The show starts with Chris Harrison talking to Hannah on the phone, asking her if she wants to be the Bachelorette. I have so many questions.
Why was a camera crew recording her? Would ABC pay a crew to record a FaceTime chat between the two if she WASN’T going to be the Bachelorette?
Here’s how I think it ACTUALLY went down. Chris and Hannah were together, like maybe during last season’s After the Final Rose or whatever, and Chris says “go in a different room and take a camera guy with you. We’ll be done in 5 minutes.”
Enough of all this trickery!
Ok, Hannah is a former Miss Alabama. Chris “asks” if she “wants” to be the next Bachelorette. She cautiously says yes and acts like she was just crowned Miss Bachelorette 2019. Roll Tide.
Here are some notes from the show and the 30 men who showed up to meet Hannah.
First out of each limousine: Garrett, Devin, Peter the Pilot. I think I must’ve missed a few, but 53 other guys showed up on tractors or in boxes or over fences.
Guys with a gimmick: Connor S. jumps fence. Cam raps. Scott has floor plans for a dream home.
Goofy gifts: Joe in a huge carboard box. Joey with wine in a baby carrier. Ryan wears skates. Hunter with a tie so they can “tie the knot.” Grant has a hot dog and tons of condiments. Jonathan pizza. Kevin footballs. Matt Donald tractor. Chasen the Pilot made a paper airplane. Peter the Pilot brought a wings pin.
How many times someone said…
Find my person: 1 (Hannah)
Dude mentions Colton: 1 (Dylan)
Here for the right reasons: 3 (all by Hannah)
How many times
I threw up someone said “Roll Tide”: 9
First impression rose: Luke Timberlake (is he not Justin Timberlake??)
Kisses Hannah: Cam the Rapper, Connor S, Luke Timberlake
Steals Hannah from someone else: Chris Harrison, who drops the bomb that Scott may have a girlfriend back home.
Going home without a rose: Scott…obviously. Matt Donald. Ryan. Other guy. Joe the Box King. Chasen the Pilot. A few other guys.
Gets a rose: Mike. Connor S. Matthew. Connor J. Tennessee Jed. Dustin. Joey. Devin. Peter the Pilot. Dylan. Matteo. Jonathan. Tyler C. Tyler G. Darren. Luke S. Garrett. Grant. Kevin. John Paul Jones Ledger (this might be Heath Ledger, not sure yet). (Cam and Luke already had roses from previous moments).
Featured in the final credits: Chris Harrison sweeping up shipping peanuts after Joe busted out of the huge cardboard box…. which leads me to these final thoughts.
Final thoughts #1: Joe with the box full of peanuts is a great example of what has me fit to be tied. Connor is too. He throws her a Bachelorette party. Can I be the one who asks this…. does the crew hate any dude who “comes up with an idea” because you know those guys aren’t the ones actually setting up these elaborate things. It’s the crew! Some poor PA has to get a p-card, find a car (probably their own), fight traffic, buy the props, put the receipt in their secret garden lest they lose it and have to pay for all that stuff themselves, get back to the set, set up the date or stunt, then watch some moron swoop in and take all the credit. Always a bridesmaid, I guess. Oh yeah, and who’s gonna clean up these messes (looking at you Joe with the shipping peanuts!), it’s the PAs!!!!!!
Coming from a TV background, this really gets my knickers in a twist!
Final thoughts #2: Then there’s Jed. Did you have to be from Tennessee? Did you have to be named Jed? People already think we’re backwoods dum dums. Now with that said, I’ll admit the song he sang was granny-slapping’ good. Dern tootin’.
-Out of the Wilderness