So I finally caught the first episode of the Bachelorette starring Desiree Hartsock. Anticipation had been building for weeks, but mostly for the Bachelorette Fantasy League I’m involved in! In almost any form, I love competition. Anyway, from shirtless guy to the knight in shining armor, these guys should just be called “future former contestants” because they have no chance. I wish future Wesley (The Baby Bachelor) would time travel back to 2013 and slap us all in the face for watching these shows. Kasey (social media guy contestant) is hashtagging everything in sight. So how long does it take for “business” to make something popular unpopular? No, no State Farm Insurance, I will not like you on Facebook. And thanks but no thanks, Kentucky Fried Chicken… I will not tweet anything about #iatethebones. If you’re reading this in 2035, I promise we did cool stuff back in 2013 besides tweeting and tumblring.
-Out of the Wilderness
“Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out?”
On the couch watching the season finale of “The Bachelor: Sean Lowe,” I think to myself how glad I am that I never applied to be on the show (though admittedly, I’ve considered applying before). It’s not so much that the formula doesn’t work, because there are success stories. I just know generally how it would go because of my track record and the show’s. You see, all the failed relationships I’ve been in have only one thing in common… me! It’s the harsh truth. So even if I were to make it on “The Bachelor” or as a contestant on “The Bachelorette,” it would ultimately end in a break-up. From the last girl I dated in Florida to the Asian I didn’t speak to in Harrah’s Casino last weekend, no relationship has progressed as far as it could have. But hey, I’m cool with that because things are different than they were in Florida because of stuff like this. And the Harrah’s girl, well, her memory will just serve as fuel to the fire the next time I want to act but hesitate.
So back to “The Bachelor,” at this point in the finale, we don’t know if Sean proposes to Lindsay (who wants marriage more than she wants Sean) or Catherine (who wants Sean more than she wants marriage), but one thing’s for sure… fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.
“The slate will soon be clean
I’ll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted, all that love?”
-Lindsay or Catherine??? (and Queen, legally)
“Are either of you Tiffany?”
That was a question my buddy asked two girls sitting together at a table in Nashville’s Corner Pub. The good news, they were cute. The bad news, neither of them were Tiffany. So we grabbed a table and a couple of small cups of soda, sipped, and waited. This was my friend’s first time meeting Tiffany face to face, their relationship up to this point was strictly over the phone.
He and I were hanging out earlier that evening when he got a text from the Tiffany that she and her roommate were going downtown, so he invited me to come along with him to meet them. And since most of my nights (all of them) consist of conversations with my two dogs and a replay of Monday night’s Bachelor episode, I jumped at the chance to get out in the real world.
We drove to this certain area people go to in Nashville (they call it the Gulch), and made our way over to this place where a bunch of hip people were all together (Bar Louie in… the Gulch). I kept thinking, “So this is where people who aren’t like me go on Friday and Saturday nights…” There were no tables available so my buddy was ready to leave. I was insistent that we stop for a second and stare. All these people. They had trendy coats. They were smiling and laughing. One guy had a baseball cap on and it worked. Two girls were alone at a table and seemed content with that. Servers hustling. TV’s were bright with guys skating on ice (hockey). It was a sight to behold. My dogs would’ve loved this.
We eventually ended up at the Corner Pub. Unfortunately, we didn’t know the best part of our night already happened. Remember when I said my buddy and I were hanging out earlier? We met up to watch “Life of Pi” in 3D (my review here). Maybe we should’ve called it a night after that because it was slightly downhill from there and that includes finally finding Tiffany, who was not in… the Gulch.
So we’re sitting at the table waiting to meet the elusive Tiff. Her location unbeknownst to those who wanted to beknownst. Minutes later a text comes in. My friend shovels off to find her. Seconds pass. Then minutes. Minutes turn into a quarter hour and I begin to wonder if this is some elaborate set up for fun at my expense? Was an ex-girlfriend going to appear with a camera crew in tow? Was a waiter going to tell me the table has been rising for the last hour and I never even noticed!? How embarrassing. Was the table rising?
My friend returned and so did my sanity. He had found Tiffany. He had found Tiffany to be underwhelming. He had found Tiffany to be underwhelming and sitting with a group of friends. None of which were her roommate. Some of which were guys. He hugged her hello, chatted, and said goodbye. Then he and I spent the next 45 minutes coming up with reasons we should talk to the two non-Tiffany girls from the beginning of this story.
