The Bachelorette episode 1 recap

Update: Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette, and sadly Britt went home. Here’s my recap from Monday night’s episode:

The first half of the Dancing with the Stars finale just finished so now it’s time for Dating with the Studs, aka. The Bachelorette.

“Two very different women competing for the same thing.” -Chris Harrison

No, he’s not talking about the race for the U.S. Presidency, he’s talking about something else that’s never been done before… a double bachelorette showdown! Two girls are featured as the premiere episode kicks off, Kaitlyn and Britt. They were both contestants on the previous season of The Bachelor, but didn’t make it to the final rose. So now 25 guys will pick which one they want to stay as the Bachelorette. But first, we get a quick refresher on the girls. You know, all the good stuff they’d put on their dating resume, without mentioning the real reason they’re using a TV show to find love…

Their eggs are rotting!

OK, that’s a throwback to a contestant from a few years ago, and a bit graphic. By now her eggs have spoiled but not for Britt or Kaitlyn, their burners are on high and they’re hoping to heat things up quick! We are subjected to privileged to hear the backstory of a few of the guys…

Jonathan from Detroit has 5 year old son and prefers Britt over Kaitlyn. Joe from Columbia, Kentucky, has a chocolate lab and horses. He lives by the golden rule. He prefers Kaitlyn. Josh from Chicago graduated from law school and is studying for the bar. At night he’s a male dancer with tattoos everywhere. Brady, from Nashville, writes songs and prefers Britt.

Joshua is a welder from a small town in Idaho. He walks with 2 bulldogs. He prefers Kaitlyn over Britt. Ian, from Los Angeles, ran track at Princeton but got hit by a car, and can’t run anymore…oh wait, yes he can. He also prefers Kaitlyn. Jared from Rhode Island says his superhero name would be Loveman…which conveniently got autocorrected to lovemaking. Whoa, whoa, save that for the fantasy suite, right! He would pick Kaitlyn over Britt.

Tony from Missouri: yoga, flexibility therapy, always been sensitive, antisocial, unique. Ben from California: played at San Jose State and tried out for NFL. Mom passed away when he was 14, this is the biggest risk he’s ever taken…likes both girls equally.

Commercial break. Gosh darn it if those Whirlpool ads don’t get me every time! Whoever came up with the idea to use Johnny Cash, give ’em a raise! OK, back to the studs of the hour (or two).

Overstatement of episode so far, “This process works.” -Britt

“Julio, get the stretch!” The guys begin arriving chauffeured in sleek black limousines, per usual. Ben H. from Colorado is the first guy out of the limos. He likes Britt more than he likes Kaitlyn. Jonathan acts a little too smooth. I feel slimy just listening to him. Clint seems comfortable right out of the gate. Jared greets Britt. All the guys are gravitating towards Britt, making Kaitlyn nervous and uncomfortable. LL Cool J look-alike (except thinner, and I’m guessing not as cool, or as LL) Kupah must’ve stepped away from the NCIS set to come on the show. He will be gone soon unless he can rap like LL. Kaitlyn would love that. Otherwise, mama will say knock him out…off the show, I mean…no rose….you know, send him home but act like it was a struggle to decide.

While more guys arrive, the ones inside the mansion discuss the two girls. Sounds like a useless piece of information but hey, it’s what happened. I’m just relaying the info.

JJ made Kaitlyn laugh, as did Ryan. Headband Bradley arrived with a tennis racket. Look, if you’re not Pete Sampras, leave the gear at home. 50 Shades of Josh (the male dancer we saw featured earlier) showed up. I’m guessing he’ll be quite entertaining, so he’ll hang around a long time (puns intended). Justin talked with helium and Kaitlyn ate it up. Now Britt is nervous.

“What is that, soap or tissues?” -Kaitlyn commenting about a gift given to Britt, referring to Britt crying a lot last season and not showering.

Sean has a connection with both girls. Who he votes for will play a big role in the future with whichever girl stays.

Kaitlyn runs inside to say a word to the guys, and in not so many words Britt accuses her of cheating. Let’s call it Kait-gate, the latest in celebrity scandals, after Tom Brady’s deflate-gate.

Speaking of the embattled quarterback, Tom Brady’s doppelganger (who may or may not have a black eye?) is on the show, he came for Kaitlyn but now he’s on #TeamBritt.

More guys arrive and the girls are reaching new heights of desire. Yoga Tony climbs out of the limo and mellows everyone out. As far as I know, he didn’t charge for that session.

Early on, Ryan stands out as the town drunk, especially when Shawn arrived in the baddest car anywhere ever. Drunk Ryan totally made fun of Hot Tub Shawn in the driveway and in front of the girls and it was awkward. Oh, his nickname is Hot Tub Shawn because he made his hoopty into a hot tub. Cool the first time you see it? Sure. The second time you see it?

