The first Bachelor contestant, Adam

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Does anyone else’s mind wander during church sometimes? Only me? OK then! That’ll give me something to confess the next time I’m in prayer.

“God, I’m sorry for thinking about ABC’s The Bachelor and what if Adam was the contestant picking from 25 women. I know it’s weird. Thank you for loving me anyway.”

…is pretty much how that prayer would go.

Today in church there was a brief mention of Adam and Eve, and my mind ran with it. Somehow Adam became the star of The Bachelor and Eve was just one of the 25 women competing to guard and protect his heart, which leads to a flurry of questions:

Where would the other 24 women come from?

Would they all be vegetarians?

They’re already in a beautiful garden, so where’re the “exotic” dates?

Who is “there for the right reasons”?

I can see the first caravan of camels pulling up now. Adam, here are the first five women… Mary, Esther, Sarah, Ruth, and Jezebel, who simply winks and says, “Let’s do the d*mn thing.” Adam looks off to the side, “Boy, am I in trouble.” The next five arrive: Rahab, Zilpah, Ashleigh R., Ashley K., and Ashlee M. He whispers under his breath, “So many Ashley’s.” On and on it goes and maybe Eve doesn’t arrive till the final five, since the host (God) wants to save the best for last.

Adam notices Eve right off the bat so she gets the first impression rose. He feels like somehow she’s already a part of him. Get it? Ok, anyway. The first date card arrives…

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So that date will end badly. A combination of fruit, a snake, and all the contestants are banished from the paradise mansion in Eden…FOREVER!!!!! No Bachelor Pad, no Bachelor in Paradise, and dare I say not even an episode of The Women Tell All. But there is a wedding. Adam eventually picks Eve and they get married.

Years go by and many more seasons of The Bachelor, then along comes the star of the first Bachelorette season ever, Ruth! You can read her story in the Bible but I’ll say this, it includes a sizzling overnight encounter!

-Out of the Wilderness

 

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Working from home as it relates to Bachelor in Paradise.

Being self-employed, working from home, whatever you want to call it, that’s what I’ve been doing since being laid off about 2 Bachelor in Paradise seasons ago. And speaking of reality, if you would have told me 2 years ago how my life would look now, I would not’ve believed you, although I would’ve definitely hoped you were right. The idea of foregoing a desk job to explore other ways of making an income was attractive to me because I seemed to be fitting less and less in a style of work that included cubicles, time sheets, and weekly meetings.
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Plus, in our economy, now more than ever, alternative forms of income are very possible and I’m proof. I’ve also got friends that are proof. In fact, one new friend started her own business as a massage therapist less than a year ago and it’s been so inspiring to hear about. She’s really smart, went about it the right way, and I think it’s pretty awesome to hear stories like that.

I wake up each day excited about what the day holds but I’ll be totally honest, it’s not always fun or easy or safe. That’s where faith in a higher power comes in. I believe God wants to take care of each and every person on this planet. Don’t ask me how He’s able to do that because I have no idea, I’ll leave all the logistics up to Him. Some things we just weren’t meant to know, else our brains would…
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Maybe it’s a desk job. Maybe it’s professional sports. Maybe it’s working in a hospital, or inventing the next iPhone, or bagging groceries at Publix. We all can fit in somewhere.

Geez, I’m way off track.

I didn’t mean to go all Tony Robins on you.

I guess the moral of this post is that sometimes what might look like a devastating blow is actually the best thing that could ever happen. Take Bachelor in Paradise, for example.
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The rose ceremony happens and you don’t get a rose. But instead of crying and your makeup smearing all over your cheeks, you skip out with a big smile on your face and hope in your heart that paradise is actually not televised.

The adventure might only be beginning! Here’s to your adventure, my adventure, and enjoying the journey…

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelorette episode 1 recap

Update: Kaitlyn is the new Bachelorette, and sadly Britt went home. Here’s my recap from Monday night’s episode:

The first half of the Dancing with the Stars finale just finished so now it’s time for Dating with the Studs, aka. The Bachelorette.

