The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 9: The Lion Sleeps Tonight

The show opens with Brad packing his bags to leave New York City and fly to South Africa. In the voiceover Brad tells us that he’s feeling lots of emotions, listing two. Hey, he’s a guy, give him a break. Balancing one emotion with another is more difficult than watching two football games on TV at the same time. Brad admits to having trust issues and making mistakes last time he was on The Bachelor. He flies to South Africa, alone. During the flight we see highlights of his relationship with Chantal… can it last? Highlights of his relationship with Ashley… it’s had some speed bumps. Highlights of his relationship with Emily… nervous about joining Emily’s family.

Brad lands in South Africa. There’s a montage of wild animals with the soothing sounds of The Lion King soundtrack. Somewhere Timon and Poomba are hacked when they find out The Bachelor is using Simba’s music. Royalties, man, royalties! We see a lot of elephants. The producers must’ve got my postcard with shot selections for South Africa. I love elephants. Then they cut to a momma monkey licking her feet and a baby monkey approaching the camera. Reminds me of Congo. Amy hungry. Amy angry. Amy roar and throw your camera. Just show the elephants again. Rhinos. Dirt roads. Then bam! More elephants. Elephants are good for ratings. Baby monkeys must be, too, because they show that baby monkey again.

The first date is with Chantal on a safari ride. They hug. They hug and have big hats. Touring around the land they see wild animals. Brad’s favorite- the lion. Giraffes stare at them. More elephants. I’m gonna have to send a thank-you card. It’ll say, “Thank you The Bachelor producers who got my post card and took my suggestions to show lots of elephants. Signed, An Ele-fant in Nashville.”

Brantal descend to a river guided by a gun-wielding man. I’m hoping this guy is part of the tour. They eat lunch while a couple of hippos watch. Apparently there’s bull in Africa because Chantal talks about how the safari is a metaphor for her and Brad’s relationship. That’s bull crap! But I never saw the bull. They toast to perfect beginnings and even better endings.

Brad goes on and on about what he likes about Chantal, and she returns the admiration. They talk about what “engagement” means, and if the rumors are true, Chantal can explain what it doesn’t mean. At this point though, Brad thinks she’s an incredible woman and Brantal make their way to the fantasy suite. What part of fantasy suite includes a tree house in the middle of the African safari? Who’s fantasy is this exactly?The sun sets. Brantal share in pillow talk in the bait trap tree house.

The next morning Brad tells us that he has missed Emily. He’s waiting for her to appear from around some trees, and of course, she does. Brad tells her he forgot something and runs back to get it. Emily becomes concerned that she’s standing alone like a defenseless gazelle. Brad and friend come riding in on an elephant. I’m gonna need to send more than a card. Elephants are all over this episode, and I think we can all agree, the real hero is the elephant. Am I right? Emily climbs up and they go elephanting through the forest. Is that a thing? “Hey bro, me and Emily went elephanting.” Yeah?

Emily compares the experience to the Lion King, except it’s better. She noted that Ricki would love this. Brad tells Emily he’s missed her and missed her daughter. They discuss the husband/father role and ask if Brad’s ready. He says he is. Brad’s thought about Ricki a lot. Brad is over-the-top committed to Emily and her daughter, so he says. They kiss. Her shorts seem even shorter at this point. Dinner time. Brad assists Emily in her seating, then reaches for the wine and says, “I need it.” Ouch. When’s the last time that ever meant something good at the beginning of a dinner date? There’s a baby elephant on a nearby lamp table being awfully still. It may be a statue. Emily comes clean about how she’s feeling. She’s all in and is eager to find out all that is Brad Womack. Brad’s nervous about offering her the fantasy suite but finally pops the question. Emily, being the good mom, talks about being a role model for her daughter, which evidently is enough to count as a good role model. She accepts after using the phrase “just talk.” When’s the last time that ever meant something good at the end of a dinner date?

