Hannah B and her thir(s)ty men – episode 1

The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to Hannah on the phone, asking her if she wants to be the Bachelorette. I have so many questions.

Why was a camera crew recording her? Would ABC pay a crew to record a FaceTime chat between the two if she WASN’T going to be the Bachelorette?

Here’s how I think it ACTUALLY went down. Chris and Hannah were together, like maybe during last season’s After the Final Rose or whatever, and Chris says “go in a different room and take a camera guy with you. We’ll be done in 5 minutes.”

Enough of all this trickery! 

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Ok, Hannah is a former Miss Alabama. Chris “asks” if she “wants” to be the next Bachelorette. She cautiously says yes and acts like she was just crowned Miss Bachelorette 2019. Roll Tide. 

Here are some notes from the show and the 30 men who showed up to meet Hannah.

First out of each limousine: Garrett, Devin, Peter the Pilot. I think I must’ve missed a few, but 53 other guys showed up on tractors or in boxes or over fences.

Guys with a gimmick: Connor S. jumps fence. Cam raps. Scott has floor plans for a dream home. 

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Goofy gifts: Joe in a huge carboard box. Joey with wine in a baby carrier. Ryan wears skates. Hunter with a tie so they can “tie the knot.” Grant has a hot dog and tons of condiments. Jonathan pizza. Kevin footballs. Matt Donald tractor. Chasen the Pilot made a paper airplane. Peter the Pilot brought a wings pin. 

How many times someone said…

Find my person: 1 (Hannah)

Dude mentions Colton: 1 (Dylan)

Here for the right reasons: 3 (all by Hannah)

How many times I threw up someone said “Roll Tide”: 9

First impression rose: Luke Timberlake (is he not Justin Timberlake??)

Kisses Hannah: Cam the Rapper, Connor S, Luke Timberlake

Steals Hannah from someone else: Chris Harrison, who drops the bomb that Scott may have a girlfriend back home. 

Going home without a rose: Scott…obviously. Matt Donald. Ryan. Other guy. Joe the Box King. Chasen the Pilot. A few other guys.

Gets a rose: Mike. Connor S. Matthew. Connor J. Tennessee Jed. Dustin. Joey. Devin. Peter the Pilot. Dylan. Matteo. Jonathan. Tyler C. Tyler G. Darren. Luke S. Garrett. Grant. Kevin. John Paul Jones Ledger (this might be Heath Ledger, not sure yet). (Cam and Luke already had roses from previous moments).

Featured in the final credits: Chris Harrison sweeping up shipping peanuts after Joe busted out of the huge cardboard box…. which leads me to these final thoughts. 

Final thoughts #1: Joe with the box full of peanuts is a great example of what has me fit to be tied. Connor is too. He throws her a Bachelorette party. Can I be the one who asks this…. does the crew hate any dude who “comes up with an idea” because you know those guys aren’t the ones actually setting up these elaborate things. It’s the crew! Some poor PA has to get a p-card, find a car (probably their own), fight traffic, buy the props, put the receipt in their secret garden lest they lose it and have to pay for all that stuff themselves, get back to the set, set up the date or stunt, then watch some moron swoop in and take all the credit. Always a bridesmaid, I guess. Oh yeah, and who’s gonna clean up these messes (looking at you Joe with the shipping peanuts!), it’s the PAs!!!!!!

Coming from a TV background, this really gets my knickers in a twist!

Final thoughts #2: Then there’s Jed. Did you have to be from Tennessee? Did you have to be named Jed? People already think we’re backwoods dum dums. Now with that said, I’ll admit the song he sang was granny-slapping’ good. Dern tootin’.

-Out of the Wilderness

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The Bachelorette episode 1 recap

Update: Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette, and sadly Britt went home. Here’s my recap from Monday night’s episode:

The first half of the Dancing with the Stars finale just finished so now it’s time for Dating with the Studs, aka. The Bachelorette.

