Tampa Bay, FL — Due to looser regulations on COVID-19, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have been allowing 15% capacity in their stadium, much to the delight of lifelong Bucs fan Jason Treger. “This year has been a tough one. I lost my job. I might have to sell my house. All I wanted was to score a ticket to see my Bucs play and maybe watch Tom Brady throw a couple touchdowns.”
Part of Jason’s wish came true; he was one of a handful of lucky fans to get a ticket for a recent game. However, that’s where his luck ran out. Though there were plenty of empty seats around the stadium, his seat was squarely behind two of the largest cardboard cutouts ever manufactured.
Jason provided OTW News with a photo he took during the game. He said if you look closely you can see Tom Brady but we inspected the picture and cannot confirm this. Jason left the game feeling empty and disheartened. The only solace Jason has in this world is that he’s not a Jets fan.
New York, NY — Progressive liberals have run out of things to cancel so they have turned their aim towards late night comedy. A grassroots effort is picking up steam in an attempt to force NBC to drop The Tonight Show starring the beloved Jimmy Fallon. Granted, they aren’t asking to cancel the show. In fact, many liberals applaud Jimmy’s opening monologue that consistently delivers Donald Trump jokes at a rate of 10 to 1 versus any other topic.
Where the sensitive liberals take issue is with the name of the show. The official petition reads: “…calling it ‘The Tonight Show’ is in itself exclusionary, biased, and not what RBG would have wanted.” Apparently they’re suggesting the show is narrow-mindedly excluding “morning” and “afternoon,” and this omission is a slap in the face to equality nationwide.
A statement released by NBC stated in part: “Here at NBC, we no longer believe using ‘Tonight’ in the name show was inclusive enough. Who are we to assume the show couldn’t be watched in the morning, or early afternoon, or at dusk?”
NBC executives have opted to drop “Tonight” from the title, now to be called “The Show with Jimmy Fallon.” Even with this landmark win, some progressives are still upset the show will include the host’s name, claiming it infringes on the rights of everyone not named Jimmy Fallon. A few signs held up by protesters outside 30 Rock had the message: “Not My Host!” and at one point a comrade ripped a picture of Jimmy Fallon’s face in half.
Atlanta, GA — The Center for Disease Control conducted a COVID-19 study earlier this month, the results of which have become the foundation of a list of new guidelines published today. One of the recommendations is garnering praise from politicians and government officials who feel as if Americans do not have enough rules to follow as it is. “I’ve been busy shutting things down all over my county from funerals and weddings to Thanksgiving and Christmas parades,” said Mayor of Nashville, John Cooper.
The study showed that many people constantly touch the outside of their mask whether it’s to adjust for comfort or to get a breath of fresh air. “This habit significantly reduces the effectiveness of the mask,” says CDC staff member Mark Teague. “Based on our research, we are advising everyone heading out the door to grab another mask because if wearing one mask saves lives, then wearing two masks will save even more lives.”
According to the official explanation, using a second mask on top of the first mask means the first mask will be touched less often. When asked by reporters about the threat of the second mask being touched regularly and thus still spreading the virus, CDC ended the press conference.
Power-hungry governors and mayors seem to be chomping at the bit to implement this as a mandate in their respective cities and states. Gavin Newsom, Governor of California stated, “I was coming up empty on more ways to deflate the morale of Californians, but I’m thankful that now I’ll have another way to give people something to frown about.”
Oakland, CA — While the Democrat nominee for President has been having small gatherings with cardboard cutouts, the nominee for Vice President made a splash on social media, campaigning across the country in a sporty pair of black and white Converse All Stars. Commonly known as Chuck Taylors, or Chucks, the shoes worn by the VP nominee were chosen very much on purpose.
“These shoes are easy to find at a good price, and I want that for our followers– excuse me, for all Americans,” said the Democrat from California, following up by encouraging Democrats to pick up a pair to wear on election day, November 3rd.
“Matching outfits is important to demonstrate unity,” an official post on Twitter explains. “We are in this together as our party is propelled to victory like a comet shooting through the sky.” The potential Vice President also shared that November 3rd will be the day Democrats evolve to a level above Republicans.
A published list of required supplies for any Democrats hosting a watch party on election day are as follows:
low top black and white Converse.
applesauce or pudding.
beds for everyone to lay on at the same time.
Converse was made aware of the peculiar event and released a statement: “This has nothing to do with Converse.” They are hoping to curb any association with the Democrat plans, citing negative publicity may result in the shoe company having to retire this particular model for decades.
Richfield, MN — Geek Squad, a subsidiary of Best Buy, has raised the bar on computer repair service confidentiality. Targeted towards cheating spouses, disgruntled employees, and former Presidential nominees, the tech company recently unveiled a new high-profile privacy service in cases where data or equipment containing sensitive material might compromise the integrity of a relationship, whether it be with a spouse, a boss, or an entire nation of voters.
Their website offers an example of when this service might benefit the customer: In a completely hypothetical situation where a laptop of a prominent figure is dropped off for repair, this new 5-point level of security would include:
“Accidentally” forgetting to ask for signature of customer dropping item(s) off
Not releasing any emails/photos/documents that could damage the image of anyone, anywhere, at any time
Removing TikTok from all government devices, upon request
Bleaching hard drives, upon request
In the event a laptop or computer is under investigation, tech agents will clumsily knock over a cup of coffee onto the keyboard, making sure it gets in between all the keys
Geek Squad’s slogan for this service piggybacks on a well-known catchphrase from the late 1990s.