

The list isn’t who I was looking for, the list is who I wanted to be.

Booya. Mic drop. You’ve been served. Insert any other overused phrase here. Even as I sit here typing I’m looking at this decades-old list and it’s blowing my mind. All these things I wrote down are either characteristics I already have, or ones I’m striving towards. If there were a girl out there that had all these qualities, I don’t think I’d fall in love with her. I think I’d be super jealous of her!

Then it makes sense that what I’m looking for in a mate now, now that I’m in my 30s and so much wiser and so much more mature, are much less specific. Less specific and not about me!

I look forward to finding this person. That is, if God’s ideas for me include a woman that can put up with a guy who made a list in high school of 45 things about her that’s really about him but at least he didn’t try to make her on a computer but maybe that was only because he didn’t know how because he was more into playing sports than computer programming.

-Out of the Wilderness

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Brad Paisley and LL Cool J “Accidental Racist”

The song recently released is called “Accidental Racist,” and it features LL Cool J rapping on a Brad Paisley song. The best way I can think to describe it is imagine a junior high kid in the basement recording songs off the radio with his dual cassette deck stereo he got for Christmas. On a rainy day when he had nothing better to do, he thought, “I wonder what it would sound like to combine two songs?” So he found an old tape of a rapper from the early 90s and the most opposite song he could find on another tape. Working through the night, he spliced the rap into a slow country song and this will be the moment he’ll look back on years from now and know he’s better at selling insurance than making music. He’ll go on to have a successful career, he’ll marry a girl he met in college, have a couple of kids, and take them to soccer games on Saturday morning. No house in the neighborhood holds a candle to the Christmas decorations he sets up every year. Not only that, he’s a monster when it comes to fine washables, which his wife appreciates. Every now and then he wonders what could have been if he’d spent more time in the basement that summer. “Who knows,” he thinks, “I could’ve been like the white version of Eminem.” Then one Saturday after his oldest daughter lost 3-1 to the soccer team from one county over, the Taney Tornadoes, he stopped by Publix to pick up some tea.

The Bachelor and Why I Won’t Be Trying Out For It

“Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out?”

catherine4On the couch watching the season finale of “The Bachelor: Sean Lowe,” I think to myself how glad I am that I never applied to be on the show (though admittedly, I’ve considered applying before). It’s not so much that the formula doesn’t work, because there are success stories. I just know generally how it would go because of my track record and the show’s. You see, all the failed relationships I’ve been in have only one thing in common… me! It’s the harsh truth. So even if I were to make it on “The Bachelor” or as a contestant on “The Bachelorette,” it would ultimately end in a break-up. From the last girl I dated in Florida to the Asian I didn’t speak to in Harrah’s Casino last weekend, no relationship has progressed as far as it could have. But hey, I’m cool with that because things are different than they were in Florida because of stuff like this. And the Harrah’s girl, well, her memory will just serve as fuel to the fire the next time I want to act but hesitate.

So back to “The Bachelor,” at this point in the finale, we don’t know if Sean proposes to Lindsay (who wants marriage more than she wants Sean) or Catherine (who wants Sean more than she wants marriage), but one thing’s for sure… fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

“The slate will soon be clean
I’ll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted, all that love?”
-Lindsay or Catherine??? (and Queen, legally)

Please Tell Me This Is Normal. #5

Trying to be a good daddy to two whipper-snappers named Piper and Asia, I generously decided they could forgo their crates today and play in the backyard all morning while I was at work. I know, I know… my grand gesture was nothing short of heroic. What a guy, right?

I got to work and noticed it was getting cloudy. Radar check. Holy crap.

Ok sure, I left them out in the rain for an hour or so, but I was also the only one rushing home to save them. Let’s not downplay it, I’m a hero. What a guy!

For more stuff that may or may not be normal, click here.

The Problem with Being Yourself on a Date

Whether you’re a guy or girl, it’s normal to get nervous before a date. We’ve all been there. In fact, even the dates I didn’t put must stock in, I still found myself being nervous (see “This Was Not A Date” and “After The Final Tulip”). More often than any advice I get is the encouragement to “be yourself!” But isn’t that kind of the problem? Because myself is nervous! Might I suggest two other solutions for the nerves, neither are to “be yourself.” First, you can try acting. Pretend you’re a character in a movie but the character is the “normal you.” So on the one hand you’re nervous, but on the other, you’re playing the part of you when you’re not nervous. The second option is pretty much out of your hands, actually. The responsibility rests in the other person on the date (and if this ends up working, it’s a very good sign for the relationship). Like I said earlier, it’s normal to be nervous before a date, however if you find yourself so comfortable around them that you forget to be nervous, that’s an ideal environment to be in. Because then, and only then, will you realize that you truly can “be yourself!” How about you? Have you found any methods that help calm your nerves before a big date? Feel free to share in the comments below!

Asking For Her Number

So I basically asked a girl for her number and she basically said no. I say basically because she actually never said no but she also never actually said her number. Basically, this sucks. But actually, maybe I’m better off because bringing it back to the basics, I asked a girl for her number, she said no, basically, so that means I’m one girl closer to finding my best friend. Basically.