“Two very different women competing for the same thing.” -Chris Harrison

No, he’s not talking about the race for the U.S. Presidency, he’s talking about something else that’s never been done before… a double bachelorette showdown! Two girls are featured as the premiere episode kicks off, Kaitlyn and Britt. They were both contestants on the previous season of The Bachelor, but didn’t make it to the final rose. So now 25 guys will pick which one they want to stay as the Bachelorette. But first, we get a quick refresher on the girls. You know, all the good stuff they’d put on their dating resume, without mentioning the real reason they’re using a TV show to find love…

Their eggs are rotting!

OK, that’s a throwback to a contestant from a few years ago, and a bit graphic. By now her eggs have spoiled but not for Britt or Kaitlyn, their burners are on high and they’re hoping to heat things up quick! We are subjected to privileged to hear the backstory of a few of the guys…

Jonathan from Detroit has 5 year old son and prefers Britt over Kaitlyn. Joe from Columbia, Kentucky, has a chocolate lab and horses. He lives by the golden rule. He prefers Kaitlyn. Josh from Chicago graduated from law school and is studying for the bar. At night he’s a male dancer with tattoos everywhere. Brady, from Nashville, writes songs and prefers Britt.

Joshua is a welder from a small town in Idaho. He walks with 2 bulldogs. He prefers Kaitlyn over Britt. Ian, from Los Angeles, ran track at Princeton but got hit by a car, and can’t run anymore…oh wait, yes he can. He also prefers Kaitlyn. Jared from Rhode Island says his superhero name would be Loveman…which conveniently got autocorrected to lovemaking. Whoa, whoa, save that for the fantasy suite, right! He would pick Kaitlyn over Britt.

Tony from Missouri: yoga, flexibility therapy, always been sensitive, antisocial, unique. Ben from California: played at San Jose State and tried out for NFL. Mom passed away when he was 14, this is the biggest risk he’s ever taken…likes both girls equally.

Commercial break. Gosh darn it if those Whirlpool ads don’t get me every time! Whoever came up with the idea to use Johnny Cash, give ’em a raise! OK, back to the studs of the hour (or two).

Overstatement of episode so far, “This process works.” -Britt

“Julio, get the stretch!” The guys begin arriving chauffeured in sleek black limousines, per usual. Ben H. from Colorado is the first guy out of the limos. He likes Britt more than he likes Kaitlyn. Jonathan acts a little too smooth. I feel slimy just listening to him. Clint seems comfortable right out of the gate. Jared greets Britt. All the guys are gravitating towards Britt, making Kaitlyn nervous and uncomfortable. LL Cool J look-alike (except thinner, and I’m guessing not as cool, or as LL) Kupah must’ve stepped away from the NCIS set to come on the show. He will be gone soon unless he can rap like LL. Kaitlyn would love that. Otherwise, mama will say knock him out…off the show, I mean…no rose….you know, send him home but act like it was a struggle to decide.

While more guys arrive, the ones inside the mansion discuss the two girls. Sounds like a useless piece of information but hey, it’s what happened. I’m just relaying the info.

JJ made Kaitlyn laugh, as did Ryan. Headband Bradley arrived with a tennis racket. Look, if you’re not Pete Sampras, leave the gear at home. 50 Shades of Josh (the male dancer we saw featured earlier) showed up. I’m guessing he’ll be quite entertaining, so he’ll hang around a long time (puns intended). Justin talked with helium and Kaitlyn ate it up. Now Britt is nervous.

“What is that, soap or tissues?” -Kaitlyn commenting about a gift given to Britt, referring to Britt crying a lot last season and not showering.

Sean has a connection with both girls. Who he votes for will play a big role in the future with whichever girl stays.

Kaitlyn runs inside to say a word to the guys, and in not so many words Britt accuses her of cheating. Let’s call it Kait-gate, the latest in celebrity scandals, after Tom Brady’s deflate-gate.

