The Bachelorette episode 1 recap

Update: Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette, and sadly Britt went home. Here’s my recap from Monday night’s episode:

The first half of the Dancing with the Stars finale just finished so now it’s time for Dating with the Studs, aka. The Bachelorette.

“Two very different women competing for the same thing.” -Chris Harrison

No, he’s not talking about the race for the U.S. Presidency, he’s talking about something else that’s never been done before… a double bachelorette showdown! Two girls are featured as the premiere episode kicks off, Kaitlyn and Britt. They were both contestants on the previous season of The Bachelor, but didn’t make it to the final rose. So now 25 guys will pick which one they want to stay as the Bachelorette. But first, we get a quick refresher on the girls. You know, all the good stuff they’d put on their dating resume, without mentioning the real reason they’re using a TV show to find love…

Their eggs are rotting!

OK, that’s a throwback to a contestant from a few years ago, and a bit graphic. By now her eggs have spoiled but not for Britt or Kaitlyn, their burners are on high and they’re hoping to heat things up quick! We are subjected to privileged to hear the backstory of a few of the guys…

Jonathan from Detroit has 5 year old son and prefers Britt over Kaitlyn. Joe from Columbia, Kentucky, has a chocolate lab and horses. He lives by the golden rule. He prefers Kaitlyn. Josh from Chicago graduated from law school and is studying for the bar. At night he’s a male dancer with tattoos everywhere. Brady, from Nashville, writes songs and prefers Britt.

Joshua is a welder from a small town in Idaho. He walks with 2 bulldogs. He prefers Kaitlyn over Britt. Ian, from Los Angeles, ran track at Princeton but got hit by a car, and can’t run anymore…oh wait, yes he can. He also prefers Kaitlyn. Jared from Rhode Island says his superhero name would be Loveman…which conveniently got autocorrected to lovemaking. Whoa, whoa, save that for the fantasy suite, right! He would pick Kaitlyn over Britt.

Tony from Missouri: yoga, flexibility therapy, always been sensitive, antisocial, unique. Ben from California: played at San Jose State and tried out for NFL. Mom passed away when he was 14, this is the biggest risk he’s ever taken…likes both girls equally.

Commercial break. Gosh darn it if those Whirlpool ads don’t get me every time! Whoever came up with the idea to use Johnny Cash, give ’em a raise! OK, back to the studs of the hour (or two).

Overstatement of episode so far, “This process works.” -Britt

“Julio, get the stretch!” The guys begin arriving chauffeured in sleek black limousines, per usual. Ben H. from Colorado is the first guy out of the limos. He likes Britt more than he likes Kaitlyn. Jonathan acts a little too smooth. I feel slimy just listening to him. Clint seems comfortable right out of the gate. Jared greets Britt. All the guys are gravitating towards Britt, making Kaitlyn nervous and uncomfortable. LL Cool J look-alike (except thinner, and I’m guessing not as cool, or as LL) Kupah must’ve stepped away from the NCIS set to come on the show. He will be gone soon unless he can rap like LL. Kaitlyn would love that. Otherwise, mama will say knock him out…off the show, I mean…no rose….you know, send him home but act like it was a struggle to decide.

While more guys arrive, the ones inside the mansion discuss the two girls. Sounds like a useless piece of information but hey, it’s what happened. I’m just relaying the info.

JJ made Kaitlyn laugh, as did Ryan. Headband Bradley arrived with a tennis racket. Look, if you’re not Pete Sampras, leave the gear at home. 50 Shades of Josh (the male dancer we saw featured earlier) showed up. I’m guessing he’ll be quite entertaining, so he’ll hang around a long time (puns intended). Justin talked with helium and Kaitlyn ate it up. Now Britt is nervous.

“What is that, soap or tissues?” -Kaitlyn commenting about a gift given to Britt, referring to Britt crying a lot last season and not showering.

Sean has a connection with both girls. Who he votes for will play a big role in the future with whichever girl stays.

Kaitlyn runs inside to say a word to the guys, and in not so many words Britt accuses her of cheating. Let’s call it Kait-gate, the latest in celebrity scandals, after Tom Brady’s deflate-gate.

Speaking of the embattled quarterback, Tom Brady’s doppelganger (who may or may not have a black eye?) is on the show, he came for Kaitlyn but now he’s on #TeamBritt.

More guys arrive and the girls are reaching new heights of desire. Yoga Tony climbs out of the limo and mellows everyone out. As far as I know, he didn’t charge for that session.

Early on, Ryan stands out as the town drunk, especially when Shawn arrived in the baddest car anywhere ever. Drunk Ryan totally made fun of Hot Tub Shawn in the driveway and in front of the girls and it was awkward. Oh, his nickname is Hot Tub Shawn because he made his hoopty into a hot tub. Cool the first time you see it? Sure. The second time you see it?

“OK Shawn we get it, you made your car into a hot tub. No, we don’t want ride with you to the farmer’s market.” -all Shawn’s friends

But actually Shawn’s car looks even better when a dentist named Chris arrives in a Disney-esque cupcake car. Well, the girls liked it. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’m guessing Cupcake Chris will make it to the top 5, based on his sparkly smile alone. Unless he makes them bite into those fluoride things my dentist had when I was a kid. Major deal breaker, plus why would he even bring those to a dating show?

