10 Days of Top 10 Posts: #9

The 9th ranked post on Out of the Wilderness has so much information, you may think it came straight from a 1993 Encyclopedia Britannica! You know the ones your parents had on the shelf beside the TV? You probably used them for history assignments in junior high. Or to prop up a crooked table. Well, I give you permission to use this post if you’re ever in need of some useless reality TV information. More specifically, The Bachelor! That’s right, I said it. The Bachelor. Arguably the most successful reality TV show since WWF wrestling.

#9: Las Vegas, Jimmie Johnson, The Bachelor, Carrot Top, And More!

More about the post: This post is a recap of “The Bachelor Brad Womack: The Women Tell All,” but the real reason it’s ranked #9 is for the pictures. I had no idea so many people were interested in Carrot Top’s pictures pre- and post-steroids. But alas, many search terms that bring people to Out of the Wilderness include “Carrot Top.” Other pictures include Jimmie Johnson’s #48 car as he drove by, Chuck Norris, and Kip from Napoleon Dynamite… those 3 combine for the triple threat of manliness, am I right?

carrot top

The Bachelorette Emily Maynard Episode 1

I have come so close to boycotting the show. Well, by “boycotting,” I mean sending in an application but let’s move on. I’m in a fantasy league at work, and that makes watching the show completely bearable. Do I care which guy wins? No. Am I concerned if the relationship will last? No. Do I want to win the 2012 Fantasy Bachelorette League? Heck yes. The Bachelorette this go round is Emily Maynard. She was a likable contestant on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor. She lost (or won depending on how you look at it) when Brad chose her to be his wife, which obviously never happened. We were all cheering for her to win. Is that like cheering for someone to get selected for the Hunger Games? “Yay! Go get’em!! Oh, wait, what happens to them out there? Oh. Hmm.”

To reach that shore you have to leave this one.

I applaud Emily for setting sail once again with the hope of finding true love. She seems to be a genuinely cool person. But what a dumb show. Will any of the 25 guys show signs they’re interested? Here are a few that should be obvious to Emily…

If you wanna keep up with the Fantasy League this season, 1.) Subscribe to this blog site and 2.) you must be super bored!

The Bachelorette Episode 3: Ashley and the Compost Pile

Welcome to another fantastic recap of The Bachelorette featuring Ashley and her wrist tattoo (click here for pictures)! Please file Episode 3 in drawer labeled “How To Make A Compost Pile” because it started breaking down as soon as Chris uttered the words, “Tonight on the Bachelorette.”

Grass clippings

What does a good compost pile need? Green debris, duh! Let’s brush off the green grass from Ben C.’s shoes after his date with Ashley. He got the first date of the episode and it began with dance lessons from Ashley herself. Ben C. thought lessons were the long and short of it until, as they were enjoying a picnic in a large grassy field, Ashley asked him to dance a rehearsed routine with her. Soon after, a flash mob joined them and they all danced happily ever after. Actually ever after was cut short by a short performance from the Far East Movement but Ashley and BC did kiss happily. So we have our green debris, next we need some brown debris. It won’t be from Jeff. He finally took his mask off to which Ashley said, “He’s a lot older than I thought he was.” We need brown, not gray. Let’s check the group date which included Ames, Ben F., Blake, Chris D, Jeff, Lucas, Nick Ryan, William and Bentley. They went to The Comedy Store, a well-known comedy club in Los Angeles. Jeffrey Ross is a master roaster, so he hosted an evening where the guys attempted to roast Ashley. Most of the content was fine, that is until William turned the heat up too high, leaving Ashley burned like yesterday morning’s toast, black and crunchy. That won’t work. Bentley later consoled her as she cried, so he was as refreshing as the brown leaves in the Fall, perfect for our compost. Unfortunately, Bentley continued to pile on the brown debris, but of a different kind. Ashley confronted him about his intentions because she was warned by the ultra-trustworthy Michelle Money from Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor.