Speaking of the embattled quarterback, Tom Brady’s doppelganger (who may or may not have a black eye?) is on the show, he came for Kaitlyn but now he’s on #TeamBritt.

More guys arrive and the girls are reaching new heights of desire. Yoga Tony climbs out of the limo and mellows everyone out. As far as I know, he didn’t charge for that session.

Early on, Ryan stands out as the town drunk, especially when Shawn arrived in the baddest car anywhere ever. Drunk Ryan totally made fun of Hot Tub Shawn in the driveway and in front of the girls and it was awkward. Oh, his nickname is Hot Tub Shawn because he made his hoopty into a hot tub. Cool the first time you see it? Sure. The second time you see it?

“OK Shawn we get it, you made your car into a hot tub. No, we don’t want ride with you to the farmer’s market.” -all Shawn’s friends

But actually Shawn’s car looks even better when a dentist named Chris arrives in a Disney-esque cupcake car. Well, the girls liked it. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’m guessing Cupcake Chris will make it to the top 5, based on his sparkly smile alone. Unless he makes them bite into those fluoride things my dentist had when I was a kid. Major deal breaker, plus why would he even bring those to a dating show?

All the guys have made it into the mansion, and the two girls take turns emcee’ing the opening speech. It came across as a who-can-shout-louder type of introduction, but nonetheless, the guys are all smiles and soon after, tons of small talk.

Notes: A couple dudes have little dudes back home. One of the little dudes is named Arillius. Not judging. Or spelling it correctly, I bet. Another guy has devilish dimples. Shawn loved Kaitlyn at first sight. Another guy brings a caricature of Chris Harrison.

With 45 minutes to go in the episode, the voting room opens so the guys can submit their picks, whether they want Kaitlyn to stay, or Britt. This just got real. Lots of decisions about to happen. Meanwhile the guys are chatting amongst themselves and acting like they’re each others newest best friend, except for Drunk Ryan and Hot Tub Shawn. In Drunk Ryan’s defense, Hot Tub didn’t really need to confront him at this point (about his ride being made fun of earlier), but I guess he was having his oil changed or chlorine added or tires rotated, who knows, but he had spare time to get up in Drunk Ryan’s face.

Drunk Ryan does many things proving he doesn’t belong, and actually gets pulled off the show by Chris Harrison. There’s always one, I guess, but gosh, if wearing a Speedo is so wrong, then my summer is gonna be epic! *Stares off into space wondering how I’m still single*

Britt and Kaitlyn share a few moments with a few of the guys, but we’ll have to wait a few more hours to find out which single gal stays! The first half of the two-night premiere extravaganza is over, so the drama ensues tomorrow night.

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelor Ben Flajnik Episode 5: From Courtney’s Point of View

In the spirit of artistic license, this post is sponsored by, written like she would write, and straight out of the wacky head of the lovely girl-you-don’t-cross, Courtney. Enjoy her review of each of the remaining contestants, as seen on episode 5!

From tropical Puerto Rico…

I’m so hot, Puerto Rico called and made reservations to visit me in the summer.

Nicki got the first date, but hey Nicki, a consignment shop from Miami in the early 1990s called and said it wants it’s dress back.

Hey everybody, the cat Ben and Nicki saw on their date called and said please stop saying it’s raining it and dogs.

A few of us went on a group date to Roberto Clemente Stadium. Hey girls, Roberto Clemente called and said you’re white, stop trying to say my name like you’re not.

Jennifer struck out and lost the baseball game. Hey Jennifer, irony called and asked if you understood what just happened?

That’s right, my team won the game. Charlie Sheen called and said hashtag winning!

Blakeley cried after her team lost. Hey Blakeley, Duke and the University of North Carolina called and said at least you didn’t have to play basketball against Florida State.

Hey Casey S., America called and asked who the blonde is on the show. I said Emily? They said no. I said Casey? They said no, Kacie has brown hair. I said well there’s a Casey with blonde hair. They said oh, I’m not familiar.

