My guilty pleasure: The Bachelor shows

I’m a 40-year old man and I’m an addict. Hi, my name is Ben.

This relationship I have with the Bachelor family of shows started over a decade ago and I’ve always said I can quit whenever I want. It’s not a problem.

But it IS a problem when I wake up Monday morning and think, “Ok, I need to plan my day around the goal of being home by 7pm to watch Bachelor in Paradise.” Or when I become the very proud commissioner of a Bachelor fantasy league at work. And it’s not even the fantasy game ABC created.

We created our own league with our own points and categories and a giant excel sheet. 

To be honest, it was awesome. I loved keeping stats on kisses, who cussed or said “here for the right reasons,” who shows up with a gimmick on episode 1, who gets the first impression rose, and on and on we would go with the circus.

But it’s not like there’s ever been a lot of real romance on the show, even dating back to the very first Bachelor couple, Adam and Eve. There is some romance, for sure. However, the romance we witness rarely leads to marriage. In fact, if I were a divorce lawyer, well, I’d be poor (because of that whole not getting married part) BUT I’d be waiting right behind Neil Lane with a packet of papers and a couple of pens.

Producers pressure you into a premature proposal? Fantasy suite got you all confused about stuff? Pump the brakes and put your trust in me. Hi, my name is Ben. I’ll be your lawyer friend.

…would be my way-too-long slogan. If there were a way to make money off engagement breakups, THEN I’d be more than a poor divorce lawyer. Because this is dating in real life. So why do I, and we, keep coming back? I guess it’s for entertainment value because there sure is a heck of a lot of that. And the drama. With the current cast of Jordan and Blake and Hannah G among others, my heart rate is equal to a brisk jog on a Planet Fitness treadmill.

I guess we could call this post “Confessions of a 40 year old man: Why I admit to watching The Bachelor.” My confession: I just do. I can’t really explain why. With the windmills and the Stagecoach and Jordan being the best cast member ever, we just can’t get enough, can we? 🙂

What are your thoughts about the show and if you’re willing to share, why do you watch? Comment below!

-Out of the Wilderness

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Hannah B and her thir(s)ty men – episode 1

The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to Hannah on the phone, asking her if she wants to be the Bachelorette. I have so many questions.

Why was a camera crew recording her? Would ABC pay a crew to record a FaceTime chat between the two if she WASN’T going to be the Bachelorette?

Here’s how I think it ACTUALLY went down. Chris and Hannah were together, like maybe during last season’s After the Final Rose or whatever, and Chris says “go in a different room and take a camera guy with you. We’ll be done in 5 minutes.”

Enough of all this trickery! 

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Ok, Hannah is a former Miss Alabama. Chris “asks” if she “wants” to be the next Bachelorette. She cautiously says yes and acts like she was just crowned Miss Bachelorette 2019. Roll Tide. 

Here are some notes from the show and the 30 men who showed up to meet Hannah.

First out of each limousine: Garrett, Devin, Peter the Pilot. I think I must’ve missed a few, but 53 other guys showed up on tractors or in boxes or over fences.

Guys with a gimmick: Connor S. jumps fence. Cam raps. Scott has floor plans for a dream home. 

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Goofy gifts: Joe in a huge carboard box. Joey with wine in a baby carrier. Ryan wears skates. Hunter with a tie so they can “tie the knot.” Grant has a hot dog and tons of condiments. Jonathan pizza. Kevin footballs. Matt Donald tractor. Chasen the Pilot made a paper airplane. Peter the Pilot brought a wings pin. 

How many times someone said…

Find my person: 1 (Hannah)

Dude mentions Colton: 1 (Dylan)

Here for the right reasons: 3 (all by Hannah)

How many times I threw up someone said “Roll Tide”: 9

First impression rose: Luke Timberlake (is he not Justin Timberlake??)

Kisses Hannah: Cam the Rapper, Connor S, Luke Timberlake

Steals Hannah from someone else: Chris Harrison, who drops the bomb that Scott may have a girlfriend back home. 

Going home without a rose: Scott…obviously. Matt Donald. Ryan. Other guy. Joe the Box King. Chasen the Pilot. A few other guys.

