Hannah B and her thir(s)ty men – episode 1

The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to Hannah on the phone, asking her if she wants to be the Bachelorette. I have so many questions.

Why was a camera crew recording her? Would ABC pay a crew to record a FaceTime chat between the two if she WASN’T going to be the Bachelorette?

Here’s how I think it ACTUALLY went down. Chris and Hannah were together, like maybe during last season’s After the Final Rose or whatever, and Chris says “go in a different room and take a camera guy with you. We’ll be done in 5 minutes.”

Enough of all this trickery! 

sketch-1557781763034.jpg

Ok, Hannah is a former Miss Alabama. Chris “asks” if she “wants” to be the next Bachelorette. She cautiously says yes and acts like she was just crowned Miss Bachelorette 2019. Roll Tide. 

Here are some notes from the show and the 30 men who showed up to meet Hannah.

First out of each limousine: Garrett, Devin, Peter the Pilot. I think I must’ve missed a few, but 53 other guys showed up on tractors or in boxes or over fences.

Guys with a gimmick: Connor S. jumps fence. Cam raps. Scott has floor plans for a dream home. 

sketch-1557802958110.png

Goofy gifts: Joe in a huge carboard box. Joey with wine in a baby carrier. Ryan wears skates. Hunter with a tie so they can “tie the knot.” Grant has a hot dog and tons of condiments. Jonathan pizza. Kevin footballs. Matt Donald tractor. Chasen the Pilot made a paper airplane. Peter the Pilot brought a wings pin. 

How many times someone said…

Find my person: 1 (Hannah)

Dude mentions Colton: 1 (Dylan)

Here for the right reasons: 3 (all by Hannah)

How many times I threw up someone said “Roll Tide”: 9

First impression rose: Luke Timberlake (is he not Justin Timberlake??)

Kisses Hannah: Cam the Rapper, Connor S, Luke Timberlake

Steals Hannah from someone else: Chris Harrison, who drops the bomb that Scott may have a girlfriend back home. 

Going home without a rose: Scott…obviously. Matt Donald. Ryan. Other guy. Joe the Box King. Chasen the Pilot. A few other guys.

Gets a rose: Mike. Connor S. Matthew. Connor J. Tennessee Jed. Dustin. Joey. Devin. Peter the Pilot. Dylan. Matteo. Jonathan. Tyler C. Tyler G. Darren. Luke S. Garrett. Grant. Kevin. John Paul Jones Ledger (this might be Heath Ledger, not sure yet). (Cam and Luke already had roses from previous moments).

Featured in the final credits: Chris Harrison sweeping up shipping peanuts after Joe busted out of the huge cardboard box…. which leads me to these final thoughts. 

Final thoughts #1: Joe with the box full of peanuts is a great example of what has me fit to be tied. Connor is too. He throws her a Bachelorette party. Can I be the one who asks this…. does the crew hate any dude who “comes up with an idea” because you know those guys aren’t the ones actually setting up these elaborate things. It’s the crew! Some poor PA has to get a p-card, find a car (probably their own), fight traffic, buy the props, put the receipt in their secret garden lest they lose it and have to pay for all that stuff themselves, get back to the set, set up the date or stunt, then watch some moron swoop in and take all the credit. Always a bridesmaid, I guess. Oh yeah, and who’s gonna clean up these messes (looking at you Joe with the shipping peanuts!), it’s the PAs!!!!!!

Coming from a TV background, this really gets my knickers in a twist!

Final thoughts #2: Then there’s Jed. Did you have to be from Tennessee? Did you have to be named Jed? People already think we’re backwoods dum dums. Now with that said, I’ll admit the song he sang was granny-slapping’ good. Dern tootin’.

-Out of the Wilderness

Advertisements

Hannah B [Beast] begins her journey tonight!

[click here to find out who DID have a girlfriend back home in episode 1]

This season of the Bachelorette stars Hannah Brown, aka Hannah B., aka Hannah Beast, whittling thir[s]ty guys (of whom you can pick your least favorite here) down to one “winner.” I use that term loosely because… is getting the last rose and/or proposing and/or breaking up later and/or getting married truly winning in real life? 

 

I’ve done Bachelor/ette blogs in the past but it’s been a few years. Well, I’m bored enough to do it again so lucky you. These resurrected recaps won’t exactly be the same as before because literally everyone does recaps and well, some are pretty OK. When you come here, it’ll be like staying overnight in the fantasy suite- surprising, odd, and possibly gross. But memorable.

sketch-1557781764058.jpg

what probably happens in every fantasy suite.