They enter the fantasy suite to find food native to South Africa, cheesecake. Emily shares more from her heart, even confessing that she’s falling in love with Brad. Brad scratches his face, looks around, then says he’s falling in love with her, too. Bremily gaining momentum. This fantasy suite has turned into a fantastic suite! Hiyo!

The next date is with Ashley H. I’m not totally sure she didn’t have to check where in Africa was South Africa, but she arrives and Brad hugs her. They start the day by walking hand in hand down a dirt road, through some trees to discover a helicopter. It looks like a father walking his daughter to the park. She is scared to ride in the helicopter. Cue the Rocky music as Miss H. overcomes her fears. Ashley’s just like my puppy. She was afraid to jump off the step into the backyard, but she didn’t need Rocky music to get her to do it. Similarities between Ashley H. and Piper the puppy: Freak out about everything, curious, always needing entertainment, endless energy, pout when they don’t get their way——- Ok I’ll admit it, Ashley gives me a headache but Brad may like her so I’ll try to be fair.

Brashley flies over the African landscape. Rivers, trees, cliffs…

Ashley: “It’s like we were on top of the warld.”

World doesn’t have an ‘a’ but I’m not judging. They land and trek to a place called “God’s window.” Ashley asks if this is real life? Was she referring the kid who asked that same exact question after a dentist visit? That’s a funny video, if you haven’t seen it.


They set up a picnic and drink the juice. They talk about Ashley’s family. Brad talks about watching football with her dad at Thanksgiving. Then Brad asks where she wants to live. She had her heart set on a place that’s warm. She mentioned South… Maine. Yeah, that’s what Brad wanted to hear. Sure. They talk about her faults and her “need to achieve.” Brad says she reminds him of himself in his twenties. Working but having some regrets, missing out on some things. Brad says 10 years ago he was in the same place she is now. In other words, “10 years ago I would’ve given you a rose. But not tonight, Spazzy McEnergy.” They stand on God’s window sill and stare into the future. Ashley sees Brad, Brad sees the sky.

Show breaks to announce the cast of Dancing With the Stars. Perfect timing because I need a snack aaaand returning to the tv, oh they’re still announcing… I need milk for my cheerios. Alright back the program. The sun has set on the African plains. That means a Brashley dinner date. He eats meat and she eats puppy food—— I’m sorry! I just don’t like her. She and my puppy have so much in common. Except that my puppy doesn’t annoy me when she talks.

Ashley quits eating so she can talk. She communicates what she wants Brad to believe. I’ve been in a relationship and tried to make it work when it wasn’t working. That’s what’s happening between Brad and Ashley. She talks about unbreakable chemistry, compromise and living location. Brad confronts her about not mentioning Austin. Sounds like Brad has a case of the needs-to-get-over-it’s. Texas people, there are 49 other states and at least three that are better than you. Fourth is shameful, Texas people.

It’s becoming clear Brashley won’t be a “thing” as soon as Ashley begins to shut down and nit pick. Brad gets frustrated and defensive. Ashley, take advice from my beagle: calm down and eat your food. It’s all gonna be ok. We are witnessing the 28th breakup of the show. As the date goes on, Brad is losing his train of thought and getting a tan from Ashley’s meltdown. The fantasy suite. One last hoorah for Brad and the last chance for puppy to be adopted.

In the fantasy suite, they kiss. Then silence. They talk about the mosquito nets. In humanitarian circles, this talk is so sexy. However, the USS Brashley has sunk. Ashley has little hope at this point.

Brad sits down with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony. Brad says this time around is no comparison to the last season he was The Bachelor. So the therapy paid off! Sweet relief, I was waiting to exhale. Brad gives a quick recap of the three dates…
Brantal had chemistry since day one. He feels like himself with her.
Brad says he feels like he has known Emily for a decade, if not longer.
The date with Ashley was rough.