He denied everything Ashley asked about. Don’t you know too much brown is a no-no, Bentley? He decides to leave the show altogether but not before stopping by Ashley’s mansion to say goodbye. Ashley is devastated. He blames his daughter for his departure, more [cuss word that starts with s] piling on all of his other [cuss word that starts with s]. We really gotta balance out all this brown with more green. Enter J.P. He arrives at Ashley’s mansion for a cozy night in, thus conserving gas consumption and protecting the atmosphere. That’s green enough for me. The compost pile is ready. Ashley and J.P. change into pajamas and chat by the fire. This is the cutest Ashley’s looked all season, I just wish the Bachelorette was her sister, Chrystie Hebert-Corns. Boom, roasted. Let this mixed debris sit for a few months and that’s how to make a compost pile.

The interesting thing about compost piles is that they start as a pile of waste, but end up making the world’s best soil. This episode was full of waste, but in the end Ashley will be better because of it. The episode wrapped up with roses going to (Ben C., Ryan P., J.P. got roses earlier) Constantine, West, Mickey, Ben F., Blake, Nick, Ames, Lucas and William. Sent home was Bentley (earlier), Chris D., Jeff (who threw his mask into the fire on his way out).

Quote of the episode:
“Dude, there’s a trailer for sale. It’s a thousand bucks, it’s missing the hitch, though.” -Jeff, The Bachelorette

The Bachelorette in 500 Words or Less: Episode 1 Ashley Meets the Guys

Welcome back to the 21st century version of Love Connection!

This season of the Bachelorette features Ashley Hebert (pronounced ‘a bear’) who’s determined to do things right this time around. Ashley finished third on Brad Womack’s season of The Bachelor. She blamed herself for coming up short, but vows that now she will leave with no regrets as she chooses between 25 guys. Episode 1 begins just like the other seasons did, with a little of Ashley’s history… an obvious plug for the benefits of recycling.

Let’s get right to the guys. Ryan P. emerges as a standout even though he made a Taylor Swift heart with his hands. Another early favorite is J.P., who says things like June One instead of June First. Jon comes out of the limousine wearing a pink tie then proceeds to pick Ashley up like a sack of potatoes. He was more successful than Mickey who attempted to give Ashley a gift on behalf of all the men in America, a kiss on the lips. Ashley avoided it, and Mickey went inside. To the average viewer, this may seem like an unrecoverable error for Mickey. However, I’ve observed behavior like this at the dog park. Male dogs will hump anything. Female dogs will just growl and let them keep trying. So Mickey will probably stick around till Ashley has to go home and realizes she doesn’t want to go home pregnant by a dog she met at a public park. Ben C. is a self-proclaimed romantic and Ashley seems to be smitten by him. Ben F. is a winemaker from California. This season’s villain is Bentley who is or isn’t bad news for Ashley, depending on who you ask. She was hoping he would have only one front tooth so her decision would be easy but it turns out he’s not from Kentucky. Tim, who admitted he was nervous around her, ends up drunker than a 21-year old doing the Tennessee Waltz at Florida State.

A couple of other standouts are West, who’s ready for love after dealing with the death of his wife, William who seems to be a pretty good match, Sir Gaga who vows to wear a mask till Ashley knows the real him, and Matt with his phone call to Mom while chatting with Ashley. Letting her talk to Mom is a clear sign he’s into her. If she doesn’t understand that, she should read this: 10 Signs He’s Into You.

Does anyone know why Chris Harrison often mentions that Ashley is meeting 25 of the most eligible bachelors? How can one bachelor be more eligible than another? Anyway, there are 6 guys who are even more eligible now. Tim, Anthony, Rob, Jon, Frank, Michael and Chris M. were sent home with no rose.

The first impression rose went to Ryan P. Then roses went to Sir Gaga (Jeff), Constantine, Ben F., Lucas, Stephen, Matt, Nick, Chris D., Ryan M., Blake, Mickey, Ben C., West, William, J.P., Ames and Bentley.

Check back next week for a another recap of The Bachelorette. See ya in two and two!

Chuck Woolery, host of The Love Connection

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 11: Final Rose and the Bachelorette Revealed.