All the guys have made it into the mansion, and the two girls take turns emcee’ing the opening speech. It came across as a who-can-shout-louder type of introduction, but nonetheless, the guys are all smiles and soon after, tons of small talk.

Notes: A couple dudes have little dudes back home. One of the little dudes is named Arillius. Not judging. Or spelling it correctly, I bet. Another guy has devilish dimples. Shawn loved Kaitlyn at first sight. Another guy brings a caricature of Chris Harrison.

With 45 minutes to go in the episode, the voting room opens so the guys can submit their picks, whether they want Kaitlyn to stay, or Britt. This just got real. Lots of decisions about to happen. Meanwhile the guys are chatting amongst themselves and acting like they’re each others newest best friend, except for Drunk Ryan and Hot Tub Shawn. In Drunk Ryan’s defense, Hot Tub didn’t really need to confront him at this point (about his ride being made fun of earlier), but I guess he was having his oil changed or chlorine added or tires rotated, who knows, but he had spare time to get up in Drunk Ryan’s face.

Drunk Ryan does many things proving he doesn’t belong, and actually gets pulled off the show by Chris Harrison. There’s always one, I guess, but gosh, if wearing a Speedo is so wrong, then my summer is gonna be epic! *Stares off into space wondering how I’m still single*

Britt and Kaitlyn share a few moments with a few of the guys, but we’ll have to wait a few more hours to find out which single gal stays! The first half of the two-night premiere extravaganza is over, so the drama ensues tomorrow night.

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 9: The Lion Sleeps Tonight

The show opens with Brad packing his bags to leave New York City and fly to South Africa. In the voiceover Brad tells us that he’s feeling lots of emotions, listing two. Hey, he’s a guy, give him a break. Balancing one emotion with another is more difficult than watching two football games on TV at the same time. Brad admits to having trust issues and making mistakes last time he was on The Bachelor. He flies to South Africa, alone. During the flight we see highlights of his relationship with Chantal… can it last? Highlights of his relationship with Ashley… it’s had some speed bumps. Highlights of his relationship with Emily… nervous about joining Emily’s family.

Brad lands in South Africa. There’s a montage of wild animals with the soothing sounds of The Lion King soundtrack. Somewhere Timon and Poomba are hacked when they find out The Bachelor is using Simba’s music. Royalties, man, royalties! We see a lot of elephants. The producers must’ve got my postcard with shot selections for South Africa. I love elephants. Then they cut to a momma monkey licking her feet and a baby monkey approaching the camera. Reminds me of Congo. Amy hungry. Amy angry. Amy roar and throw your camera. Just show the elephants again. Rhinos. Dirt roads. Then bam! More elephants. Elephants are good for ratings. Baby monkeys must be, too, because they show that baby monkey again.

The first date is with Chantal on a safari ride. They hug. They hug and have big hats. Touring around the land they see wild animals. Brad’s favorite- the lion. Giraffes stare at them. More elephants. I’m gonna have to send a thank-you card. It’ll say, “Thank you The Bachelor producers who got my post card and took my suggestions to show lots of elephants. Signed, An Ele-fant in Nashville.”

Brantal descend to a river guided by a gun-wielding man. I’m hoping this guy is part of the tour. They eat lunch while a couple of hippos watch. Apparently there’s bull in Africa because Chantal talks about how the safari is a metaphor for her and Brad’s relationship. That’s bull crap! But I never saw the bull. They toast to perfect beginnings and even better endings.

Brad goes on and on about what he likes about Chantal, and she returns the admiration. They talk about what “engagement” means, and if the rumors are true, Chantal can explain what it doesn’t mean. At this point though, Brad thinks she’s an incredible woman and Brantal make their way to the fantasy suite. What part of fantasy suite includes a tree house in the middle of the African safari? Who’s fantasy is this exactly?The sun sets. Brantal share in pillow talk in the bait trap tree house.

The next morning Brad tells us that he has missed Emily. He’s waiting for her to appear from around some trees, and of course, she does. Brad tells her he forgot something and runs back to get it. Emily becomes concerned that she’s standing alone like a defenseless gazelle. Brad and friend come riding in on an elephant. I’m gonna need to send more than a card. Elephants are all over this episode, and I think we can all agree, the real hero is the elephant. Am I right? Emily climbs up and they go elephanting through the forest. Is that a thing? “Hey bro, me and Emily went elephanting.” Yeah?

