The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 11: Final Rose and the Bachelorette Revealed.

First, thank you so much for reading my recaps. Whether you’ve read since Episode 1 or you randomly came across this to find out who won (Emily) and who’s the next Bachelorette (Ashley H., as revealed on Jimmy Kimmel LIVE), I’m sincerely thankful you chose to click here. Don’t be shy in coming back around. I have posts about everything from The Bachelor recaps to owning a dog to traveling across the country. So, thank you.

If you missed Monday’s season finale, I bet you’ve already discovered who won and who was sent home without a rose. The lovely and classy Emily was the last contestant standing when it was all said and done. I’d like to wish Brad and Emily heartfelt congratulations and hope they beat the odds by staying together, getting married, and actually living happily ever after. They are no different than us because we all deserve more than one chance at finding the person that makes us feel most alive. Whether you are single or not, I do not know, so if you are, don’t give up on chasing someone out of your league. Don’t settle. If finding true love is one of the best decisions a person can make, settling for “good” is one of the worst because it’s not your potential. Don’t settle for what you know you can get. That’s crap. Believe that there’s someone out there better than the dream. Hope for a miracle. Stay positive in the pursuit even when you’re home alone Friday nights. There’s absolutely no reason, not age, not location, not history, not doubt, not mistakes made, no reason to think you’ve missed your chance. The best advice I’ve heard is this…

Don’t worry about finding the right person, be the right person to find.

Genius. So those of you who aren’t married yet, don’t give up. I won’t either. But in the meantime, be good. I should say something to married people, too: I hope you’re with your favorite person in the world and please, please beat the odds. I know this wasn’t really a recap, so click here for a professional and awesome blog about Episode 11.

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 9: The Lion Sleeps Tonight

The show opens with Brad packing his bags to leave New York City and fly to South Africa. In the voiceover Brad tells us that he’s feeling lots of emotions, listing two. Hey, he’s a guy, give him a break. Balancing one emotion with another is more difficult than watching two football games on TV at the same time. Brad admits to having trust issues and making mistakes last time he was on The Bachelor. He flies to South Africa, alone. During the flight we see highlights of his relationship with Chantal… can it last? Highlights of his relationship with Ashley… it’s had some speed bumps. Highlights of his relationship with Emily… nervous about joining Emily’s family.

Brad lands in South Africa. There’s a montage of wild animals with the soothing sounds of The Lion King soundtrack. Somewhere Timon and Poomba are hacked when they find out The Bachelor is using Simba’s music. Royalties, man, royalties! We see a lot of elephants. The producers must’ve got my postcard with shot selections for South Africa. I love elephants. Then they cut to a momma monkey licking her feet and a baby monkey approaching the camera. Reminds me of Congo. Amy hungry. Amy angry. Amy roar and throw your camera. Just show the elephants again. Rhinos. Dirt roads. Then bam! More elephants. Elephants are good for ratings. Baby monkeys must be, too, because they show that baby monkey again.

The first date is with Chantal on a safari ride. They hug. They hug and have big hats. Touring around the land they see wild animals. Brad’s favorite- the lion. Giraffes stare at them. More elephants. I’m gonna have to send a thank-you card. It’ll say, “Thank you The Bachelor producers who got my post card and took my suggestions to show lots of elephants. Signed, An Ele-fant in Nashville.”

Brantal descend to a river guided by a gun-wielding man. I’m hoping this guy is part of the tour. They eat lunch while a couple of hippos watch. Apparently there’s bull in Africa because Chantal talks about how the safari is a metaphor for her and Brad’s relationship. That’s bull crap! But I never saw the bull. They toast to perfect beginnings and even better endings.

Brad goes on and on about what he likes about Chantal, and she returns the admiration. They talk about what “engagement” means, and if the rumors are true, Chantal can explain what it doesn’t mean. At this point though, Brad thinks she’s an incredible woman and Brantal make their way to the fantasy suite. What part of fantasy suite includes a tree house in the middle of the African safari? Who’s fantasy is this exactly?The sun sets. Brantal share in pillow talk in the bait trap tree house.