Brad is about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think Zimbabwe is a new birth control pill. Brad’s about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think Cape Town is where Batman’s from. Brad’s about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think she’s being punk’d. Ok, I’m done.

Brad pulls Ashley aside just before roses are given out. They chat about stuff… the calm before the storm. The dark before the dawn. The puppy before the love——I’m sorry, I just don’t like her. Ok, I’m done. Crap, Ashley! Don’t cry. Ah, what the H, my bachelor fantasy season is ruined! Go ahead and let the Nile River flow. Kibbles is sent home with no bits before the rose ceremony even happens.

Brad leans over a railing and contemplates the decision he made. He must’ve forgot the other two girls were still waiting at the rose ceremony. Wait a second, who’s fantasy is this?

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 6: To The Bat Cave!

Brad + Eight girls + Costa Rica = Yep, thousands of lonely girls and their television on a Monday night. Who am I kidding!? Married women watch this, too, and that means married men watch. Yes, I’m talk about you Jonathan. You know it’s not just your wife watching. You’re winning the Nashville Fantasy League and since I’m the Commissioner of said Fantasy League, and I write this blog, I can call you out on national internet. You just got a genuine Brad Womack “WoSmack”!

The show begins. Brad first lead the girls to their Costa Rican villa, then gave them the first date card. The clue was, “Close your eyes, hold on tight. Love is in the air tonight,” and it went to Chantal O. This marked her second one-on-one date of the season. They take a helicopter ride up to an overlook where they eventually zip line over the rain forest. A zip line is where you’re harnessed in to a long wire and coast in a downward motion to certain death. In order for it to work properly, you need to launch from a higher spot than where you want to end up, thus allowing gravity to WoSmack you down to the grave. What am I talking about? It’s totally safe, that’s why Brad and Chantal zip lined over and over, they even spoonzipped. Awesome! It’s like spooning on the couch… except on a zip line. It’s probably called “spipped” or “zippooned” or something. Either way, they spipped a couple of more times down “the longest zip line in the world.” Ok, thanks. I don’t believe that. And I don’t believe this is “the most controversial season ever.” Next, they had a picnic dinner by a river and it rained again so they moved to Brad’s bachelor pad. She pretty much is in love with him at this point, and he’s sweet on her, too, so he offered her a rose. The group date went to Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley H., Shawntel and Britt. They did some repelling, which pissed off Michelle because she thought repelling was just for her and Brad. They all did well repelling. Or did they?

“Jackie might have soiled herself.” -Britt about Jackie repelling.

They all warmed up in the hot springs. Brad got some alone time with Jackie and Emily. Guess which one made it awkward and guess which one was cute? Michelle also got some time with Brad and admitted she was upset Chantal got a rose earlier in the episode. Guess which one was manipulative and which one finally grew some Costa Rican cohones?

“Meet me at the altar,” the next date card clue for Alli. She and Brad rode burros through a field and ended up near a bat cave. OK, they’re probably horses, but I like saying burros out loud. Brad said the cave was 40 million years old, much like we’re going to be when this date ends. And why does she get the cave date after Shawntel got a shopping spree? Call it a WoSmack to the face, but unless there’s a Batmobile about to take them to Makeout Bluff overlooking the downtown lights of Gotham City, this date was forgettable. “Holy charity date, Batman!” Brad and Alli had dinner out by the hot springs.

“We’re sinking.” -Alli on date with Brad. Like the Titanic, Alli, like the Titanic.

Of course Michelle had to do something scary, so she showed up at Brad’s house. Yeah, it worked out for the wrestler last season, so sure, go for it. That’s the story you want to tell your kids one day. “Hey Mikey, let me tell you how I met your father. There was this show…” meanwhile Brad’s thinking, “KKKK MMMM NNNN!!!” (reference to The Big Bang Theory). Before the rose ceremony Brad confronted Michelle about her behavior, Shawntel played the quiet game with Brad, kissed him, and then lost the quiet game. Ashley H. practiced adding the letter ‘a’ to words it doesn’t belong in, ie. “perfact.” Chantal O. told Brad she’s in love with him, the first girl to do this and on a completely related note, she’s also the girl with the most points in the Nashville/ Oklahoma City Fantasy Leagues. Isn’t that just perfact?

