The Bachelor Ben Flajnik Episode 5: From Courtney’s Point of View

In the spirit of artistic license, this post is sponsored by, written like she would write, and straight out of the wacky head of the lovely girl-you-don’t-cross, Courtney. Enjoy her review of each of the remaining contestants, as seen on episode 5!

From tropical Puerto Rico…

I’m so hot, Puerto Rico called and made reservations to visit me in the summer.

Nicki got the first date, but hey Nicki, a consignment shop from Miami in the early 1990s called and said it wants it’s dress back.

Hey everybody, the cat Ben and Nicki saw on their date called and said please stop saying it’s raining it and dogs.

A few of us went on a group date to Roberto Clemente Stadium. Hey girls, Roberto Clemente called and said you’re white, stop trying to say my name like you’re not.

Jennifer struck out and lost the baseball game. Hey Jennifer, irony called and asked if you understood what just happened?

That’s right, my team won the game. Charlie Sheen called and said hashtag winning!

Blakeley cried after her team lost. Hey Blakeley, Duke and the University of North Carolina called and said at least you didn’t have to play basketball against Florida State.

Hey Casey S., America called and asked who the blonde is on the show. I said Emily? They said no. I said Casey? They said no, Kacie has brown hair. I said well there’s a Casey with blonde hair. They said oh, I’m not familiar.

Emily, oh Emily. My sh*t list called and said you’re still on it.

Hey Rachel, the tattoo on your lower back called and asked if you could go on Ink Masters for a cover up.

Oh by the way, Ben, the ocean called and said it wants us to get naked. I texted back that we’d be right there.

Elyse got the second one-on-one date. Hey Elyse, 1999 called and wants their belly button ring back. Sorry you didn’t get a rose, and by sorry I mean hahahaha.

Hey show producers, David Gray called and said you don’t have to play his song during every episode.

Hey Jamie, Joran Van Der Sloot called and wants advice on how to be more forgettable. Give him a call and just tell him to stop killing people, that’ll help. Btw, I think I saw him on the beach staring at us.

Kacie B., permanent haircut called and said it wants itself back.

Lindzi C., your horse Levi called and said come home. He’s got no one to watch Homeward Bound with.

Elyse went home without a rose. Don’t worry Elyse, you didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t do anything right. Jennifer also went home without a rose. I guess kissing well isn’t enough to win Ben’s heart. Hello, you gotta get naked… hashtag winning! 

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The Bachelor Ben Flajnik Episode 4: An Acronym in Park City, Utah

After last week’s episode, there’s no way this one can ever match up. However, there were a few developments worth noting, so I’ll do recap… in the form of acronym.

Delightful sights.
No, not the revealing string bikinis. This episode was in Park City, Utah in the fall of 2011. Beautiful landscapes. And yes, the string bikinis.

Excellent editing.
What you thought you were going to see from the previews was just a fancy trick.
Editors: 1, Viewers: 0.

Smoochy time.
Ben kissed 7 girls in this episode. Mono spreading faster than you can say, “I’m not a player, I just crush a lot.”

Pragmatic.
As in, “Relating to or being the study of cause and effect in historical or political events with emphasis on the practical lessons to be learned from them.” Lesson to be learned from The Bachelor, don’t date 25 people at one time. It never works.

Entertaining.
The animosity between Courtney and Emily was the best part of episode 4. Fast forward to the second hour, you’ll thank me later.

Reality: Girls can be emotional.
Not reality: Courtney getting the group date rose. Are you serious, Ben???? Come on!

Almost halfway.
Hang in there, the season is nearing the midpoint. Grin and bear it.

The Bachelor is like a pimple.
It’s only hanging around because we keep watching it and touching it and talking about it and thinking about it.

Economical.
Let me get this straight, 4 episodes in California and Utah? At this point last season, the group had already been to Vegas and Phuket, Thailand. Evidently the show budget is part of the 99%; “Occupy The Bachelor.” Roses went to: Rachel, Courtney, Jennifer, Lindzi C., Jamie, Nicki, Kacie B., Elyse, Blakeley, Casey S. and Emily. Sent home were Samantha and Monica.