The Bachelor Ben Flajnik Episode 5: From Courtney’s Point of View

In the spirit of artistic license, this post is sponsored by, written like she would write, and straight out of the wacky head of the lovely girl-you-don’t-cross, Courtney. Enjoy her review of each of the remaining contestants, as seen on episode 5!

From tropical Puerto Rico…

I’m so hot, Puerto Rico called and made reservations to visit me in the summer.

Nicki got the first date, but hey Nicki, a consignment shop from Miami in the early 1990s called and said it wants it’s dress back.

Hey everybody, the cat Ben and Nicki saw on their date called and said please stop saying it’s raining it and dogs.

A few of us went on a group date to Roberto Clemente Stadium. Hey girls, Roberto Clemente called and said you’re white, stop trying to say my name like you’re not.

Jennifer struck out and lost the baseball game. Hey Jennifer, irony called and asked if you understood what just happened?

That’s right, my team won the game. Charlie Sheen called and said hashtag winning!

Blakeley cried after her team lost. Hey Blakeley, Duke and the University of North Carolina called and said at least you didn’t have to play basketball against Florida State.

Hey Casey S., America called and asked who the blonde is on the show. I said Emily? They said no. I said Casey? They said no, Kacie has brown hair. I said well there’s a Casey with blonde hair. They said oh, I’m not familiar.

Emily, oh Emily. My sh*t list called and said you’re still on it.

Hey Rachel, the tattoo on your lower back called and asked if you could go on Ink Masters for a cover up.

Oh by the way, Ben, the ocean called and said it wants us to get naked. I texted back that we’d be right there.

Elyse got the second one-on-one date. Hey Elyse, 1999 called and wants their belly button ring back. Sorry you didn’t get a rose, and by sorry I mean hahahaha.

Hey show producers, David Gray called and said you don’t have to play his song during every episode.

Hey Jamie, Joran Van Der Sloot called and wants advice on how to be more forgettable. Give him a call and just tell him to stop killing people, that’ll help. Btw, I think I saw him on the beach staring at us.

Kacie B., permanent haircut called and said it wants itself back.

Lindzi C., your horse Levi called and said come home. He’s got no one to watch Homeward Bound with.

Elyse went home without a rose. Don’t worry Elyse, you didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t do anything right. Jennifer also went home without a rose. I guess kissing well isn’t enough to win Ben’s heart. Hello, you gotta get naked… hashtag winning! 

The Bachelorette, Episode 6: The Heart is Forever Making the Head Its Fool

We’re all couch psychiatrists each Monday night at 8/7 Central and Ashley Hebert is our favorite client. Like a Sunday afternoon football game, women (and a few men) are sitting in their living rooms screaming at the television, offering advice on what the next play should be. Unfortunately for Ashley, she can’t hear us and even more unfortunately, no one close to her will show her the tapes of Bentley’s interviews. Just show her the dang tapes! I guess it’s easier to fly him to Hong Kong, given it’s proximity to Los Angeles and all. Each episode Ashley’s heart continues to trick her head into thinking Bentley cares but I think this is the one time it would be OK to break up over the phone. Even an email would do, am I right? Anyway, he’s out there and Ashley’s hoping he’ll propose, but the dot dot dot ends with a period. Bentley is done. Winner = Ashley.

This psychiatric analysis is going to end short tonight, I have another client knocking on my door. I won’t tell you his name, but let’s just say it rhymes with Metta World Peace. Actually, that’s his name.

Though roses went to Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., Ben F., Constantine, and Ames, winners of the episode were Mickey and Blake who went home without a drama, I mean, rose.

Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace

 

10 signs your date was a contestant on The Bachelor

10. She cries a lot.

9. You find out when you were in 6th grade, she was born. Yeah, you’re that much older than her.

8. She expects a rose at the end of every date.

7. She expects an engagement ring after a few weeks of dating.

6. Instead of dinner and a movie, she wants dinner and a movie… in Thailand!

[also check out “10 signs he’s into you,” in REAL life]

5. She keeps referring to your dates as one-on-one time.

4. She keeps referring to your parents as “the two I met on the hometown date.”

3. She often asks for wine to drink.

2. Her little brother accompanies you on dates with a video camera and says things like, “the most romantic date ever,” and “coming up…”

1. When you have a disagreement, she accuses you of “not being there for the right reasons.”

Honorable Mentions: Your date expects you to pick her up in a helicopter. Your date is white. Your date is craaaaazzzzyyyyy.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 8.

