Wacky Wednesday: I Will Remember Hashtags

desireeSo I finally caught the first episode of the Bachelorette starring Desiree Hartsock. Anticipation had been building for weeks, but mostly for the Bachelorette Fantasy League I’m involved in!  In almost any form, I love competition. Anyway, from shirtless guy to the knight in shining armor, these guys should just be called “future former contestants” because they have no chance. I wish future Wesley (The Baby Bachelor) would time travel back to 2013 and slap us all in the face for watching these shows. Kasey (social media guy contestant) is hashtagging everything in sight. So how long does it take for “business” to make something popular unpopular? No, no State Farm Insurance, I will not like you on Facebook. And thanks but no thanks, Kentucky Fried Chicken… I will not tweet anything about #iatethebones. If you’re reading this in 2035, I promise we did cool stuff back in 2013 besides tweeting and tumblring. 

-Out of the Wilderness

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Las Vegas, Jimmie Johnson, The Bachelor, Carrot Top, And More!

“The Bachelor Brad Womack: Women Tell All” episode has more drama than a Las Vegas casino. But a lot less alcohol. I was in Las Vegas recently and went to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. If you remember from the group date in episode 5, this race track is where Brad found out about Emily’s past relationship with Nascar driver Ricky Hendrick. At the track, I didn’t notice any lingering effects from the episode. I only noticed fast cars, cool drivers like Jimmie Johnson, and plenty of Kentucky waterfalls. Click here for 10 signs your date was a contestant on the Bachelor.

Jimmie Johnson in the #48 car in Las Vegas.

“The Women Tell All” is a unique episode in that it’s the first time the girls are “in real life” and can talk about the first 9 episodes of the Bachelor… because they’ve been watching each week just like you and me. But before the show gets started, Chris sets up how things are going to shake out in the next two hours. He starts by tossing to an interview he conducted with Brad. Brad talks about the more notably events of the season including Chantal O.’s slap, Ashley H.’s carnival date, Madison’s fangs, and Shawntel’s funeral directing skills.

Brad about Shawntel asking him to lay on a death bed: “It’s a little awkward. It really was.”

Chris Harrison reveals there will be season 2 of “Bachelor Pad” which includes a cast that throws the craziest parties ever. Then we watch a Bachelor reunion party with lots of familiar faces. Ali and Roberto are there. The tattoo guy Kasey is back and still looking for love. Why hasn’t Kasey found anyone to guard and protect his heart? You mean to tell me his heart has been exposed this whole time? Darn. Maybe Roberto and Ali can help fix it, or just show up to be the example of how winners, win. Winning! Duh! What doesn’t mesh together in my head are the comments from past contestants saying they are all like a big Bachelor family and the some highlights we see of them kissing in the pool or in the mansion. Just call it what it is, “The Bachelor: Sodom and Gomorrah” or “The Bachelor: Kiss and Tell” or “The Bachelor: Kentucky.”

Coming back from a commercial, we are reintroduced to Sarah P., Lisa M., Melissa, Alli, Britt, Marissa, Raichel, Meghan, Stacey, Ashley S., Jackie, Ashley H., Michelle, Madison, and Shawntel N. Over half these girls give some kind of butterfly double hand wave. Weird. The girls reflect on the first night, getting out of the limo and meeting Brad for the first time. Cut to highlights, strictly limited to the backstabbing comments the girls made throughout the season. Back in the “live” studio, Stacey confronts Michelle. Other girls chime in, too. Jackie drops the bomb by telling Michelle she’s not funny. Whoa, Jackie, back off. You can accuse her as a mother, tell her she’s two-faced, even admit you gave her the black eye, but how dare you reject her inner Carrot Top.

Carrot Top before and after steroids.

Also check out: Deal Breakers in a Dating Relationship

Melissa takes the hot seat next to Chris Harrison. They discuss her feud with Raichel. Raichel wins the award for alliteration… friends, frantic, frazzled, freaking everyone out. Jackie pleases the audience by calling Raichel out for blaming Melissa. Ashley S. trumps Jackie with a comment about what kind of behavior guys like and don’t like. The crowd grows tired of clapping. But never tired of these verbal slaps.