The next morning Brad tells us that he has missed Emily. He’s waiting for her to appear from around some trees, and of course, she does. Brad tells her he forgot something and runs back to get it. Emily becomes concerned that she’s standing alone like a defenseless gazelle. Brad and friend come riding in on an elephant. I’m gonna need to send more than a card. Elephants are all over this episode, and I think we can all agree, the real hero is the elephant. Am I right? Emily climbs up and they go elephanting through the forest. Is that a thing? “Hey bro, me and Emily went elephanting.” Yeah?

Emily compares the experience to the Lion King, except it’s better. She noted that Ricki would love this. Brad tells Emily he’s missed her and missed her daughter. They discuss the husband/father role and ask if Brad’s ready. He says he is. Brad’s thought about Ricki a lot. Brad is over-the-top committed to Emily and her daughter, so he says. They kiss. Her shorts seem even shorter at this point. Dinner time. Brad assists Emily in her seating, then reaches for the wine and says, “I need it.” Ouch. When’s the last time that ever meant something good at the beginning of a dinner date? There’s a baby elephant on a nearby lamp table being awfully still. It may be a statue. Emily comes clean about how she’s feeling. She’s all in and is eager to find out all that is Brad Womack. Brad’s nervous about offering her the fantasy suite but finally pops the question. Emily, being the good mom, talks about being a role model for her daughter, which evidently is enough to count as a good role model. She accepts after using the phrase “just talk.” When’s the last time that ever meant something good at the end of a dinner date?

They enter the fantasy suite to find food native to South Africa, cheesecake. Emily shares more from her heart, even confessing that she’s falling in love with Brad. Brad scratches his face, looks around, then says he’s falling in love with her, too. Bremily gaining momentum. This fantasy suite has turned into a fantastic suite! Hiyo!

The next date is with Ashley H. I’m not totally sure she didn’t have to check where in Africa was South Africa, but she arrives and Brad hugs her. They start the day by walking hand in hand down a dirt road, through some trees to discover a helicopter. It looks like a father walking his daughter to the park. She is scared to ride in the helicopter. Cue the Rocky music as Miss H. overcomes her fears. Ashley’s just like my puppy. She was afraid to jump off the step into the backyard, but she didn’t need Rocky music to get her to do it. Similarities between Ashley H. and Piper the puppy: Freak out about everything, curious, always needing entertainment, endless energy, pout when they don’t get their way——- Ok I’ll admit it, Ashley gives me a headache but Brad may like her so I’ll try to be fair.

Brashley flies over the African landscape. Rivers, trees, cliffs…

Ashley: “It’s like we were on top of the warld.”

World doesn’t have an ‘a’ but I’m not judging. They land and trek to a place called “God’s window.” Ashley asks if this is real life? Was she referring the kid who asked that same exact question after a dentist visit? That’s a funny video, if you haven’t seen it.

They set up a picnic and drink the juice. They talk about Ashley’s family. Brad talks about watching football with her dad at Thanksgiving. Then Brad asks where she wants to live. She had her heart set on a place that’s warm. She mentioned South… Maine. Yeah, that’s what Brad wanted to hear. Sure. They talk about her faults and her “need to achieve.” Brad says she reminds him of himself in his twenties. Working but having some regrets, missing out on some things. Brad says 10 years ago he was in the same place she is now. In other words, “10 years ago I would’ve given you a rose. But not tonight, Spazzy McEnergy.” They stand on God’s window sill and stare into the future. Ashley sees Brad, Brad sees the sky.

Show breaks to announce the cast of Dancing With the Stars. Perfect timing because I need a snack aaaand returning to the tv, oh they’re still announcing… I need milk for my cheerios. Alright back the program. The sun has set on the African plains. That means a Brashley dinner date. He eats meat and she eats puppy food—— I’m sorry! I just don’t like her. She and my puppy have so much in common. Except that my puppy doesn’t annoy me when she talks.