Emily, oh Emily. My sh*t list called and said you’re still on it.

Hey Rachel, the tattoo on your lower back called and asked if you could go on Ink Masters for a cover up.

Oh by the way, Ben, the ocean called and said it wants us to get naked. I texted back that we’d be right there.

Elyse got the second one-on-one date. Hey Elyse, 1999 called and wants their belly button ring back. Sorry you didn’t get a rose, and by sorry I mean hahahaha.

Hey show producers, David Gray called and said you don’t have to play his song during every episode.

Hey Jamie, Joran Van Der Sloot called and wants advice on how to be more forgettable. Give him a call and just tell him to stop killing people, that’ll help. Btw, I think I saw him on the beach staring at us.

Kacie B., permanent haircut called and said it wants itself back.

Lindzi C., your horse Levi called and said come home. He’s got no one to watch Homeward Bound with.

Elyse went home without a rose. Don’t worry Elyse, you didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t do anything right. Jennifer also went home without a rose. I guess kissing well isn’t enough to win Ben’s heart. Hello, you gotta get naked… hashtag winning! 

The Bachelor Season Premiere: Ben Flajnik, Limousines and Blakeley’s Tattoos

Ben Flajnik

Introduction.
Welcome to the 2012 version of the Bachelor! This season features last year’s runner-up, Ben Flajnik (rhymes with ‘panic’). The show opens with a recap of Ben’s proposal to Ashley H. from last season. They quickly move to his life since then which evidently includes sailboats, pick-up trucks and carrying a piece of wood. Ben sets the mood by tickling the keys, the first time we’ve ever seen him on the piano. David Gray’s “This Year’s Love” plays as Ben prepares for what he predicts will “be a hell of a story.” The story that begins now.

Chapter 1: The Tease.
Host Chris Harrison calls the 25 girls Ben will choose from America’s most eligible bachelorettes. How they are more eligible than other single girls will be discussed in the documentary: “You Were Most Eligible. I Was Mostly Desperate. The Story of Ben Flajnik. Preface by Demi Moore.” Honestly, I bet all the girls do a few of these things: 10 Signs Your Date Was a Contestant on the Bachelor.

Chapter 2: Cream of the Crop.
Meet nine of the girls Ben may fall in love with. Lindzi C. rides horses and was once broken up with via text message. Btw, I love horses. Just saw War Horse and cried like a grown man watching his daughter take her first steps, then goes to war and gets tangled up in barbed wire. Hope that doesn’t spoil the movie, but you gotta see it. Amber T. is a tomboy who shoots guns and has a bad girl / princess quality to her. Kacie B. is from Clarksville, TN and is already a fan favorite. I predict top 3 for her. She’s got southern charm and a smile you can trust. I sorta hope she loses, returns to Tennessee and looks for Nashville’s most eligible bachelor:

"War Horse"

Courtney, a model from California, said she deserves a 2-carat engagement ring. Jamie is a nurse who raised her siblings. London Lyndsie has been all over the world and now finds herself at rock bottom in the bachelorette mansion. Jenna, a blogger from New York, is looking to analyze less and date more. Shawn from Phoenix is the only girl we know of that has a son. Nicki from Texas has been married and divorced but promises the next marriage is forever.

Chapter 3. The Limousines.
The girls arrive prom style and all 25 introduce themselves to Ben, except for Anna who said not a word, walking right by as to pique Ben’s interest. Other standouts were Amber who explained her Bacon last name. She’s the Canadian. Emily is working on her phD. Samantha arrives wearing a sash. Holly from Kentucky is wearing a hat the size of a clydesdale while Lindzi C. rides up on a clydesdale. Amber T. says goodbye then walks around again to give Ben a chance for love at second sight. Shira says she knows everything about wine, then can’t answer Ben’s only question about wine. Sheryl from the great generation introduces her granddaughter Brittney. Jennifer spouts out numbers to impress Ben. Kacie B. wins Ben over in only three syllables, calling him by his full name, Benjamin. But I may or may not be talking about Bachelor Ben.