Alas, at the end of the night, I was at home with my two favorite girls. Neither of which were Tiffany…
I have come so close to boycotting the show. Well, by “boycotting,” I mean sending in an application but let’s move on. I’m in a fantasy league at work, and that makes watching the show completely bearable. Do I care which guy wins? No. Am I concerned if the relationship will last? No. Do I want to win the 2012 Fantasy Bachelorette League? Heck yes. The Bachelorette this go round is Emily Maynard. She was a likable contestant on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor. She lost (or won depending on how you look at it) when Brad chose her to be his wife, which obviously never happened. We were all cheering for her to win. Is that like cheering for someone to get selected for the Hunger Games? “Yay! Go get’em!! Oh, wait, what happens to them out there? Oh. Hmm.”
To reach that shore you have to leave this one.
I applaud Emily for setting sail once again with the hope of finding true love. She seems to be a genuinely cool person. But what a dumb show. Will any of the 25 guys show signs they’re interested? Here are a few that should be obvious to Emily…
If you wanna keep up with the Fantasy League this season, 1.) Subscribe to this blog site and 2.) you must be super bored!
In the spirit of artistic license, this post is sponsored by, written like she would write, and straight out of the wacky head of the lovely girl-you-don’t-cross, Courtney. Enjoy her review of each of the remaining contestants, as seen on episode 5!
From tropical Puerto Rico…
I’m so hot, Puerto Rico called and made reservations to visit me in the summer.
Nicki got the first date, but hey Nicki, a consignment shop from Miami in the early 1990s called and said it wants it’s dress back.
Hey everybody, the cat Ben and Nicki saw on their date called and said please stop saying it’s raining it and dogs.
A few of us went on a group date to Roberto Clemente Stadium. Hey girls, Roberto Clemente called and said you’re white, stop trying to say my name like you’re not.
Jennifer struck out and lost the baseball game. Hey Jennifer, irony called and asked if you understood what just happened?
That’s right, my team won the game. Charlie Sheen called and said hashtag winning!
Blakeley cried after her team lost. Hey Blakeley, Duke and the University of North Carolina called and said at least you didn’t have to play basketball against Florida State.
Hey Casey S., America called and asked who the blonde is on the show. I said Emily? They said no. I said Casey? They said no, Kacie has brown hair. I said well there’s a Casey with blonde hair. They said oh, I’m not familiar.
Emily, oh Emily. My sh*t list called and said you’re still on it.
Hey Rachel, the tattoo on your lower back called and asked if you could go on Ink Masters for a cover up.
Oh by the way, Ben, the ocean called and said it wants us to get naked. I texted back that we’d be right there.
Elyse got the second one-on-one date. Hey Elyse, 1999 called and wants their belly button ring back. Sorry you didn’t get a rose, and by sorry I mean hahahaha.
Hey show producers, David Gray called and said you don’t have to play his song during every episode.
Hey Jamie, Joran Van Der Sloot called and wants advice on how to be more forgettable. Give him a call and just tell him to stop killing people, that’ll help. Btw, I think I saw him on the beach staring at us.
Kacie B., permanent haircut called and said it wants itself back.
Lindzi C., your horse Levi called and said come home. He’s got no one to watch Homeward Bound with.
Elyse went home without a rose. Don’t worry Elyse, you didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t do anything right. Jennifer also went home without a rose. I guess kissing well isn’t enough to win Ben’s heart. Hello, you gotta get naked… hashtag winning!
After last week’s episode, there’s no way this one can ever match up. However, there were a few developments worth noting, so I’ll do recap… in the form of acronym.
What you thought you were going to see from the previews was just a fancy trick.
Editors: 1, Viewers: 0.
Ben kissed 7 girls in this episode. Mono spreading faster than you can say, “I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.”
As in, “Relating to or being the study of cause and effect in historical or political events with emphasis on the practical lessons to be learned from them.” Lesson to be learned from The Bachelor, don’t date 25 people at one time. It never works.
The animosity between Courtney and Emily was the best part of episode 4. Fast forward to the second hour, you’ll thank me later.
Reality: Girls can be emotional.
Not reality: Courtney getting the group date rose. Are you serious, Ben???? Come on!
Hang in there, the season is nearing the midpoint. Grin and bear it.
The Bachelor is like a pimple.
It’s only hanging around because we keep watching it and touching it and talking about it and thinking about it.
Let me get this straight, 4 episodes in California and Utah? At this point last season, the group had already been to Vegas and Phuket, Thailand. Evidently the show budget is part of the 99%; “Occupy The Bachelor.” Roses went to: Rachel, Courtney, Jennifer, Lindzi C., Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley, Casey S. and Emily. Sent home were Samantha and Monica.