Ashley quits eating so she can talk. She communicates what she wants Brad to believe. I’ve been in a relationship and tried to make it work when it wasn’t working. That’s what’s happening between Brad and Ashley. She talks about unbreakable chemistry, compromise and living location. Brad confronts her about not mentioning Austin. Sounds like Brad has a case of the needs-to-get-over-it’s. Texas people, there are 49 other states and at least three that are better than you. Fourth is shameful, Texas people.

It’s becoming clear Brashley won’t be a “thing” as soon as Ashley begins to shut down and nit pick. Brad gets frustrated and defensive. Ashley, take advice from my beagle: calm down and eat your food. It’s all gonna be ok. We are witnessing the 28th breakup of the show. As the date goes on, Brad is losing his train of thought and getting a tan from Ashley’s meltdown. The fantasy suite. One last hoorah for Brad and the last chance for puppy to be adopted.

In the fantasy suite, they kiss. Then silence. They talk about the mosquito nets. In humanitarian circles, this talk is so sexy. However, the USS Brashley has sunk. Ashley has little hope at this point.

Brad sits down with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony. Brad says this time around is no comparison to the last season he was The Bachelor. So the therapy paid off! Sweet relief, I was waiting to exhale. Brad gives a quick recap of the three dates…
Brantal had chemistry since day one. He feels like himself with her.
Brad says he feels like he has known Emily for a decade, if not longer.
The date with Ashley was rough.

Brad is about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think Zimbabwe is a new birth control pill. Brad’s about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think Cape Town is where Batman’s from. Brad’s about to leave a girl in Africa so fast she’ll think she’s being punk’d. Ok, I’m done.

Brad pulls Ashley aside just before roses are given out. They chat about stuff… the calm before the storm. The dark before the dawn. The puppy before the love——I’m sorry, I just don’t like her. Ok, I’m done. Crap, Ashley! Don’t cry. Ah, what the H, my bachelor fantasy season is ruined! Go ahead and let the Nile River flow. Kibbles is sent home with no bits before the rose ceremony even happens.

Brad leans over a railing and contemplates the decision he made. He must’ve forgot the other two girls were still waiting at the rose ceremony. Wait a second, who’s fantasy is this?

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 8: Brad looks like Chantal’s dad, dresses like Ashley’s dad, and might be Emily’s daughter’s dad.

Some take pills, some just wait it out, but what better medicine for a sinus infection than a brand new episode of The Bachelor? Right, that’s why I went to the doctor today. The big surprise is that Brad emailed this poem to me after the show aired on Monday night. I guess the hometown dates really touched him, so what better way to recap episode 8 than just copy and paste?

There are four girls left who are here for the right reason.
Me. I’m Brad Womack, The Bachelor on this 15th season.
It’s time to meet their folks, so I’m hopping on a plane.
Four girls, and their parents, this is gonna be insane.

First I’m going to Washington to hang with Chantal O.
I’m excited to meet her parents and her bro.
Chantal said she’s in love with me, but often mentions her ex.
He’s probably a d-bag, with small pecs.
So here I am in Washington state,
hoping for a spectacular hometown date.
Chantal has a dog, a tiny poof ball named Boca.
We hung out on the couch and drank Corona.

I met Chantal’s dad and he seems cool.
Did he and I graduate the same year of high school?

Her parents are rich. I could tell by the 15 foot high front doors,
Chantal talked about her ex some more.

We sat down for a home-cooked meal.
This is all getting frighteningly real.

A statue, a purple shirt, and a few hours later,
I still can’t decide if I want to just date her.

You are Ashley H.
I’m flying to Maine for our hometown date.