Michelle is next to take the hot seat. Chris Harrison gives her a hug. She says she’s suffering from the ugly cry today. She’s unsure what the pretty cry is, though. Michelle fights tears through the interview as the scowling Jackie watches along. The gaggle of girls on stage share their opinions of Michelle, who’s still crying. Michelle explains her sense of humor, and how she’s so misunderstood. Chris Harrison calls her sarcasm a self-defense mechanism. Reminds of Kip learning self-defense in the hilarious movie: Napoleon Dynamite.

Kip trying Rex Kwon Do self-defense.

Stacey attacks Michelle then goes in for the kill. Chris Harrison whips out his man card and tells the girls to shut it so Michelle can regroup and finish the hot seat interview. Are you serious Chris? He just said the hot seat Michelle is sitting on is the hottest seat ever. Is anyone else growing tired of Chris Harrison exclaiming that this next whatever is the most whatever ever? Who does he think we are? Growing up I was told that if you have to keep telling people something is a certain way, it probably isn’t that way. It’s like a joke you have to keep explaining. It’s probably just not funny so it’s not a joke.

Here’s how to be funny.

Jackie, Stacey and Sarah P. are hounding Michelle, but hey girls, jealousy is much less attractive than you think Michelle is. Bam! You just got consulted. Britt tells it like it is, says Michelle is funny, no one should’ve thought she was really the kind of person she acted to be. After all is said and done with Michelle on the hottest seat ever, she comes off rather normal, don’t you agree? Well, normal for an actress trying to get her name out there. She knew, like we did, that Brichelle just won’t work. It sounds like Michelle but with nasty chest congestion. Brantal or Bremily for the victory.

Ashley S. takes the hot seat next. Is she wearing a silly band? That’s silly.

Ashley S. about Brad saying she wasn’t wife material: “That was such a dagger to my heart. I can’t tell you how bad that comment almost hurt.”

I’m confused. So you’re not telling us what again? I’m going to find out from Chuck Norris if daggers to the heart hurt. Or better yet, I’ll check with his enemies if they hurt or almost hurt.

Chuck Norris.

A tanning bed and a hair makeover later, Ashley H. is next on the hot seat. Let’s see how many words she adds the letter ‘a’ to… secand, upsat, axit, laft, defanse, knaw, yas, mysalf. Ok, that was almost bearable.

Now the man we’ve all been waiting for, Brad takes the stage with Chris Harrison. He wonders who that girl is over there. Haha, I just made you say overwear. Wait… that doesn’t work. Darn. Anyway, the new girl is the new Ashley H. complete with brunette hair, ruby red lips, white teeth and no more “mom hair.”

Brad talks about his relationship with Ashley S., Michelle, and Ashley H. Has Shawntel said a word yet? It’s time for her to say something. She’s the best one there. I wonder if Brad will talk to her. Nope, Chris Harrison tosses to clips of he and Brad at a school in Africa. They donated some kind of solar generator that gives the kids hot water. Amazing. Chris said it right, “A kid is a kid is a kid no matter where you go in the world.”

Brad talks about his relationship with Chantal and Emily. He’s the happiest he’s ever been with those two girls. He won’t say who he proposes to, but he says, “She’s changed my life.” He’s in love and falls more every day. A nice setup for next week’s season finale. Check back here next week for a riveting review of a rose and a rejection. See, I can do alliterations, too. Bam! Winning! Duh!

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 10. The Next Bachelor Revealed?

Last night’s episode, “The Men Tell All” “Welcome The Next Bachelor: Kirk DeWindt.” Despite rumors that he’s dating Jessie Sulidis (yes, the former Jake-season contestant that outed Justin Rego), Kirk will be the next Bachelor. Please note that I haven’t read any spoilers, this is all based on my instinct and cold, hard evidence. I’ll explain now.