The only solace I have today is knowing that George Steinbrenner was alive long enough to see Ali meet the remaining four bachelor’s families. Talk about weight lifted off the shoulders. Wooo. *wiping nervous sweat from forehead*

First up on the hometown visit episode was Roberto. He takes Ali to the University of Tampa’s baseball field, where he played in college. They walked around the field and practiced batting and fielding. Clearly Ali is smitten with Roberto but an expert Bachelorette consultant friend of mine pointed out that Roberto doesn’t seem to be reciprocating the affection quite as much. Holy Justin Bieber, Batman! This could be crucial info as the season comes to a close. Ali and Roberto did more baseball related things, which apparently makes Ali laugh because she laughed quite a bit throughout the baseball field tour.

Ali: “Today’s date had all the elements I want in life.”

Yeah, first base, second base, third base… places you’ve already been with how many bachelors? Hiiiyoooo! Later Ali meets Roberto’s family. His dad pulled Roberto aside and called him “a big price.” I love when parents are encouraging. So much of what’s wrong in the world (and in this show!) would be remedied if parents would love their children and encourage them. Justin Bieber! I didn’t mean to get deep so quick. Sorry. Before the hometown date was over, Ali mentioned she’s getting cold feet. I only hear that phrase when it’s related to a wedding. Interesting.

the circle of trust.

The next hometown date was with Chris L. If I had to describe Chris in a few words: solid, genuine, deep. We learn from this date that Chris comes from good stock. His dad is cool, his brothers are cool, and his sister-in-laws are cool.  They live by the motto: “Love is the only reality.” While they were all talking, Chris’ sister-in-law asked Ali about the tennis bracelet he gave her in Portugal. My only question is, will Roberto mail the bracelet back to Chris L. when the show is over? There’s a Lambton circle of trust, and Ali won’t make it in.

Kirk Sir-Smiles-A-Lot hosted Ali in his hometown next. His parents are divorced so this date will include two separate visits with his dad then his mom. Turns out Kirk’s dad is passionate and professional about stuffed animals. Literally. Real animals. Stuffed. He brings Ali down to the basement to show her his trophies.

Ali: “What is this thing?”
Kirk’s Dad: “What that is, is a caribou foot that I put eyes on.”
Ali: “Wow.”

Unfortunately, this little visit didn’t seem to please Ali, which will not award Kirk any points. She probably thinks of Kirk as an apple that won’t fall from the tree. On a sidenote, Kirk’s dad if you’re reading this, I have a few moles digging up my yard that I’d love to have taxidermied. Email me. Part two of this date is at the home of Kirk’s mother. The headlines from this portion are that the cheesy potatoes were a big hit. That’s about as interesting as it got for the rest of that date.

The final hometown date was in Chicago with I’m-Wearing-A-V-Neck-That’s-Not-Really-A-V-Neck Frank. They meet on the Navy Pier, run to each other and hug. In a raspy voice, Frank says, “Ali.” They take a boat ride across the water, aaaand scene! On the boat ride, Frank revealed some of his insecurities about the relationship, which surprised Ali. Eight episodes into the season and this is the first time we hear of Frank’s doubts? Whatever happened to reality television? I’m suspicious that somewhere deep in the bowels of ABC there’s a host of writers along with a team of producers along with a pack of wolves along with Kasey who’s pitching songs he makes up on the fly.

In the end, roses went to Roberto, Chris L., and Frank in that order. It was Kirk’s time to go home, so he made like a pelican and flew out of there.

caribou foot with eyes.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 2.