Who was the first to go in for a kiss? Who were the first guys exiting the limos in each round of deliveries? Who’s featured in the final credits scene? Which dudes mention Colton from last season? Is Joe the real Box King? How many times does anyone say “here for the right reasons”?

All this unimportant information and much more, I will gather for you. So check back after each episode and let me know in the comments what you think about Hannah and her pool of potential ex-boyfriends.

sketch-1557782528487.jpg

Talk to you soon!

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelor: An Introduction to Brad Womack

Welcome back to another season of The Bachelor. This is the first time Out of the Wilderness will be covering this version of the show. You may recall some wild and hilarious (that’s called shameless self-promotion) posts about Ali Fedotowski on last season’s Bachelorette. She ended up choosing Roberto over Chris L. (recap here), though most searches directing viewers to this site were about Chris and his tattoo. Chris Lambton was slated to be the next Bachelor but he declined, so lo and behold, we have Brad Womack.

The Bachelor

This is Brad’s second time on the show, with the first being the season he surprised everyone by not choosing Jenni Croft or DeAnna Pappas. That was back in 2007. Now, in 2011, Brad lives in Austin, Texas and is sure he’s a changed man. His twin brother and their younger brother both are married and have families, so Brad is desperate excited to start a family of his own.

Out of the Wilderness will cover each episode as Brad narrows thirty desperate excited women down to one. Log on to the web either late Monday nights or early Tuesdays for a fresh, creative, clever and hilarious take on each new episode. Then check this site for my take.

Good luck to Brad and his once-twice-in-a-lifetime search for love!

Thanks,

BW

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 8.

The only solace I have today is knowing that George Steinbrenner was alive long enough to see Ali meet the remaining four bachelor’s families. Talk about weight lifted off the shoulders. Wooo. *wiping nervous sweat from forehead*

First up on the hometown visit episode was Roberto. He takes Ali to the University of Tampa’s baseball field, where he played in college. They walked around the field and practiced batting and fielding. Clearly Ali is smitten with Roberto but an expert Bachelorette consultant friend of mine pointed out that Roberto doesn’t seem to be reciprocating the affection quite as much. Holy Justin Bieber, Batman! This could be crucial info as the season comes to a close. Ali and Roberto did more baseball related things, which apparently makes Ali laugh because she laughed quite a bit throughout the baseball field tour.

Ali: “Today’s date had all the elements I want in life.”

Yeah, first base, second base, third base… places you’ve already been with how many bachelors? Hiiiyoooo! Later Ali meets Roberto’s family. His dad pulled Roberto aside and called him “a big price.” I love when parents are encouraging. So much of what’s wrong in the world (and in this show!) would be remedied if parents would love their children and encourage them. Justin Bieber! I didn’t mean to get deep so quick. Sorry. Before the hometown date was over, Ali mentioned she’s getting cold feet. I only hear that phrase when it’s related to a wedding. Interesting.

the circle of trust.

The next hometown date was with Chris L. If I had to describe Chris in a few words: solid, genuine, deep. We learn from this date that Chris comes from good stock. His dad is cool, his brothers are cool, and his sister-in-laws are cool.  They live by the motto: “Love is the only reality.” While they were all talking, Chris’ sister-in-law asked Ali about the tennis bracelet he gave her in Portugal. My only question is, will Roberto mail the bracelet back to Chris L. when the show is over? There’s a Lambton circle of trust, and Ali won’t make it in.

Kirk Sir-Smiles-A-Lot hosted Ali in his hometown next. His parents are divorced so this date will include two separate visits with his dad then his mom. Turns out Kirk’s dad is passionate and professional about stuffed animals. Literally. Real animals. Stuffed. He brings Ali down to the basement to show her his trophies.

Ali: “What is this thing?”
Kirk’s Dad: “What that is, is a caribou foot that I put eyes on.”
Ali: “Wow.”

Unfortunately, this little visit didn’t seem to please Ali, which will not award Kirk any points. She probably thinks of Kirk as an apple that won’t fall from the tree. On a sidenote, Kirk’s dad if you’re reading this, I have a few moles digging up my yard that I’d love to have taxidermied. Email me. Part two of this date is at the home of Kirk’s mother. The headlines from this portion are that the cheesy potatoes were a big hit. That’s about as interesting as it got for the rest of that date.

The final hometown date was in Chicago with I’m-Wearing-A-V-Neck-That’s-Not-Really-A-V-Neck Frank. They meet on the Navy Pier, run to each other and hug. In a raspy voice, Frank says, “Ali.” They take a boat ride across the water, aaaand scene! On the boat ride, Frank revealed some of his insecurities about the relationship, which surprised Ali. Eight episodes into the season and this is the first time we hear of Frank’s doubts? Whatever happened to reality television? I’m suspicious that somewhere deep in the bowels of ABC there’s a host of writers along with a team of producers along with a pack of wolves along with Kasey who’s pitching songs he makes up on the fly.