The show kicked off with a heart-to-heart between Chris Harrison and Ali. The discussion focused on Justin, Kasey, Kirk, Roberto and Frank. No need to explain that Justin and Kasey aren’t options for next season. And Nicole won’t let Frank leave. Roberto’s going to win (that’s my educated non-spoiler reading guess) , so next year’s Bachelor must be Kirk. Remember how they clumsily set Ali up at the end of the Jake season? Kirk is the new Ali just like “the paid off home mortgage has taken the place of the BMW as the status symbol of choice.” Thank you, Dave Ramsey, for that not-totally-unrelated quote that just popped into my head.

Chris Harrison then introduced us to the bachelors who showed up for “Welcome The Next Bachelor: Kirk DeWindt,” who the heck is Kyle? My guess is he’ll be next season’s “surprise guest” that shows up to reveal startling information to Kirk, who will cry a little and say something like, “I didn’t know it was going to be this hard.” After all the introductions, the guys took turns ragging on Kasey, ripping Justin apart, and half-way defending Frank. Cut to highlights of Ali with Kasey: the awkward moments, the singing, oh wait, those are the same thing. Now here you may think, “They haven’t shown Kirk much. Is he really going to be the next Bachelor?” Yes, he is. If you missed it, here are all the words used to describe Kirk on this episode.

Sincere, great chemistry, major moment, sweetness, a lot of the qualities I’m looking for, feel safe, feel appreciated and comfortable around him, love, upbeat, positive, something missing, Kirky, think the world of you, never had heart broken before, bruised heart, inspiring, bed ridden, healthy.

Ok, some of those are taken out of context, but you’re picking up what I’m laying down, right? Kirk is next in line and if you need more proof, let’s move on through the rest of the show. Guess what’s next, more talk about Justin. However, Kirk emerges as a comedian during this segment. The crowd (of girls) applaudes vivaciously. After the break, more talk about Justin. Wow, for someone no one likes, they sure are spending a lot of time talking about him. Wait, this is about ratings. Oh, yeah. Villains have high ratings. So guess what? Let’s talk about Justin some more. More about Justin leaving messages on a social networking site. Justin and Canada. Who’s Kimberly? Jessica is the main girlfriend, Kimberly is the new one. Jessica isn’t allowed to have a Facebook account. Kimberly left wall posts on Justin’s page. Jessica signs back on and messages Kimberly. Text messages, wall posts, more than just voicemails. Valentines with Kimberly. Walks to Jessica’s. Wobbles over. Two girlfriends. Trying for a third. Justin from Toronto has a girlfriend, pictures to prove it. Phone call to Ali. Whew, I’m exhausted. Next the audience got a chance to ask questions. A girl hits on Craig R. who doesn’t understand that’s what just happened. He agrees to wrestle Justin in an olive oil ring and doesn’t understand a girl just hit on him. She sits down.

Ali comes out and runs back through the season, the ups and downs, and how she feels about Justin. Ok, producers, we get it, you want ratings. At one critical point, Ali said it was hard to say goodbye to people she really cared about and they cut to a shot of Kirk smiling. Chris Harrison gives Kirk a chance to speak to Ali, he says he’s ready to find somebody to spend the rest of his life with. Come on, people! Isn’t it obvious? And is it just me or is Ali’s upper lip getting smaller?

Kasey sings a song, we see some bloopers, here it goes: dancing guys, Ali laughing, Kirk landing on stiff bed, Roberto’s crotch, Ali says idealacise, wants to do it with Roberto, dog barking, Ty barking, mom jokes, Ali as Legolas, mouse, beeps. Then highlights of the two remaining bachelors, Roberto and Chris L.

Check back next week to read my recap of Roberto proposing to Ali in episode 11!

Click here for Chris L. tattoo pictures!

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 8.