“OK Shawn we get it, you made your car into a hot tub. No, we don’t want ride with you to the farmer’s market.” -all Shawn’s friends

But actually Shawn’s car looks even better when a dentist named Chris arrives in a Disney-esque cupcake car. Well, the girls liked it. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’m guessing Cupcake Chris will make it to the top 5, based on his sparkly smile alone. Unless he makes them bite into those fluoride things my dentist had when I was a kid. Major deal breaker, plus why would he even bring those to a dating show?

All the guys have made it into the mansion, and the two girls take turns emcee’ing the opening speech. It came across as a who-can-shout-louder type of introduction, but nonetheless, the guys are all smiles and soon after, tons of small talk.

Notes: A couple dudes have little dudes back home. One of the little dudes is named Arillius. Not judging. Or spelling it correctly, I bet. Another guy has devilish dimples. Shawn loved Kaitlyn at first sight. Another guy brings a caricature of Chris Harrison.

With 45 minutes to go in the episode, the voting room opens so the guys can submit their picks, whether they want Kaitlyn to stay, or Britt. This just got real. Lots of decisions about to happen. Meanwhile the guys are chatting amongst themselves and acting like they’re each others newest best friend, except for Drunk Ryan and Hot Tub Shawn. In Drunk Ryan’s defense, Hot Tub didn’t really need to confront him at this point (about his ride being made fun of earlier), but I guess he was having his oil changed or chlorine added or tires rotated, who knows, but he had spare time to get up in Drunk Ryan’s face.

Drunk Ryan does many things proving he doesn’t belong, and actually gets pulled off the show by Chris Harrison. There’s always one, I guess, but gosh, if wearing a Speedo is so wrong, then my summer is gonna be epic! *Stares off into space wondering how I’m still single*

Britt and Kaitlyn share a few moments with a few of the guys, but we’ll have to wait a few more hours to find out which single gal stays! The first half of the two-night premiere extravaganza is over, so the drama ensues tomorrow night.

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 7: Shawntel State of Mind.

Valentines Day is over, so put the leftover Chinese food in the fridge, get on your pajamas, get a tub of ice cream out and read along to my recap of episode 7. This blog post is the most controversial ever (until next week), because Brad’s getting closer to the biggest decision of his life. What would you do faced with a choice that’ll affect the next year of your life? It’s a big deal, this Bachelor show. So who went home without a rose tonight? Who went topless at a photo shoot? And who is single-handedly ruining my Bachelor Fantasy hopes and dreams? Read on to find out!

Episode 7 was in the tropical paradise of Anguilla. Unlike previous shows, this one had 3 one-on-one dates and one group date. Date 1 went to the fan favorite, Emily. And if you weren’t aware, she’s a Brad favorite, too. They took a helicopter ride from a field close to the girls house out to Sandy Island. It’s a small island of sand. Oh wait. Ohhhhh, ok. Now I get it. The date started out with a bit of tension, they were both nervous but after Brad fessed up about his feelings, things went much better. The biggest impass they had was on the subject of Emily’s daughter. She’s extremely cautious about letting guys meet her, so Brad, in his obvious interest for Emily, and even breaking the show rules, told her he’d give her a rose at the rose ceremony later. He told her that just to put her at ease about the whole daughter thing. Classy move, Bradenator.

The next one-on-one date went to Shawntel N. It started with a bike ride to the farmers market. A sigh of relief was heard across the market when locals learned it wasn’t Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie looking to adopt again. It was Brawntel (cool! I just did a Brangelina name combo!). Brawntel danced. They drank. They jumped rope. Shawntel admitted she’s falling in love with Brad.
Brangelina and family

Brawntel ate dinner at Dune Preserve (a bar owned by reggae singer Bankie Banx). According to the sign, it’s at Lower Rendezvous Bay. They talked about their parents and how tough life was as a teenager. If only Katy Perry (Album: Teenage Dream) could’ve serenaded them back in 9th grade. Or Keenan Cahill. 

Instead, they got the next best thing, Bankie Banx himself! He’s the most famous singer in Anguilla. Brawntel kissed and they danced. They clapped for Bankie. Then, in classic white American style, they stripped down and swam in the night ocean. “When you’re with Shaaawwnteehheellll, sharks and big fish won’t harm you.” Yes, you should sing that to the tune of “Empire State of Mind.”

The final one-on-one date went to Britt. Call it what you want, but it was a last ditch effort to make any sort of non-you’re-more-like-my-little-sister connection with Britt. You know the date’s probably not going well when the guy won’t even come pick you up. They swam out to a yacht where Brad later dumped the heck out of her.

Highlight of the date when they were cliff jumping.
Britt: I’m scared.
Brad: 3,2,1 jump.
Britt jumps into ocean, doggie paddles to Brad.