First, thank you so much for reading my recaps. Whether you’ve read since Episode 1 or you randomly came across this to find out who won (Emily) and who’s the next Bachelorette (Ashley H., as revealed on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE), I’m sincerely thankful you chose to click here. Don’t be shy in coming back around. I have posts about everything from The Bachelor recaps to owning a dog to traveling across the country. So, thank you.

If you missed Monday’s season finale, I bet you’ve already discovered who won and who was sent home without a rose. The lovely and classy Emily was the last contestant standing when it was all said and done. I’d like to wish Brad and Emily heartfelt congratulations and hope they beat the odds by staying together, getting married, and actually living happily ever after. They are no different than us because we all deserve more than one chance at finding the person that makes us feel most alive. Whether you are single or not, I do not know, so if you are, don’t give up on chasing someone out of your league. Don’t settle. If finding true love is one of the best decisions a person can make, settling for “good” is one of the worst because it’s not your potential. Don’t settle for what you know you can get. That’s crap. Believe that there’s someone out there better than the dream. Hope for a miracle. Stay positive in the pursuit even when you’re home alone Friday nights. There’s absolutely no reason, not age, not location, not history, not doubt, not mistakes made, no reason to think you’ve missed your chance. The best advice I’ve heard is this…

Don’t worry about finding the right person, be the right person to find.

Genius. So those of you who aren’t married yet, don’t give up. I won’t either. But in the meantime, be good. I should say something to married people, too: I hope you’re with your favorite person in the world and please, please beat the odds. I know this wasn’t really a recap, so click here for a professional and awesome blog about Episode 11.

Las Vegas, Jimmie Johnson, The Bachelor, Carrot Top, And More!

“The Bachelor Brad Womack: Women Tell All” episode has more drama than a Las Vegas casino. But a lot less alcohol. I was in Las Vegas recently and went to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. If you remember from the group date in episode 5, this race track is where Brad found out about Emily’s past relationship with Nascar driver Ricky Hendrick. At the track, I didn’t notice any lingering effects from the episode. I only noticed fast cars, cool drivers like Jimmie Johnson, and plenty of Kentucky waterfalls. Click here for 10 signs your date was a contestant on the Bachelor.

Jimmie Johnson in the #48 car in Las Vegas.

“The Women Tell All” is a unique episode in that it’s the first time the girls are “in real life” and can talk about the first 9 episodes of the Bachelor… because they’ve been watching each week just like you and me. But before the show gets started, Chris sets up how things are going to shake out in the next two hours. He starts by tossing to an interview he conducted with Brad. Brad talks about the more notably events of the season including Chantal O.’s slap, Ashley H.’s carnival date, Madison’s fangs, and Shawntel’s funeral directing skills.

Brad about Shawntel asking him to lay on a death bed: “It’s a little awkward. It really was.”

Chris Harrison reveals there will be season 2 of “Bachelor Pad” which includes a cast that throws the craziest parties ever. Then we watch a Bachelor reunion party with lots of familiar faces. Ali and Roberto are there. The tattoo guy Kasey is back and still looking for love. Why hasn’t Kasey found anyone to guard and protect his heart? You mean to tell me his heart has been exposed this whole time? Darn. Maybe Roberto and Ali can help fix it, or just show up to be the example of how winners, win. Winning! Duh! What doesn’t mesh together in my head are the comments from past contestants saying they are all like a big Bachelor family and the some highlights we see of them kissing in the pool or in the mansion. Just call it what it is, “The Bachelor: Sodom and Gomorrah” or “The Bachelor: Kiss and Tell” or “The Bachelor: Kentucky.”

Coming back from a commercial, we are reintroduced to Sarah P., Lisa M., Melissa, Alli, Britt, Marissa, Raichel, Meghan, Stacey, Ashley S., Jackie, Ashley H., Michelle, Madison, and Shawntel N. Over half these girls give some kind of butterfly double hand wave. Weird. The girls reflect on the first night, getting out of the limo and meeting Brad for the first time. Cut to highlights, strictly limited to the backstabbing comments the girls made throughout the season. Back in the “live” studio, Stacey confronts Michelle. Other girls chime in, too. Jackie drops the bomb by telling Michelle she’s not funny. Whoa, Jackie, back off. You can accuse her as a mother, tell her she’s two-faced, even admit you gave her the black eye, but how dare you reject her inner Carrot Top.