The only solace I have today is knowing that George Steinbrenner was alive long enough to see Ali meet the remaining four bachelor’s families. Talk about weight lifted off the shoulders. Wooo. *wiping nervous sweat from forehead*

First up on the hometown visit episode was Roberto. He takes Ali to the University of Tampa’s baseball field, where he played in college. They walked around the field and practiced batting and fielding. Clearly Ali is smitten with Roberto but an expert Bachelorette consultant friend of mine pointed out that Roberto doesn’t seem to be reciprocating the affection quite as much. Holy Justin Bieber, Batman! This could be crucial info as the season comes to a close. Ali and Roberto did more baseball related things, which apparently makes Ali laugh because she laughed quite a bit throughout the baseball field tour.

Ali: “Today’s date had all the elements I want in life.”

Yeah, first base, second base, third base… places you’ve already been with how many bachelors? Hiiiyoooo! Later Ali meets Roberto’s family. His dad pulled Roberto aside and called him “a big price.” I love when parents are encouraging. So much of what’s wrong in the world (and in this show!) would be remedied if parents would love their children and encourage them. Justin Bieber! I didn’t mean to get deep so quick. Sorry. Before the hometown date was over, Ali mentioned she’s getting cold feet. I only hear that phrase when it’s related to a wedding. Interesting.

the circle of trust.

The next hometown date was with Chris L. If I had to describe Chris in a few words: solid, genuine, deep. We learn from this date that Chris comes from good stock. His dad is cool, his brothers are cool, and his sister-in-laws are cool.  They live by the motto: “Love is the only reality.” While they were all talking, Chris’ sister-in-law asked Ali about the tennis bracelet he gave her in Portugal. My only question is, will Roberto mail the bracelet back to Chris L. when the show is over? There’s a Lambton circle of trust, and Ali won’t make it in.

Kirk Sir-Smiles-A-Lot hosted Ali in his hometown next. His parents are divorced so this date will include two separate visits with his dad then his mom. Turns out Kirk’s dad is passionate and professional about stuffed animals. Literally. Real animals. Stuffed. He brings Ali down to the basement to show her his trophies.

Ali: “What is this thing?”
Kirk’s Dad: “What that is, is a caribou foot that I put eyes on.”
Ali: “Wow.”

Unfortunately, this little visit didn’t seem to please Ali, which will not award Kirk any points. She probably thinks of Kirk as an apple that won’t fall from the tree. On a sidenote, Kirk’s dad if you’re reading this, I have a few moles digging up my yard that I’d love to have taxidermied. Email me. Part two of this date is at the home of Kirk’s mother. The headlines from this portion are that the cheesy potatoes were a big hit. That’s about as interesting as it got for the rest of that date.

The final hometown date was in Chicago with I’m-Wearing-A-V-Neck-That’s-Not-Really-A-V-Neck Frank. They meet on the Navy Pier, run to each other and hug. In a raspy voice, Frank says, “Ali.” They take a boat ride across the water, aaaand scene! On the boat ride, Frank revealed some of his insecurities about the relationship, which surprised Ali. Eight episodes into the season and this is the first time we hear of Frank’s doubts? Whatever happened to reality television? I’m suspicious that somewhere deep in the bowels of ABC there’s a host of writers along with a team of producers along with a pack of wolves along with Kasey who’s pitching songs he makes up on the fly.

In the end, roses went to Roberto, Chris L., and Frank in that order. It was Kirk’s time to go home, so he made like a pelican and flew out of there.

caribou foot with eyes.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 7.

Let’s go ahead and call this what it is, the Jake and Vienna episode. We’ll get to that shortly. First, though, Ali went on dates with the five guys that remain: Ty, Kirk, Roberto, Frank, and Chris L. This round was different though, in that no roses were given out on the dates, and one of the dates was a two-on-one. The first date card arrived and named Roberto as the datee. Ali showed up at the guys’ hotel room and greeted them in Spanish, an attempt to welcome them to Lisbon, Portugal. Roberto translated, turns out she said, “Toilet sandwich in ocean airplane.” Nice one, Ali.