Emily compares the experience to the Lion King, except it’s better. She noted that Ricki would love this. Brad tells Emily he’s missed her and missed her daughter. They discuss the husband/father role and ask if Brad’s ready. He says he is. Brad’s thought about Ricki a lot. Brad is over-the-top committed to Emily and her daughter, so he says. They kiss. Her shorts seem even shorter at this point. Dinner time. Brad assists Emily in her seating, then reaches for the wine and says, “I need it.” Ouch. When’s the last time that ever meant something good at the beginning of a dinner date? There’s a baby elephant on a nearby lamp table being awfully still. It may be a statue. Emily comes clean about how she’s feeling. She’s all in and is eager to find out all that is Brad Womack. Brad’s nervous about offering her the fantasy suite but finally pops the question. Emily, being the good mom, talks about being a role model for her daughter, which evidently is enough to count as a good role model. She accepts after using the phrase “just talk.” When’s the last time that ever meant something good at the end of a dinner date?

They enter the fantasy suite to find food native to South Africa, cheesecake. Emily shares more from her heart, even confessing that she’s falling in love with Brad. Brad scratches his face, looks around, then says he’s falling in love with her, too. Bremily gaining momentum. This fantasy suite has turned into a fantastic suite! Hiyo!

The next date is with Ashley H. I’m not totally sure she didn’t have to check where in Africa was South Africa, but she arrives and Brad hugs her. They start the day by walking hand in hand down a dirt road, through some trees to discover a helicopter. It looks like a father walking his daughter to the park. She is scared to ride in the helicopter. Cue the Rocky music as Miss H. overcomes her fears. Ashley’s just like my puppy. She was afraid to jump off the step into the backyard, but she didn’t need Rocky music to get her to do it. Similarities between Ashley H. and Piper the puppy: Freak out about everything, curious, always needing entertainment, endless energy, pout when they don’t get their way——- Ok I’ll admit it, Ashley gives me a headache but Brad may like her so I’ll try to be fair.

Brashley flies over the African landscape. Rivers, trees, cliffs…

Ashley: “It’s like we were on top of the warld.”

World doesn’t have an ‘a’ but I’m not judging. They land and trek to a place called “God’s window.” Ashley asks if this is real life? Was she referring the kid who asked that same exact question after a dentist visit? That’s a funny video, if you haven’t seen it.


They set up a picnic and drink the juice. They talk about Ashley’s family. Brad talks about watching football with her dad at Thanksgiving. Then Brad asks where she wants to live. She had her heart set on a place that’s warm. She mentioned South… Maine. Yeah, that’s what Brad wanted to hear. Sure. They talk about her faults and her “need to achieve.” Brad says she reminds him of himself in his twenties. Working but having some regrets, missing out on some things. Brad says 10 years ago he was in the same place she is now. In other words, “10 years ago I would’ve given you a rose. But not tonight, Spazzy McEnergy.” They stand on God’s window sill and stare into the future. Ashley sees Brad, Brad sees the sky.

Show breaks to announce the cast of Dancing With the Stars. Perfect timing because I need a snack aaaand returning to the tv, oh they’re still announcing… I need milk for my cheerios. Alright back the program. The sun has set on the African plains. That means a Brashley dinner date. He eats meat and she eats puppy food—— I’m sorry! I just don’t like her. She and my puppy have so much in common. Except that my puppy doesn’t annoy me when she talks.

Ashley quits eating so she can talk. She communicates what she wants Brad to believe. I’ve been in a relationship and tried to make it work when it wasn’t working. That’s what’s happening between Brad and Ashley. She talks about unbreakable chemistry, compromise and living location. Brad confronts her about not mentioning Austin. Sounds like Brad has a case of the needs-to-get-over-it’s. Texas people, there are 49 other states and at least three that are better than you. Fourth is shameful, Texas people.

It’s becoming clear Brashley won’t be a “thing” as soon as Ashley begins to shut down and nit pick. Brad gets frustrated and defensive. Ashley, take advice from my beagle: calm down and eat your food. It’s all gonna be ok. We are witnessing the 28th breakup of the show. As the date goes on, Brad is losing his train of thought and getting a tan from Ashley’s meltdown. The fantasy suite. One last hoorah for Brad and the last chance for puppy to be adopted.

In the fantasy suite, they kiss. Then silence. They talk about the mosquito nets. In humanitarian circles, this talk is so sexy. However, the USS Brashley has sunk. Ashley has little hope at this point.

Brad sits down with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony. Brad says this time around is no comparison to the last season he was The Bachelor. So the therapy paid off! Sweet relief, I was waiting to exhale. Brad gives a quick recap of the three dates…
Brantal had chemistry since day one. He feels like himself with her.
Brad says he feels like he has known Emily for a decade, if not longer.
The date with Ashley was rough.

Brad is about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think Zimbabwe is a new birth control pill. Brad’s about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think Cape Town is where Batman’s from. Brad’s about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think she’s being punk’d. Ok, I’m done.

Brad pulls Ashley aside just before roses are given out. They chat about stuff… the calm before the storm. The dark before the dawn. The puppy before the love——I’m sorry, I just don’t like her. Ok, I’m done. Crap, Ashley! Don’t cry. Ah, what the H, my bachelor fantasy season is ruined! Go ahead and let the Nile River flow. Kibbles is sent home with no bits before the rose ceremony even happens.

Brad leans over a railing and contemplates the decision he made. He must’ve forgot the other two girls were still waiting at the rose ceremony. Wait a second, who’s fantasy is this?