Girls who got a rose: Chantal O., Ashley H., Emily, Britt, Shawntel N. and Michelle.

WoSmacked: Alli and Jackie.

P.S. Remember the Rockette Keltie Colleen? She plays the lead actress in this phenomenal music video and song by Christina Perri, check it out:

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 1: He Meets the Girls.

Season 15 kicked off with a remorseful Brad Womack who lead us down Lonesome Road, which is a left off Sad Boulevard and a right on Solitaire Street (if you hit Rejection Lane you’ve gone too far). Brad’s life was at a dead end. In 2007, he finished season 11 of the Bachelor and had no marriage proposal to show for it. That’s because, with the two girls left on that season, he gave neither a rose. They took the off ramp down to Dejection Depot while Brad signed up for three years of therapy. Here is where we see a montage of Brad sitting in the rain. Then walking in the sun.

Therapy. Analyzation. Trust issues. Blame father. Standing by lake with no shirt.

Green v-neck shirt.

Not to be outdone, purple v-neck shirt.

Fast forward to 2011 and Brad’s back in business, claiming to be a changed man. Global warming? War? Rising gas prices? No, no. Tell me who killed Michael Jackson then tell me Brad’s a changed man. We’ll courier that news to Bin Laden and bing bang, problem solved. In my best George W. Bush voice: America, you’re a beacon of freedom and change and giving people second chances at… freedom and change… and being on The Bachelor. End quote.

Par for the course next when Chris Harrison brings Brad to the front of the mansion where each girl steps out of a limousine to introduce themselves. This season there are 30 potential Womackettes (instead of the standard 25) so that’ll make for more drama and a few extra episodes of awesomeness.

Each girl has their own ideas of making good first impressions, some standouts include the girl who got him to propose, the vampire teeth girl, the hand mysteriously appearing out of the limousine window girl, and the slap heard round the world. Between promo packages and commericals, it was tough to squeeze in any real documention of relationships being formed (hey, they only had two hours to do this) so without much storyline, Brad narrowed it down to 20 girls (listed below). I’ll be honest, I had a couple guy friends over to my house to watch the premiere. We’re totally secure men so we never had a problem watching the show together, though they weren’t happy about my idea to light a fire, but I thought it would be warm.

Amongst the topics we talked about during the episode: why all the girls are white, the average bachelorette age this season is 27 years old (Brad is 38), Emily and who of us three should get to marry her when Brad lets her go, are fangs hot, Ashley S. grabbing Brad’s butt, Alli talking to Brad about her butt when he was probably thinking about something else of hers (more specifically her two something else’s that she made very obvious), Raichel’s wrist waxing, and how we can set up a bracket challenge for this season. I’ll work on setting up a bracket tomorrow, but that’s ok, at my job I have Microsoft Word and they encourage us to be creative. So I’ll design a sweet bracket, save it as a pdf and email to the guys. Copies available upon request.

Ashley S. gets the first impression rose. The next 19 went to Michelle, Kimberly, Madison Vampire, Emily, Raichel Wax, Keltie, Ashley H., Meghan, Lisa M., Lindsay, Alli, Sarah P. (your name rhymes with therapy), Marissa, Britt, Stacey, Shawntel, Jackie, Melissa, Chantal O.

No rose: Britnee, Cristy, J, Jill, Lacey, Lauren, Lisa P., Rebecca, Renee, and Sarah L.

My predictions for the final 3 are: Emily, Chantal O., Michelle. My two favorites after the first episode are Emily and Shawntel.

Click here for a recap of episode 2.