The date went well, and it’s no surprise if you’ve been watching the show to see that Ali and Roberto have chemistry. He’ll end up in the top three, no question. Date two was with Ty and Frank. Frank admitted that Ty is his toughest competition so he’s miffed they’ll be together for the two-on-one. Hey, when you’re fighting for fourth place, does it really matter? Cue the helicopter ride. So does anyone believe in regular transportation anymore? I mean, I can hardly remember the last time I picked a girl up in a helicopter. It’s not normal to do that. What’s normal is a car. Two cars. Meaning the guy and the girl drive their own car to meet at an agreed upon location. That way when the date goes sour, they can drive around to find something better going on. No helicopters! The highlight of this date was when Ali asked Ty to chat privately. As they left, Frank saluted them. Didn’t that happen to a curly-haired Cory on Boy Meets World? He saluted Topanga and was so embarrassed. He still became her boyfriend by the end of the episode, but I don’t think Frank will fare that well. Later, Frank gets away with Ali and they talk about their own families. He’s worried about telling Ali that he lives with his parents but eventually spits it out. She says, “Awww,” and hugs him like he just fell off his bicycle. Had he just told her without acting like it was a big deal, he wouldn’t have emasculated himself.

The next date went to Kirk (who will end up in the top three). They got along well, but is Kirk reminding me more and more of a great camp counselor? He smiles a lot and seems to have a lot of energy. Perfect for Swim Day at the pool and thrilling children with late-night adventure stories. But this is about what Ali thinks of him, and she likes him.

The last date was with Chris L. She kept mentioning that “it may be a little too late” for Chris to make a solid romantic connection. Isn’t it a little strange that this is the first we’ve heard of Ali’s concerns about the Chris L. relationship developing too slow? Producers are awarded zero points. Anyway, he gave her what is perhaps the most personal gift anyone has given her so far, except Kasey’s two freestyle songs. He gave her a tennis bracelet that is like the ones his sister and his mom had/have. Pretty cool.

Roses went to Chris L., Frank, Roberto, and Kirk. Poor Ty Longnote (clever reference to last week’s recap) got sent home this time around. I think he would have been sent packing last week but because Justin left on his own accord, Ty got to stick around one more episode.

The last forty-five minutes were dedicated to Jake and Vienna. Honestly, the best forty-five minutes of The Bachelor/ Bachelorette I’ve ever seen! It will go down in the annals of history as the moment this show turned a corner, earning it a spot in reality television goldness. Songs like Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You When the World Stopped Turning”. Songs like “Gives You Hell” by the All American Rejects. Songs like “Baby” by Justin Bieber. All are being considered for the theme song of this episode. It was amazing. Somewhere in America, Tenley is pressing play on the track “Walk Like An Egyptian” by The Bangles and she’s dancing like no one’s watching! Jake and Vienna acted like two third-graders fighting about who gets to sleep in the cot by the window. Highlight #1 was when, after Chris Harrison got the rundown from Jake, Vienna appeared from the forest. She was there to tell her side of why they broke up. Jake said it’s because she cheated on him. Vienna called him a “fame whore.” But evidently Jake has evidence she cheated. We found this out when he gave us the quote of the night:

“Oh yes, baby, I’ve got text messages.”

Then Vienna called him a fake liar. Wait, wait, doesn’t that mean he’s telling the truth? Oh yes, baby, you just used a double negative! She turned to Chris Harrison and asked if Jake can take a polyagraph test. Last I checked polygraph didn’t have an “uh” in it. Polyuhgraph. Hilarious, Vienna! Somewhere Tenley’s doing the hokey pokey and shaking it all about!

Check back in next week for a recap of episode 8!

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 6.

The Bachelorette meets Cheaters meets I Survived A Japanese Game Show.