“Two very different women competing for the same thing.” -Chris Harrison

No, he’s not talking about the race for the U.S. Presidency, he’s talking about something else that’s never been done before… a double bachelorette showdown! Two girls are featured as the premiere episode kicks off, Kaitlyn and Britt. They were both contestants on the previous season of The Bachelor, but didn’t make it to the final rose. So now 25 guys will pick which one they want to stay as the Bachelorette. But first, we get a quick refresher on the girls. You know, all the good stuff they’d put on their dating resume, without mentioning the real reason they’re using a TV show to find love…

Their eggs are rotting!

OK, that’s a throwback to a contestant from a few years ago, and a bit graphic. By now her eggs have spoiled but not for Britt or Kaitlyn, their burners are on high and they’re hoping to heat things up quick! We are subjected to privileged to hear the backstory of a few of the guys…

Jonathan from Detroit has 5 year old son and prefers Britt over Kaitlyn. Joe from Columbia, Kentucky, has a chocolate lab and horses. He lives by the golden rule. He prefers Kaitlyn. Josh from Chicago graduated from law school and is studying for the bar. At night he’s a male dancer with tattoos everywhere. Brady, from Nashville, writes songs and prefers Britt.

Joshua is a welder from a small town in Idaho. He walks with 2 bulldogs. He prefers Kaitlyn over Britt. Ian, from Los Angeles, ran track at Princeton but got hit by a car, and can’t run anymore…oh wait, yes he can. He also prefers Kaitlyn. Jared from Rhode Island says his superhero name would be Loveman…which conveniently got autocorrected to lovemaking. Whoa, whoa, save that for the fantasy suite, right! He would pick Kaitlyn over Britt.

Tony from Missouri: yoga, flexibility therapy, always been sensitive, antisocial, unique. Ben from California: played at San Jose State and tried out for NFL. Mom passed away when he was 14, this is the biggest risk he’s ever taken…likes both girls equally.

Commercial break. Gosh darn it if those Whirlpool ads don’t get me every time! Whoever came up with the idea to use Johnny Cash, give ’em a raise! OK, back to the studs of the hour (or two).

Overstatement of episode so far, “This process works.” -Britt

“Julio, get the stretch!” The guys begin arriving chauffeured in sleek black limousines, per usual. Ben H. from Colorado is the first guy out of the limos. He likes Britt more than he likes Kaitlyn. Jonathan acts a little too smooth. I feel slimy just listening to him. Clint seems comfortable right out of the gate. Jared greets Britt. All the guys are gravitating towards Britt, making Kaitlyn nervous and uncomfortable. LL Cool J look-alike (except thinner, and I’m guessing not as cool, or as LL) Kupah must’ve stepped away from the NCIS set to come on the show. He will be gone soon unless he can rap like LL. Kaitlyn would love that. Otherwise, mama will say knock him out…off the show, I mean…no rose….you know, send him home but act like it was a struggle to decide.

While more guys arrive, the ones inside the mansion discuss the two girls. Sounds like a useless piece of information but hey, it’s what happened. I’m just relaying the info.

JJ made Kaitlyn laugh, as did Ryan. Headband Bradley arrived with a tennis racket. Look, if you’re not Pete Sampras, leave the gear at home. 50 Shades of Josh (the male dancer we saw featured earlier) showed up. I’m guessing he’ll be quite entertaining, so he’ll hang around a long time (puns intended). Justin talked with helium and Kaitlyn ate it up. Now Britt is nervous.

“What is that, soap or tissues?” -Kaitlyn commenting about a gift given to Britt, referring to Britt crying a lot last season and not showering.

Sean has a connection with both girls. Who he votes for will play a big role in the future with whichever girl stays.

Kaitlyn runs inside to say a word to the guys, and in not so many words Britt accuses her of cheating. Let’s call it Kait-gate, the latest in celebrity scandals, after Tom Brady’s deflate-gate.

Speaking of the embattled quarterback, Tom Brady’s doppelganger (who may or may not have a black eye?) is on the show, he came for Kaitlyn but now he’s on #TeamBritt.

More guys arrive and the girls are reaching new heights of desire. Yoga Tony climbs out of the limo and mellows everyone out. As far as I know, he didn’t charge for that session.

Early on, Ryan stands out as the town drunk, especially when Shawn arrived in the baddest car anywhere ever. Drunk Ryan totally made fun of Hot Tub Shawn in the driveway and in front of the girls and it was awkward. Oh, his nickname is Hot Tub Shawn because he made his hoopty into a hot tub. Cool the first time you see it? Sure. The second time you see it?