Chapter 4. The Party Begins.
Ben joins the group inside the mansion and first chats with Rachel and her nose ring. Rachel was a good conversation, however the nose ring didn’t say a word. Rude. Nicki the divorced girl chats with Ben as well. Then Lindzi C. chats with Ben about horses. She did enough to earn the first impression rose. Nice one Lindzi and Levi the Horse. Later Shawn takes Ben to play soccer and Blakeley shows her tattoos.

Blakeley's tattoo, pic 1

Blakeley's tattoo, pic 2

Dianna blindfolds Ben and feeds him candy from a crumpled paper bag. Emily the nurse flexes her rap skills by dishing out sick lyrics. Or is it phat lyrics?

Chapter 5: Dramatic Interpretations.
Jenna the blogger confronts Monica for not being in love at first sight. Monica gets her goat so much so that they need an amatuer mediator. Rachel officiates the session. Afterwards, Monica spoons with Blakeley which turns me on and off at the very same time. Kacie B. consoles Jenna.

Chapter 6. A Rose By Any Other Name.
Roses went to Lindzi C. earlier, Jamie, Rachel, Blakeley, Emily, Kacie B., Casey S., Brittney, Erika, Shawn, Nicki (good hugger), Jennifer, Elyse, Samantha, Courtney, Jaclyn, Monica and Jenna. Sent home with no rose to call their own were Amber B., Lyndsie J., Amber T., Dianna, Holly, Shira and Anna.

Chapter 7. The Cliffhanger.
Next week there’s more drama, more crying, and a surprise guest! Based on the clip they showed, it looks like Shawntel N. from Brad Womack’s season of the Bachelor. See this picture then go see… War Horse.

Shawntel N.

The Bachelorette in Chiang Mai, Thailand

The lucky guys are still in Thailand trying to win Ashley’s love and devotion, this time, in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I liked how last week when Ashley announced they’d be going to Chiang Mai, Thailand all the guys cheered. Come on, no one besides Ames really knew where it was. But that’s where they found themselves and so they settle in to the Mandarin Oriental dadada Hotel. Ashley’s monologue about how she’s ready for new beginnings was accompanied by the music of Crystal Pepsi. I became inspired, and thirsty.

This is the first episode featuring a two-on-one date, but first, let’s see who got the one-on-one date. It went to Ben F., the winemaker from California. Their date included two pink shirts, a rickety 3-wheeler and a trip to the downtown market. I was expecting the Thai version of a flash mob, but they made umbrellas, instead. Wouldn’t it be cool if every episode had a flash mob from now on? Anyway, Ben had pink striped shorts on, too. I think it worked but what do I know? I do stuff like this:

After the umbrellas Ben F. and Ashley view an ancient temple. They aren’t allowed to kiss near the temple, so they close their eyes and kiss, Representative Weiner style, a.k.a. in their minds. Later, Ben F. and Ashley eat dinner at a breathtaking picnic setup including candles, flowers, and well, food. Ben F. opens up about his dad dying. Ashley replies with a “rhhhhhhhhhlly” which is a breathy way to say “really.” I suppose that means she was extremely moved by Ben’s story. So when you want someone to know you’re sympathetic, add h’s to the words you uhhhhse. Ben F.’s fan base is sure to grow after this date, so does his chances with Ashley. She gives him the rose that was at stake, then they kiss.

The group date included Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., and Mickey. They guys take part in Muay Thai boxing which is basically kickboxing. The guys boxed each other in short one-on-one matches. The matches really could’ve went either way, but there were some winner and losers. Ames lost his match to Ryan P. and actually went to the hospital. He later caught up with the gang at dinner. Ashley pulled him aside to make sure he was alright. Ames explained the doctor said he was suffering from being totally in love… and a mild concussion.