If you saw this episode, you’re painfully aware (the first thirty minutes were dedicated to this) that Justin “Rated-R” Rego is long gone. Turns out, dun dun dun! he has a girlfriend. For more digression into all of that, read other recaps, I want to get to the good stuff! Afterall, The Driftwood Detectatory, II is nothing if not “good stuff.”
Seven guys remain after last week’s episode. They’re bunked up at the Hyatt in Instanbul, Turkey. It’s the normal routine of two one-on-one dates split in the middle by a group date. The first single date goes to Ty from Tennessee. Their date was at a Turkish bath. Ali informs us that usually only men are allowed there so she’s happy to be allowed inside. Is it an honor to have access to where men bathe? Really? I used to shower at the Y downtown and let me tell you, it’s no place for a woman. Think showers full of wrinkly naked men. With no shower dividers. Anyway, she and Ty rub lotion on each other and kiss a little. Ty has restored her faith in wrinkle-free men. Mine, too. The chemistry between these two is blowing up. Especially with the background drum track ripped from a 1997 soft porn video. Country singer Ty’s new nickname, “Ty Longnote,” if you know what I mean. It’s dinner time, so while they eat Ali asks him about his divorce. He explains why his first marriage went South, telling her he’s learned and become a better person because of it. He couldn’t appear more sincerely ready for a new attempt at marriage. Or, as he likes to call it, verse three. Ali offers Ty the rose and he accepts. They go outside and dance on the street.

Next up, the group date with Chris L., Roberto, Kirk, and Craig R. This date took place at a fifteenth-century fortress and had some surprises. First, no rose will be given out. Instead, the guys must wrestle covered in olive oil to win a date with Ali. Of all the athletic guys who remain, Craig (a lawyer) ends up winning and gets his first one-on-one date with Ali. Nice work, Craig! Maybe you won’t be pegged as “The Protective Big Brother” afterall. The rest of the guys return to the Hyatt and tell Frank the Smotherer all that happened, who’s surprisingly upset that all he can do is wait in devastating anticipation.

“Roberto is a really good oil wrestler.”
-Craig R.

Craig and Ali go out on a boat for dinner, where he jokes about olive oil wrestling. This was an attempt to belittle Justin (the professional wrestler), similar to his Kasey tattoo joke last week. Unfortunately it floats right by Ali’s little blonde head and Craig got no bonus points. Is it obvious here that Craig likes her, or more accurately, he wants to like her? Ali wants to like him, but knows something’s not there. His “protective big brother” characteristic bites him in the booty, never more clearly than when they watched fireworks from the boat. That’s when she called him, “so sweet,” which, if you’ve ever been a guy you know that’s the kiss of death. Just ask Krazy Kasey. She called him sweet in episode 1 and look where he is now. Last week I predicted Craig wouldn’t get a rose this week, and so far, he’s right on track.

The final date of the evening went to Frank the Smotherer. Before it started, Ali commented that she wants the old Frank back. I don’t think she has a clear recollection of “the old Frank” but hey, she wants what she wants. The date begins with snacking on some candy-like treats from a carpet shop, of course. The owner sells them a rug. So now they’re walking around Turkey with a huge rug from IstanKEA. Frank says he feels like they’re in a movie. Aha! He’s thinking back to the U.S. soccer game versus Algeria when Landon Donovan scored a late-game goal, the commentator exclaiming “Hollywood couldn’t write it any better!” Well watch out, Landon, Frank’s out to prove he can! Anyway, they chat over a romantic dinner. Ali confesses she’s scared about something, I don’t know, I was busy thinking about the Donovan goal. It was awesome! Ok, Ali feels really good around Frank the Smotherer. She smothers his chest with a rose. He accepts then smiles smothererly.

The cocktail party is cancelled and the guys are, guess what, shocked! Ali already knows who she’s going to eliminate and doesn’t want to delay. Roses went to Ty, Frank, Roberto, Chris L., and Kirk. Craig’s eliminated. Runner-up for quote of the episode goes to ABC for this one: “If you’d like to be on the upcoming season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, go to bachelor.abc.com and click apply.” Don’t apply, we all know it’ll be Frank or Kirk.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 7!