“OK Shawn we get it, you made your car into a hot tub. No, we don’t want ride with you to the farmer’s market.” -all Shawn’s friends

But actually Shawn’s car looks even better when a dentist named Chris arrives in a Disney-esque cupcake car. Well, the girls liked it. Maybe I’m wrong. But I’m guessing Cupcake Chris will make it to the top 5, based on his sparkly smile alone. Unless he makes them bite into those fluoride things my dentist had when I was a kid. Major deal breaker, plus why would he even bring those to a dating show?

All the guys have made it into the mansion, and the two girls take turns emcee’ing the opening speech. It came across as a who-can-shout-louder type of introduction, but nonetheless, the guys are all smiles and soon after, tons of small talk.

Notes: A couple dudes have little dudes back home. One of the little dudes is named Arillius. Not judging. Or spelling it correctly, I bet. Another guy has devilish dimples. Shawn loved Kaitlyn at first sight. Another guy brings a caricature of Chris Harrison.

With 45 minutes to go in the episode, the voting room opens so the guys can submit their picks, whether they want Kaitlyn to stay, or Britt. This just got real. Lots of decisions about to happen. Meanwhile the guys are chatting amongst themselves and acting like they’re each others newest best friend, except for Drunk Ryan and Hot Tub Shawn. In Drunk Ryan’s defense, Hot Tub didn’t really need to confront him at this point (about his ride being made fun of earlier), but I guess he was having his oil changed or chlorine added or tires rotated, who knows, but he had spare time to get up in Drunk Ryan’s face.

Drunk Ryan does many things proving he doesn’t belong, and actually gets pulled off the show by Chris Harrison. There’s always one, I guess, but gosh, if wearing a Speedo is so wrong, then my summer is gonna be epic! *Stares off into space wondering how I’m still single*

Britt and Kaitlyn share a few moments with a few of the guys, but we’ll have to wait a few more hours to find out which single gal stays! The first half of the two-night premiere extravaganza is over, so the drama ensues tomorrow night.

-Out of the Wilderness

On having jury duty and getting laid off in the same week

Well, jury duty was very interesting. Maybe I’d have a different opinion if it was more than getting a chance to observe in real-life something I only typically see on TV. And now I’d like to thank my parents for raising me well enough that court is something I only typically see on TV. As a potential juror, I experienced a lot in the two days required of me. It was fascinating, even if the actual case sounded somewhat trivial. One person wants money, the other doesn’t want to give them money. Which means it was a civil case, as opposed to criminal.

“You can’t handle the truth!”

That line from A Few Good Men? Criminal case.

“Show me the money!”

That line from Jerry Maguire? Not a court case at all, but more likely to be said in a civil case unless you’re Cuba Gooding, Jr. Then you’re saying it all the time because hey, you’ve got the kwan.

One thing I learned is that in a civil case, the plaintiff has the burden of proof to show the accusations made are more likely true. In criminal, it’s the “beyond a reasonable doubt” we always here on TV (again, something I’ve never heard in real life, thanks Mom and Dad). I also learned about cases that involve someone stealing the spouse of someone else. Yeah, it has a name… Alienation of Affection. Crazy stuff.

“What’s love got to do with it?”

Evidently nothing. Alienation of Affection is a civil case because it’s about money. Unless O.J. Simpson’s involved. Then it would probably turn into criminal. But he’s innocent. I’m just speaking hypothetically.

On day 2 of the jury selection process, it was my turn to answer questions from the judge and the 2 attorneys. This is where they ask a laundry list of questions to find out if I’m fit to be a juror on this particular case. The thing is, I would’ve been a juror if they’d ask me all the questions before our lunch break.

Timing is everything.

After our 1-hour break for lunch, the judge began asking me his questions. The first, “What’s your employment?” My answer, “Actually, during lunch I was laid off.” What!? Laid off during lunch!? That never happens! I don’t know if it was compassion, or doubting I could make a clear judgement, but I was released from the jury. So the case was left up to 12 other people not named Ben. All of which had jobs. So I got broken up with twice on the same day! Ouchy. I returned to work to face the music.

“Gentlemen, this is the final rose of the night.”