Gets a rose: Mike. Connor S. Matthew. Connor J. Tennessee Jed. Dustin. Joey. Devin. Peter the Pilot. Dylan. Matteo. Jonathan. Tyler C. Tyler G. Darren. Luke S. Garrett. Grant. Kevin. John Paul Jones Ledger (this might be Heath Ledger, not sure yet). (Cam and Luke already had roses from previous moments).

Featured in the final credits: Chris Harrison sweeping up shipping peanuts after Joe busted out of the huge cardboard box…. which leads me to these final thoughts. 

Final thoughts #1: Joe with the box full of peanuts is a great example of what has me fit to be tied. Connor is too. He throws her a Bachelorette party. Can I be the one who asks this…. does the crew hate any dude who “comes up with an idea” because you know those guys aren’t the ones actually setting up these elaborate things. It’s the crew! Some poor PA has to get a p-card, find a car (probably their own), fight traffic, buy the props, put the receipt in their secret garden lest they lose it and have to pay for all that stuff themselves, get back to the set, set up the date or stunt, then watch some moron swoop in and take all the credit. Always a bridesmaid, I guess. Oh yeah, and who’s gonna clean up these messes (looking at you Joe with the shipping peanuts!), it’s the PAs!!!!!!

Coming from a TV background, this really gets my knickers in a twist!

Final thoughts #2: Then there’s Jed. Did you have to be from Tennessee? Did you have to be named Jed? People already think we’re backwoods dum dums. Now with that said, I’ll admit the song he sang was granny-slapping’ good. Dern tootin’.

-Out of the Wilderness

Hannah B [Beast] begins her journey tonight!

[click here to find out who DID have a girlfriend back home in episode 1]

This season of the Bachelorette stars Hannah Brown, aka Hannah B., aka Hannah Beast, whittling thir[s]ty guys (of whom you can pick your least favorite here) down to one “winner.” I use that term loosely because… is getting the last rose and/or proposing and/or breaking up later and/or getting married truly winning in real life? 

 

I’ve done Bachelor/ette blogs in the past but it’s been a few years. Well, I’m bored enough to do it again so lucky you. These resurrected recaps won’t exactly be the same as before because literally everyone does recaps and well, some are pretty OK. When you come here, it’ll be like staying overnight in the fantasy suite- surprising, odd, and possibly gross. But memorable.

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what probably happens in every fantasy suite.

Who was the first to go in for a kiss? Who were the first guys exiting the limos in each round of deliveries? Who’s featured in the final credits scene? Which dudes mention Colton from last season? Is Joe the real Box King? How many times does anyone say “here for the right reasons”?

All this unimportant information and much more, I will gather for you. So check back after each episode and let me know in the comments what you think about Hannah and her pool of potential ex-boyfriends.

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Talk to you soon!

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelorette, Episode 6: The Heart is Forever Making the Head Its Fool

We’re all couch psychiatrists each Monday night at 8/7 Central and Ashley Hebert is our favorite client. Like a Sunday afternoon football game, women (and a few men) are sitting in their living rooms screaming at the television, offering advice on what the next play should be. Unfortunately for Ashley, she can’t hear us and even more unfortunately, no one close to her will show her the tapes of Bentley’s interviews. Just show her the dang tapes! I guess it’s easier to fly him to Hong Kong, given it’s proximity to Los Angeles and all. Each episode Ashley’s heart continues to trick her head into thinking Bentley cares but I think this is the one time it would be OK to break up over the phone. Even an email would do, am I right? Anyway, he’s out there and Ashley’s hoping he’ll propose, but the dot dot dot ends with a period. Bentley is done. Winner = Ashley.

This psychiatric analysis is going to end short tonight, I have another client knocking on my door. I won’t tell you his name, but let’s just say it rhymes with Metta World Peace. Actually, that’s his name.

Though roses went to Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., Ben F., Constantine, and Ames, winners of the episode were Mickey and Blake who went home without a drama, I mean, rose.

Ron Artest a.k.a. Metta World Peace

 

The Bachelorette in Chiang Mai, Thailand

The lucky guys are still in Thailand trying to win Ashley’s love and devotion, this time, in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I liked how last week when Ashley announced they’d be going to Chiang Mai, Thailand all the guys cheered. Come on, no one besides Ames really knew where it was. But that’s where they found themselves and so they settle in to the Mandarin Oriental dadada Hotel. Ashley’s monologue about how she’s ready for new beginnings was accompanied by the music of Crystal Pepsi. I became inspired, and thirsty.