Did anyone else notice the excessive use of cell phone video camera footage? I guess no one’s safe from the budget crunch, eh, ABC? Cheer up, you still have “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show” game show.

Blake gets the rose from the group date, which he accepts and then kisses Ashley. The first two-on-one of the season went to William and Ben C. and one of the guys will go home at the end of the date. William comes across awfully arrogant in his interviews, a side we haven’t really seen before. The three take a log raft ride down a river and I’m suddenly having flashbacks of the one time I watched Deliverance.

William talks separately with Ashley and proceeds to throw Ben under the bus, something he said he wasn’t doing. He told Ashley what Ben said to the guys about wanting to get back to online dating. In a shocking twist, Ben C. is sent home immediately. Ashley and William sit down for dinner where Ashley took a longer than comfortable sip of her drink. Why? Because she was about to send William home, too. Bam. William’s now wondering “…what was Ben C. saying about Match.com again? Or was it OKCupid?”

Later Ashley meets the guys for the cocktail party. She has some ultra boring talks with the guys, sponsored by my DVR. Fast forwarding to the rose ceremony, roses went to: (Ben F. and Blake earlier), Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey, Ryan P. The men sent home were (Ben C. and William earlier), Nick.

Quote of the episode… Ashley: “hhhhhyy gyyyyys” (a breathy “hey guys”)

Thanks for reading! For a relationship that has a better chance of surviving, and is simply more real, check out these two people getting married:

The Bachelorette in 500 Words or Less: Episode 1 Ashley Meets the Guys

Welcome back to the 21st century version of Love Connection!

This season of the Bachelorette features Ashley Hebert (pronounced ‘a bear’) who’s determined to do things right this time around. Ashley finished third on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor. She blamed herself for coming up short, but vows that now she will leave with no regrets as she chooses between 25 guys. Episode 1 begins just like the other seasons did, with a little of Ashley’s history… an obvious plug for the benefits of recycling.

Let’s get right to the guys. Ryan P. emerges as a standout even though he made a Taylor Swift heart with his hands. Another early favorite is J.P., who says things like June One instead of June First. Jon comes out of the limousine wearing a pink tie then proceeds to pick Ashley up like a sack of potatoes. He was more successful than Mickey who attempted to give Ashley a gift on behalf of all the men in America, a kiss on the lips. Ashley avoided it, and Mickey went inside. To the average viewer, this may seem like an unrecoverable error for Mickey. However, I’ve observed behavior like this at the dog park. Male dogs will hump anything. Female dogs will just growl and let them keep trying. So Mickey will probably stick around till Ashley has to go home and realizes she doesn’t want to go home pregnant by a dog she met at a public park. Ben C. is a self-proclaimed romantic and Ashley seems to be smitten by him. Ben F. is a winemaker from California. This season’s villain is Bentley who is or isn’t bad news for Ashley, depending on who you ask. She was hoping he would have only one front tooth so her decision would be easy but it turns out he’s not from Kentucky. Tim, who admitted he was nervous around her, ends up drunker than a 21-year old doing the Tennessee Waltz at Florida State.

A couple of other standouts are West, who’s ready for love after dealing with the death of his wife, William who seems to be a pretty good match, Sir Gaga who vows to wear a mask till Ashley knows the real him, and Matt with his phone call to Mom while chatting with Ashley. Letting her talk to Mom is a clear sign he’s into her. If she doesn’t understand that, she should read this: 10 Signs He’s Into You.

Does anyone know why Chris Harrison often mentions that Ashley is meeting 25 of the most eligible bachelors? How can one bachelor be more eligible than another? Anyway, there are 6 guys who are even more eligible now. Tim, Anthony, Rob, Jon, Frank, Michael and Chris M. were sent home with no rose.

The first impression rose went to Ryan P. Then roses went to Sir Gaga (Jeff), Constantine, Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, J.P., Ames and Bentley.

Check back next week for a another recap of The Bachelorette. See ya in two and two!

Chuck Woolery, host of The Love Connection