Those words from the Bachelorette definitely apply to my last day at work. A lot of people were eliminated, and I was one of them. I found people throughout the building and said my goodbyes. Hugs. Laughter. Encouragement. I promised myself I wouldn’t cry in the limousine ride to the airport. Wait, what? No. I collected my things, got in my car, and drove away from the parking garage, knowing as I left this was the last time I’d be at CMT for a long time. Things will forever be different.

I got home to be greeted by the wagging tails of my dogs. We went to the dog park. I ate dinner. I watched another episode of Arrested Development.

“Just so you have it… because then at least you’ll have it.”

What I have is confidence that I did good work at CMT. I worked hard. People liked me. A few of my closest friends came from my time in that building. Some of them I even Snapchat with. I’m different now than I was when I started way back in 2006. I’ve got more confidence in what I can offer professionally. I’ve grown and blossomed more than just professionally. I have no regrets working for CMT, who’s most popular show right now features a lifestyle I only typically see on TV. Yes, I’m referring to Party Down South (thanks Mom and Dad!).

On to the next thing!
-Out of the Wilderness

Wacky Wednesday: I Will Remember Hashtags

desireeSo I finally caught the first episode of the Bachelorette starring Desiree Hartsock. Anticipation had been building for weeks, but mostly for the Bachelorette Fantasy League I’m involved in!  In almost any form, I love competition. Anyway, from shirtless guy to the knight in shining armor, these guys should just be called “future former contestants” because they have no chance. I wish future Wesley (The Baby Bachelor) would time travel back to 2013 and slap us all in the face for watching these shows. Kasey (social media guy contestant) is hashtagging everything in sight. So how long does it take for “business” to make something popular unpopular? No, no State Farm Insurance, I will not like you on Facebook. And thanks but no thanks, Kentucky Fried Chicken… I will not tweet anything about #iatethebones. If you’re reading this in 2035, I promise we did cool stuff back in 2013 besides tweeting and tumblring. 

-Out of the Wilderness

The Bachelor and Why I Won’t Be Trying Out For It

“Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Down beside that red firelight?
Are you gonna let it all hang out?”

catherine4On the couch watching the season finale of “The Bachelor: Sean Lowe,” I think to myself how glad I am that I never applied to be on the show (though admittedly, I’ve considered applying before). It’s not so much that the formula doesn’t work, because there are success stories. I just know generally how it would go because of my track record and the show’s. You see, all the failed relationships I’ve been in have only one thing in common… me! It’s the harsh truth. So even if I were to make it on “The Bachelor” or as a contestant on “The Bachelorette,” it would ultimately end in a break-up. From the last girl I dated in Florida to the Asian I didn’t speak to in Harrah’s Casino last weekend, no relationship has progressed as far as it could have. But hey, I’m cool with that because things are different than they were in Florida because of stuff like this. And the Harrah’s girl, well, her memory will just serve as fuel to the fire the next time I want to act but hesitate.

So back to “The Bachelor,” at this point in the finale, we don’t know if Sean proposes to Lindsay (who wants marriage more than she wants Sean) or Catherine (who wants Sean more than she wants marriage), but one thing’s for sure… fat-bottomed girls make the rockin’ world go round.

“The slate will soon be clean
I’ll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted, all that love?”
-Lindsay or Catherine??? (and Queen, legally)

The Bachelorette Emily Maynard Episode 1

I have come so close to boycotting the show. Well, by “boycotting,” I mean sending in an application but let’s move on. I’m in a fantasy league at work, and that makes watching the show completely bearable. Do I care which guy wins? No. Am I concerned if the relationship will last? No. Do I want to win the 2012 Fantasy Bachelorette League? Heck yes. The Bachelorette this go round is Emily Maynard. She was a likable contestant on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor. She lost (or won depending on how you look at it) when Brad chose her to be his wife, which obviously never happened. We were all cheering for her to win. Is that like cheering for someone to get selected for the Hunger Games? “Yay! Go get’em!! Oh, wait, what happens to them out there? Oh. Hmm.”

To reach that shore you have to leave this one.

I applaud Emily for setting sail once again with the hope of finding true love. She seems to be a genuinely cool person. But what a dumb show. Will any of the 25 guys show signs they’re interested? Here are a few that should be obvious to Emily…

If you wanna keep up with the Fantasy League this season, 1.) Subscribe to this blog site and 2.) you must be super bored!