Welcome back! Episode 2 of The Bachelorette was full of drama, laughter, smiles, some kissing, and oh yeah, a downpour of corny weather jokes. Ali is obviously the star of the show, but this episode featured a subplot: the mounting surge of dislike between Jonathan the Weatherman and Craig M. from Canada. After watching the episode back, Jonathan spoke more of Craig M. than he did of Ali! Even during the one-on-one time with Ali, the conversation revolved around Craig M. Sidenote #1: You don’t win a girl’s heart by talking about other guys. It’s like going to a job interview and talking about someone else’s resume. Or better yet, talking about someone else’s cloud cover, if you know what I mean! Get it? Get it??? Ok, moving on. In this episode we saw Ali go on one group date and two individual dates. She had a rose for each date, so three guys could get a rose before the final ceremony, in which three are also getting eliminated. First date card goes to Clark Kent, I mean Frank. I don’t know how, but he’s already head over heels for Ali. That should worry you. He’s already said he feels like they’re a couple, even calling her his girlfriend. He may be good, but too much of a good thing is bad and I can see him smothering her to death. His over-the-top and lightning-quick commitment to her is the perfect set up for a meltdown. Even the big fins on the 1959 Cadillac they rode in won’t save Frank from himself. And hey, those were big fins! Frank is involved in too many adventures to be committed to one. Highlight of their one-on-one date:
They drink wine on the hood of the car. Ali teases Frank with the rose.
They eat cupcakes.

Lots of drama at the house in this episode. Craig R. is still suspect of Justin’s intentions and calls him out on it. The date card arrives. A couple of Craigs, Chris’, and a few others head to the beach for a photo shoot with photographer Michael Grecco. Chris Harrison explained the reason for the photo shoot: a calendar! Proceeds of the calendar sales go to an unnamed charity. Sidenote #2: Christmas shopping, done.

The guys were happy to be with Ali at the beach, but the winner on this date was Kirk for quoting a line from Dumb & Dumber. Nice move. After a randomly placed tug-of-war clip, Ty had photos taken while he sang to Ali. None of the other guys liked this, of course. Later Ty revealed that he’s been married and divorced. If big surprised eyes mean anything, then Ali’s either disappointed, or thinking about the next hit country song. Jonathan also gets some one-on-one time and calls Craig M. dangerous for Ali. Cue Ali’s big surprised eyes. Either she’s shocked by the news, or she came up with a third verse for Ty’s hit country song. She finds Ty and gives him a rose.

A new date card arrives at the house. A few corny weather-related jokes later, Jesse is named as the invitee. This guy is emerging as a match for Ali. On the outside, he’s a tattooed tough guy, but Ali sees more. A soft-hearted, good-natured man. He was nervous on their date, but by the end, some walls came down and they connected. Her gamble paid off on their date in Vegas, Jesse got a rose.

Before the final rose ceremony, Chris L. told Ali about his family. He’s got two brothers and talked very highly of them and the rest of his family. He’s emerging as a strong family-oriented guy. He hasn’t revealed yet that his mom died recently. He comments about his family: “they are who I am.” I’m trusting him and his teeth a little more now. Roberto spends some time with Ali, assures her he’s doing fine even without seeing her much in the past week. She’s giddy over him. He tells her about his baseball past. He gets a couple of gloves and they toss the ball. To accept baseball is to accept Roberto. There’s a good connection between those two. Later, Kasey’s time with Ali was interrupted by Clark—I mean, Frank the Smotherer and in one-on-one time with Craig M., Ali calls him out on his intentions. His disoriented jumbled responses did him no good. Cut to a shot of Jonathan standing in the shadows as Craig M. walks by. Storms-a-brewin’. Both of these guys are forgetting the reason they are there, however, Jonathan wins the battle by getting the last rose in the ceremony.

Here’s how the roses were dealt:
Frank (from the one-on-one date)
Ty (from the group date)
Jesse (from the one-one date)
Kasey
Hunter
Roberto
Chris L.
Justin
Steve
Kirk
John C.
Craig R.
Chris N.
Jonathan

Elimated were Craig M., Tyler V., and Chris H.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 3!

(click here for Episode 1 recap)