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 5.

Tonight I’ve realized out of the ten bachelors interested in this show (the nine guys left on the show, and me), I’m the crazy one. Why? Because it’s Tuesday night and I’m overwhelmed with excitement to catch up with episode 5. You see, I was out of town Monday night shooting video on the Gulf Coast and missed The Bachelorette, something most married men would consider a dodged bullet. Maybe that’s why I’m single. Watching The Bachelorette. On a Tuesday night. Alone. I’m pressing play now.

The crew’s in Iceland and all the guys are excited. The first task is to write a love poem to Ali. At stake, a one-on-one date. Some of the poems are funny, some are thoughtful, but let’s be honest here, they’re terribly corny. Ali picks Kirk as the winner, earning him his first one-on-one date of the season.A rose is on the line so if Kirk drops the ball, he’ll be going home. On their date, he and Ali are pretty natural together. They feed some geese in the wild tundra of Iceland. They also wear matching clothes. She asks him to tell her things she doesn’t already know but he’s nervous about something big in his past. By the end of the date, though, he tells her a little bit of his death-defying history and gets a rose.

Next up, the group date including Roberto, Chris L., Chris N., Craig R., Ty, and Frank. It’s a horse ride out on the frozen mountainside. They travel up to a cave where Ty arises as a cowboy among justboys. Each of them repel down into the cave with Ali and freeze their little digits off. Chris L. offers Ali a pair of gloves, because he’s had two pairs of gloves this the whole time! Hello, it’s Iceland! Later, Ali calls Frank out on not smothering her enough. At the end of the date they all jump into the “magical” Blue Lagoon. The other bachelors (see how I’m excluding myself this time?) seem to be excited about the sausage fest in the warm lake. Ali pulls Ty aside to chat. I wonder what the other guys do while Ali’s with Ty? Probably say things like, “Is that an iscicle or are you just happy to see me?” Or “This pool is warm, isn’t it, guys?” Or “I feel a warmer spot, did someone just pee?” At the end of the group date, Ty gets the rose.

Time for the two-on-one date with Justin and Kasey. Ali will give a rose to one, and send the other home. Justin pretty much threatens to kick Kasey’s ice. Will Kasey reveal the tattoo? Will Justin tell Ali about it before Kasey can? I see a blizzard of iceberg proportions approaching! Ok, yes I miss Jonathan the weatherman. Anyway, the guys meet up with Ali at a helicopter and in Kasey’s voiceover, he still seems to think physical pain is the key to Ali’s heart. If it is, he’ll have his chance to bring the pain on their date at an active valcano. Honestly I don’t see this ending well for Kasey. Or the valcano. Justin gets the rose by default. Ali gives a classy break up speech to Kasey, then leaves him in the middle of the snowy embankment. That’s cold, Ali! No really, that’s cold.

The quote of the day goes to Kasey: “This physical pain is nothing to me. I like feeling pain.”

Before the rose ceremony the guys were given some time to be alone with Ali. Frank goes first and promises to turn the smother-meter up to full blast, Ali’s happy. Kisses. Fingers through hair. Kisses. Nasaly talking from Ali. Craig R. pulls out all the stops by drawing a tattoo a la Kasey on his arm. Ali eats it up, laughing all the way. That’s cold, guys! No really, that’s cold. Ali chats with Chris N. who talks about how funny he is. Awkward silence. Chris L. asks Ali what her concerns are. She says it’s location, location, location! Ali’s trusting this guy more and more, but I’m still concerned about his teeth. Does that make me wierd? Possibly. Or genius. Roberto is humble. We get that and I like him. So does Ali.

Roses go to: Kirk, Ty, Justin, Frank the Smotherer, Chris L., Roberto, and Craig R.
going home: Kasey and Chris N.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 6 where I predict Craig R. will be eliminated, and if there are two eliminations, Ty.