Carrot Top before and after steroids.

Also check out: Deal Breakers in a Dating Relationship

Melissa takes the hot seat next to Chris Harrison. They discuss her feud with Raichel. Raichel wins the award for alliteration… friends, frantic, frazzled, freaking everyone out. Jackie pleases the audience by calling Raichel out for blaming Melissa. Ashley S. trumps Jackie with a comment about what kind of behavior guys like and don’t like. The crowd grows tired of clapping. But never tired of these verbal slaps.

Michelle is next to take the hot seat. Chris Harrison gives her a hug. She says she’s suffering from the ugly cry today. She’s unsure what the pretty cry is, though. Michelle fights tears through the interview as the scowling Jackie watches along. The gaggle of girls on stage share their opinions of Michelle, who’s still crying. Michelle explains her sense of humor, and how she’s so misunderstood. Chris Harrison calls her sarcasm a self-defense mechanism. Reminds of Kip learning self-defense in the hilarious movie: Napoleon Dynamite.

Kip trying Rex Kwon Do self-defense.

Stacey attacks Michelle then goes in for the kill. Chris Harrison whips out his man card and tells the girls to shut it so Michelle can regroup and finish the hot seat interview. Are you serious Chris? He just said the hot seat Michelle is sitting on is the hottest seat ever. Is anyone else growing tired of Chris Harrison exclaiming that this next whatever is the most whatever ever? Who does he think we are? Growing up I was told that if you have to keep telling people something is a certain way, it probably isn’t that way. It’s like a joke you have to keep explaining. It’s probably just not funny so it’s not a joke.

Here’s how to be funny.

Jackie, Stacey and Sarah P. are hounding Michelle, but hey girls, jealousy is much less attractive than you think Michelle is. Bam! You just got consulted. Britt tells it like it is, says Michelle is funny, no one should’ve thought she was really the kind of person she acted to be. After all is said and done with Michelle on the hottest seat ever, she comes off rather normal, don’t you agree? Well, normal for an actress trying to get her name out there. She knew, like we did, that Brichelle just won’t work. It sounds like Michelle but with nasty chest congestion. Brantal or Bremily for the victory.

Ashley S. takes the hot seat next. Is she wearing a silly band? That’s silly.

Ashley S. about Brad saying she wasn’t wife material: “That was such a dagger to my heart. I can’t tell you how bad that comment almost hurt.”

I’m confused. So you’re not telling us what again? I’m going to find out from Chuck Norris if daggers to the heart hurt. Or better yet, I’ll check with his enemies if they hurt or almost hurt.

Chuck Norris.

A tanning bed and a hair makeover later, Ashley H. is next on the hot seat. Let’s see how many words she adds the letter ‘a’ to… secand, upsat, axit, laft, defanse, knaw, yas, mysalf. Ok, that was almost bearable.

Now the man we’ve all been waiting for, Brad takes the stage with Chris Harrison. He wonders who that girl is over there. Haha, I just made you say overwear. Wait… that doesn’t work. Darn. Anyway, the new girl is the new Ashley H. complete with brunette hair, ruby red lips, white teeth and no more “mom hair.”

Brad talks about his relationship with Ashley S., Michelle, and Ashley H. Has Shawntel said a word yet? It’s time for her to say something. She’s the best one there. I wonder if Brad will talk to her. Nope, Chris Harrison tosses to clips of he and Brad at a school in Africa. They donated some kind of solar generator that gives the kids hot water. Amazing. Chris said it right, “A kid is a kid is a kid no matter where you go in the world.”

Brad talks about his relationship with Chantal and Emily. He’s the happiest he’s ever been with those two girls. He won’t say who he proposes to, but he says, “She’s changed my life.” He’s in love and falls more every day. A nice setup for next week’s season finale. Check back here next week for a riveting review of a rose and a rejection. See, I can do alliterations, too. Bam! Winning! Duh!