She really was in over her head, figuratively speaking. She literally swam just fine. In fact, she’s probably a better swimmer than any of the other girls, but Brad doesn’t seem to care about buoyancy or her dog paddle speed. He seemed just as content to give her a side hug as he would’ve been to leave her up atop the cliff. I’m sure producers wanted her to jump so she could catch her flight home that night.
The group date began at 2:07am when Brad surprised 3 sleeping girls (Ashley H., Chantal O. and Michelle). At sunrise, they hit the beach for a Sports Illustrated photo shoot. It’s for the Swimsuit Edition, conveniently on store shelves around the country February 15th. Ashley vocalizes her concern about her own boobs, Chantal O. is feeling self-conscious and Michelle struts around like a clucking chicken. Anyway, this date obviously didn’t go well because all three of these girls are competitive, slightly emotional and at one point, two were topless. Yes, Ashley and Chantal decided it would be awesome to take their tops off. Brad didn’t like that the date started off bad and went down hill from there. Despite all the drama, Brad gave a rose to Ashley H. “I’m headed for a breakdoooown!” classic song by the Veggie Tales now joined in the chorus by Chantal O.

After all the drama, topless photos, crying, and back tattoos, roses went to: Ashley H., Emily, Shawntel N. and Chantal O.

Sent home were Britt and Michelle.

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 6: To The Bat Cave!

Brad + Eight girls + Costa Rica = Yep, thousands of lonely girls and their television on a Monday night. Who am I kidding!? Married women watch this, too, and that means married men watch. Yes, I’m talk about you Jonathan. You know it’s not just your wife watching. You’re winning the Nashville Fantasy League and since I’m the Commissioner of said Fantasy League, and I write this blog, I can call you out on national internet. You just got a genuine Brad Womack “WoSmack”!

The show begins. Brad first lead the girls to their Costa Rican villa, then gave them the first date card. The clue was, “Close your eyes, hold on tight. Love is in the air tonight,” and it went to Chantal O. This marked her second one-on-one date of the season. They take a helicopter ride up to an overlook where they eventually zip line over the rain forest. A zip line is where you’re harnessed in to a long wire and coast in a downward motion to certain death. In order for it to work properly, you need to launch from a higher spot than where you want to end up, thus allowing gravity to WoSmack you down to the grave. What am I talking about? It’s totally safe, that’s why Brad and Chantal zip lined over and over, they even spoonzipped. Awesome! It’s like spooning on the couch… except on a zip line. It’s probably called “spipped” or “zippooned” or something. Either way, they spipped a couple of more times down “the longest zip line in the world.” Ok, thanks. I don’t believe that. And I don’t believe this is “the most controversial season ever.” Next, they had a picnic dinner by a river and it rained again so they moved to Brad’s bachelor pad. She pretty much is in love with him at this point, and he’s sweet on her, too, so he offered her a rose. The group date went to Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley H., Shawntel and Britt. They did some repelling, which pissed off Michelle because she thought repelling was just for her and Brad. They all did well repelling. Or did they?

“Jackie might have soiled herself.” -Britt about Jackie repelling.

They all warmed up in the hot springs. Brad got some alone time with Jackie and Emily. Guess which one made it awkward and guess which one was cute? Michelle also got some time with Brad and admitted she was upset Chantal got a rose earlier in the episode. Guess which one was manipulative and which one finally grew some Costa Rican cohones?

“Meet me at the altar,” the next date card clue for Alli. She and Brad rode burros through a field and ended up near a bat cave. OK, they’re probably horses, but I like saying burros out loud. Brad said the cave was 40 million years old, much like we’re going to be when this date ends. And why does she get the cave date after Shawntel got a shopping spree? Call it a WoSmack to the face, but unless there’s a Batmobile about to take them to Makeout Bluff overlooking the downtown lights of Gotham City, this date was forgettable. “Holy charity date, Batman!” Brad and Alli had dinner out by the hot springs.

“We’re sinking.” -Alli on date with Brad. Like the Titanic, Alli, like the Titanic.

Of course Michelle had to do something scary, so she showed up at Brad’s house. Yeah, it worked out for the wrestler last season, so sure, go for it. That’s the story you want to tell your kids one day. “Hey Mikey, let me tell you how I met your father. There was this show…” meanwhile Brad’s thinking, “KKKK MMMM NNNN!!!” (reference to The Big Bang Theory). Before the rose ceremony Brad confronted Michelle about her behavior, Shawntel played the quiet game with Brad, kissed him, and then lost the quiet game. Ashley H. practiced adding the letter ‘a’ to words it doesn’t belong in, ie. “perfact.” Chantal O. told Brad she’s in love with him, the first girl to do this and on a completely related note, she’s also the girl with the most points in the Nashville/ Oklahoma City Fantasy Leagues. Isn’t that just perfact?

Girls who got a rose: Chantal O., Ashley H., Emily, Britt, Shawntel N. and Michelle.

WoSmacked: Alli and Jackie.

P.S. Remember the Rockette Keltie Colleen? She plays the lead actress in this phenomenal music video and song by Christina Perri, check it out: