The Bachelorette episode 1 recap

Update: Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette, and sadly Britt went home. Here’s my recap from Monday night’s episode:

The first half of the Dancing with the Stars finale just finished so now it’s time for Dating with the Studs, aka. The Bachelorette.

“Two very different women competing for the same thing.” -Chris Harrison

No, he’s not talking about the race for the U.S. Presidency, he’s talking about something else that’s never been done before… a double bachelorette showdown! Two girls are featured as the premiere episode kicks off, Kaitlyn and Britt. They were both contestants on the previous season of The Bachelor, but didn’t make it to the final rose. So now 25 guys will pick which one they want to stay as the Bachelorette. But first, we get a quick refresher on the girls. You know, all the good stuff they’d put on their dating resume, without mentioning the real reason they’re using a TV show to find love…

Their eggs are rotting!

OK, that’s a throwback to a contestant from a few years ago, and a bit graphic. By now her eggs have spoiled but not for Britt or Kaitlyn, their burners are on high and they’re hoping to heat things up quick! We are subjected to privileged to hear the backstory of a few of the guys…

Jonathan from Detroit has 5 year old son and prefers Britt over Kaitlyn. Joe from Columbia, Kentucky, has a chocolate lab and horses. He lives by the golden rule. He prefers Kaitlyn. Josh from Chicago graduated from law school and is studying for the bar. At night he’s a male dancer with tattoos everywhere. Brady, from Nashville, writes songs and prefers Britt.

Joshua is a welder from a small town in Idaho. He walks with 2 bulldogs. He prefers Kaitlyn over Britt. Ian, from Los Angeles, ran track at Princeton but got hit by a car, and can’t run anymore…oh wait, yes he can. He also prefers Kaitlyn. Jared from Rhode Island says his superhero name would be Loveman…which conveniently got autocorrected to lovemaking. Whoa, whoa, save that for the fantasy suite, right! He would pick Kaitlyn over Britt.

Tony from Missouri: yoga, flexibility therapy, always been sensitive, antisocial, unique. Ben from California: played at San Jose State and tried out for NFL. Mom passed away when he was 14, this is the biggest risk he’s ever taken…likes both girls equally.

Commercial break. Gosh darn it if those Whirlpool ads don’t get me every time! Whoever came up with the idea to use Johnny Cash, give ’em a raise! OK, back to the studs of the hour (or two).

Overstatement of episode so far, “This process works.” -Britt

“Julio, get the stretch!” The guys begin arriving chauffeured in sleek black limousines, per usual. Ben H. from Colorado is the first guy out of the limos. He likes Britt more than he likes Kaitlyn. Jonathan acts a little too smooth. I feel slimy just listening to him. Clint seems comfortable right out of the gate. Jared greets Britt. All the guys are gravitating towards Britt, making Kaitlyn nervous and uncomfortable. LL Cool J look-alike (except thinner, and I’m guessing not as cool, or as LL) Kupah must’ve stepped away from the NCIS set to come on the show. He will be gone soon unless he can rap like LL. Kaitlyn would love that. Otherwise, mama will say knock him out…off the show, I mean…no rose….you know, send him home but act like it was a struggle to decide.

While more guys arrive, the ones inside the mansion discuss the two girls. Sounds like a useless piece of information but hey, it’s what happened. I’m just relaying the info.

JJ made Kaitlyn laugh, as did Ryan. Headband Bradley arrived with a tennis racket. Look, if you’re not Pete Sampras, leave the gear at home. 50 Shades of Josh (the male dancer we saw featured earlier) showed up. I’m guessing he’ll be quite entertaining, so he’ll hang around a long time (puns intended). Justin talked with helium and Kaitlyn ate it up. Now Britt is nervous.

“What is that, soap or tissues?” -Kaitlyn commenting about a gift given to Britt, referring to Britt crying a lot last season and not showering.

Sean has a connection with both girls. Who he votes for will play a big role in the future with whichever girl stays.

Kaitlyn runs inside to say a word to the guys, and in not so many words Britt accuses her of cheating. Let’s call it Kait-gate, the latest in celebrity scandals, after Tom Brady’s deflate-gate.

Speaking of the embattled quarterback, Tom Brady’s doppelganger (who may or may not have a black eye?) is on the show, he came for Kaitlyn but now he’s on #TeamBritt.

More guys arrive and the girls are reaching new heights of desire. Yoga Tony climbs out of the limo and mellows everyone out. As far as I know, he didn’t charge for that session.

Early on, Ryan stands out as the town drunk, especially when Shawn arrived in the baddest car anywhere ever. Drunk Ryan totally made fun of Hot Tub Shawn in the driveway and in front of the girls and it was awkward. Oh, his nickname is Hot Tub Shawn because he made his hoopty into a hot tub. Cool the first time you see it? Sure. The second time you see it?

“OK Shawn we get it, you made your car into a hot tub. No, we don’t want ride with you to the farmer’s market.” -all Shawn’s friends

But actually Shawn’s car looks even better when a dentist named Chris arrives in a Disney-esque cupcake car. Well, the girls liked it. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’m guessing Cupcake Chris will make it to the top 5, based on his sparkly smile alone. Unless he makes them bite into those fluoride things my dentist had when I was a kid. Major deal breaker, plus why would he even bring those to a dating show?

All the guys have made it into the mansion, and the two girls take turns emcee’ing the opening speech. It came across as a who-can-shout-louder type of introduction, but nonetheless, the guys are all smiles and soon after, tons of small talk.

Notes: A couple dudes have little dudes back home. One of the little dudes is named Arillius. Not judging. Or spelling it correctly, I bet. Another guy has devilish dimples. Shawn loved Kaitlyn at first sight. Another guy brings a caricature of Chris Harrison.

With 45 minutes to go in the episode, the voting room opens so the guys can submit their picks, whether they want Kaitlyn to stay, or Britt. This just got real. Lots of decisions about to happen. Meanwhile the guys are chatting amongst themselves and acting like they’re each others newest best friend, except for Drunk Ryan and Hot Tub Shawn. In Drunk Ryan’s defense, Hot Tub didn’t really need to confront him at this point (about his ride being made fun of earlier), but I guess he was having his oil changed or chlorine added or tires rotated, who knows, but he had spare time to get up in Drunk Ryan’s face.

Drunk Ryan does many things proving he doesn’t belong, and actually gets pulled off the show by Chris Harrison. There’s always one, I guess, but gosh, if wearing a Speedo is so wrong, then my summer is gonna be epic! *Stares off into space wondering how I’m still single*

Britt and Kaitlyn share a few moments with a few of the guys, but we’ll have to wait a few more hours to find out which single gal stays! The first half of the two-night premiere extravaganza is over, so the drama ensues tomorrow night.

-Out of the Wilderness

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