In the end, roses went to Roberto, Chris L., and Frank in that order. It was Kirk’s time to go home, so he made like a pelican and flew out of there.

caribou foot with eyes.

Ali Fedotowsky The Bachelorette, Episode 6.

The Bachelorette meets Cheaters meets I Survived A Japanese Game Show.

If you saw this episode, you’re painfully aware (the first thirty minutes were dedicated to this) that Justin “Rated-R” Rego is long gone. Turns out, dun dun dun! he has a girlfriend. For more digression into all of that, read other recaps, I want to get to the good stuff! Afterall, The Driftwood Detectatory, II is nothing if not “good stuff.”
Seven guys remain after last week’s episode. They’re bunked up at the Hyatt in Instanbul, Turkey. It’s the normal routine of two one-on-one dates split in the middle by a group date. The first single date goes to Ty from Tennessee. Their date was at a Turkish bath. Ali informs us that usually only men are allowed there so she’s happy to be allowed inside. Is it an honor to have access to where men bathe? Really? I used to shower at the Y downtown and let me tell you, it’s no place for a woman. Think showers full of wrinkly naked men. With no shower dividers. Anyway, she and Ty rub lotion on each other and kiss a little. Ty has restored her faith in wrinkle-free men. Mine, too. The chemistry between these two is blowing up. Especially with the background drum track ripped from a 1997 soft porn video. Country singer Ty’s new nickname, “Ty Longnote,” if you know what I mean. It’s dinner time, so while they eat Ali asks him about his divorce. He explains why his first marriage went South, telling her he’s learned and become a better person because of it. He couldn’t appear more sincerely ready for a new attempt at marriage. Or, as he likes to call it, verse three. Ali offers Ty the rose and he accepts. They go outside and dance on the street.

Next up, the group date with Chris L., Roberto, Kirk, and Craig R. This date took place at a fifteenth-century fortress and had some surprises. First, no rose will be given out. Instead, the guys must wrestle covered in olive oil to win a date with Ali. Of all the athletic guys who remain, Craig (a lawyer) ends up winning and gets his first one-on-one date with Ali. Nice work, Craig! Maybe you won’t be pegged as “The Protective Big Brother” afterall. The rest of the guys return to the Hyatt and tell Frank the Smotherer all that happened, who’s surprisingly upset that all he can do is wait in devastating anticipation.

“Roberto is a really good oil wrestler.”
-Craig R.

Craig and Ali go out on a boat for dinner, where he jokes about olive oil wrestling. This was an attempt to belittle Justin (the professional wrestler), similar to his Kasey tattoo joke last week. Unfortunately it floats right by Ali’s little blonde head and Craig got no bonus points. Is it obvious here that Craig likes her, or more accurately, he wants to like her? Ali wants to like him, but knows something’s not there. His “protective big brother” characteristic bites him in the booty, never more clearly than when they watched fireworks from the boat. That’s when she called him, “so sweet,” which, if you’ve ever been a guy you know that’s the kiss of death. Just ask Krazy Kasey. She called him sweet in episode 1 and look where he is now. Last week I predicted Craig wouldn’t get a rose this week, and so far, he’s right on track.

The final date of the evening went to Frank the Smotherer. Before it started, Ali commented that she wants the old Frank back. I don’t think she has a clear recollection of “the old Frank” but hey, she wants what she wants. The date begins with snacking on some candy-like treats from a carpet shop, of course. The owner sells them a rug. So now they’re walking around Turkey with a huge rug from IstanKEA. Frank says he feels like they’re in a movie. Aha! He’s thinking back to the U.S. soccer game versus Algeria when Landon Donovan scored a late-game goal, the commentator exclaiming “Hollywood couldn’t write it any better!” Well watch out, Landon, Frank’s out to prove he can! Anyway, they chat over a romantic dinner. Ali confesses she’s scared about something, I don’t know, I was busy thinking about the Donovan goal. It was awesome! Ok, Ali feels really good around Frank the Smotherer. She smothers his chest with a rose. He accepts then smiles smothererly.

The cocktail party is cancelled and the guys are, guess what, shocked! Ali already knows who she’s going to eliminate and doesn’t want to delay. Roses went to Ty, Frank, Roberto, Chris L., and Kirk. Craig’s eliminated. Runner-up for quote of the episode goes to ABC for this one: “If you’d like to be on the upcoming season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, go to bachelor.abc.com and click apply.” Don’t apply, we all know it’ll be Frank or Kirk.

Check back next week for a recap of episode 7!