This is the first episode featuring a two-on-one date, but first, let’s see who got the one-on-one date. It went to Ben F., the winemaker from California. Their date included two pink shirts, a rickety 3-wheeler and a trip to the downtown market. I was expecting the Thai version of a flash mob, but they made umbrellas, instead. Wouldn’t it be cool if every episode had a flash mob from now on? Anyway, Ben had pink striped shorts on, too. I think it worked but what do I know? I do stuff like this:

After the umbrellas Ben F. and Ashley view an ancient temple. They aren’t allowed to kiss near the temple, so they close their eyes and kiss, Representative Weiner style, a.k.a. in their minds. Later, Ben F. and Ashley eat dinner at a breathtaking picnic setup including candles, flowers, and well, food. Ben F. opens up about his dad dying. Ashley replies with a “rhhhhhhhhhlly” which is a breathy way to say “really.” I suppose that means she was extremely moved by Ben’s story. So when you want someone to know you’re sympathetic, add h’s to the words you uhhhhse. Ben F.’s fan base is sure to grow after this date, so does his chances with Ashley. She gives him the rose that was at stake, then they kiss.

The group date included Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., and Mickey. They guys take part in Muay Thai boxing which is basically kickboxing. The guys boxed each other in short one-on-one matches. The matches really could’ve went either way, but there were some winner and losers. Ames lost his match to Ryan P. and actually went to the hospital. He later caught up with the gang at dinner. Ashley pulled him aside to make sure he was alright. Ames explained the doctor said he was suffering from being totally in love… and a mild concussion.

Did anyone else notice the excessive use of cell phone video camera footage? I guess no one’s safe from the budget crunch, eh, ABC? Cheer up, you still have “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show” game show.

Blake gets the rose from the group date, which he accepts and then kisses Ashley. The first two-on-one of the season went to William and Ben C. and one of the guys will go home at the end of the date. William comes across awfully arrogant in his interviews, a side we haven’t really seen before. The three take a log raft ride down a river and I’m suddenly having flashbacks of the one time I watched Deliverance.

William talks separately with Ashley and proceeds to throw Ben under the bus, something he said he wasn’t doing. He told Ashley what Ben said to the guys about wanting to get back to online dating. In a shocking twist, Ben C. is sent home immediately. Ashley and William sit down for dinner where Ashley took a longer than comfortable sip of her drink. Why? Because she was about to send William home, too. Bam. William’s now wondering “…what was Ben C. saying about Match.com again? Or was it OKCupid?”

Later Ashley meets the guys for the cocktail party. She has some ultra boring talks with the guys, sponsored by my DVR. Fast forwarding to the rose ceremony, roses went to: (Ben F. and Blake earlier), Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey, Ryan P. The men sent home were (Ben C. and William earlier), Nick.

Quote of the episode… Ashley: “hhhhhyy gyyyyys” (a breathy “hey guys”)

Thanks for reading! For a relationship that has a better chance of surviving, and is simply more real, check out these two people getting married:

Ashley Hebert Tattoo Pictures (The Bachelorette 2011)

Ashley Hebert has a tattoo on her right wrist. Check it out below. For show recaps, click here!!

Ashley and Lucas in Episode 3

Ashley and Blake in Episode 3

Ashley's "crazy beautiful" tattoo

Ashley Hebert tattoo image

Ashley and the Jabbawockeez, and her tattoo


10 signs your date was a contestant on The Bachelor

10. She cries a lot.

9. You find out when you were in 6th grade, she was born. Yeah, you’re that much older than her.

8. She expects a rose at the end of every date.

7. She expects an engagement ring after a few weeks of dating.

6. Instead of dinner and a movie, she wants dinner and a movie… in Thailand!

[also check out “10 signs he’s into you,” in REAL life]

5. She keeps referring to your dates as one-on-one time.

4. She keeps referring to your parents as “the two I met on the hometown date.”

3. She often asks for wine to drink.

2. Her little brother accompanies you on dates with a video camera and says things like, “the most romantic date ever,” and “coming up…”

1. When you have a disagreement, she accuses you of “not being there for the right reasons.”

Honorable Mentions: Your date expects you to pick her up in a helicopter. Your date is white. Your date is craaaaazzzzyyyyy.