You greeted me near in a field, it was good to see you again.
But if you say “disconnected” one more time, I’m going to let you in…
on a secret only I know.
I won’t propose.
You add ‘a’ to everything you say.
Perfect has two e’s, same with the word ‘level.”
it’s not perfact, or leval, your heart will be broken among the several.
Oh, and ‘several’ actually does have an ‘a’.

Can I be honest here? I like your family when I visited them with you.
I still remember your sisters chest tattoo.
Is she still single?
I want to mingle.
Give her a Pringle.
And sing her a jingle.

After chatting with your dad and grabbing some dinner
it’s clear they want you to be the winner.
But I never asked for your family’s blessing.
My love for you with the final rose, no, I won’t be professing.

My next trip was to California.
The girl who lives here has a strange job, let me warn ya.
She’s a funeral director,
sort of a dead body inspector,
and a preservation-liquid injector.

I don’t think she can leave her hometown.
Which has got me feeling down.

Her dad looks like Charlie Chase,
you know, Charlie Chase!

At dinner we talked a lot about death,
and earlier Shawntel showed where my cremated body will rest.

I like Shawntel, but not sure if this will work.
But if I dump her now, I’ll seem like a jerk.
I know, I’ll wait till the rose ceremony and give roses to everyone but her.
That’s the plan.
I’m the man.

The last date was with Emily the dream.
I got to meet her daughter, Ricki and we had a picnic theme.
I brought her a kite,
thinking she’d like.
Emily and I’s date centered around us three.
Emily, Ricki, and me.
After her daughter went to bed, I sat with Emily on the couch.
Then I said something that made Emily pout.

I told her I wouldn’t kiss her out of respect.
But then later she kissed me and touched my pecs.

All in all, I had 4 good dates.
Each had a family in which I could relate.
Except for Shawntel, who I sent on her way.
She didn’t get a rose and that’s for the best.
The whole embalming and funeral director thing was a failing test.

Plus I don’t want to live in Chico.

I’m grateful for the time we’ve had.
Next week we’re going to South Africa,
I’m Brad.

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 6: To The Bat Cave!

Brad + Eight girls + Costa Rica = Yep, thousands of lonely girls and their television on a Monday night. Who am I kidding!? Married women watch this, too, and that means married men watch. Yes, I’m talk about you Jonathan. You know it’s not just your wife watching. You’re winning the Nashville Fantasy League and since I’m the Commissioner of said Fantasy League, and I write this blog, I can call you out on national internet. You just got a genuine Brad Womack “WoSmack”!

The show begins. Brad first lead the girls to their Costa Rican villa, then gave them the first date card. The clue was, “Close your eyes, hold on tight. Love is in the air tonight,” and it went to Chantal O. This marked her second one-on-one date of the season. They take a helicopter ride up to an overlook where they eventually zip line over the rain forest. A zip line is where you’re harnessed in to a long wire and coast in a downward motion to certain death. In order for it to work properly, you need to launch from a higher spot than where you want to end up, thus allowing gravity to WoSmack you down to the grave. What am I talking about? It’s totally safe, that’s why Brad and Chantal zip lined over and over, they even spoonzipped. Awesome! It’s like spooning on the couch… except on a zip line. It’s probably called “spipped” or “zippooned” or something. Either way, they spipped a couple of more times down “the longest zip line in the world.” Ok, thanks. I don’t believe that. And I don’t believe this is “the most controversial season ever.” Next, they had a picnic dinner by a river and it rained again so they moved to Brad’s bachelor pad. She pretty much is in love with him at this point, and he’s sweet on her, too, so he offered her a rose. The group date went to Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley H., Shawntel and Britt. They did some repelling, which pissed off Michelle because she thought repelling was just for her and Brad. They all did well repelling. Or did they?

“Jackie might have soiled herself.” -Britt about Jackie repelling.

They all warmed up in the hot springs. Brad got some alone time with Jackie and Emily. Guess which one made it awkward and guess which one was cute? Michelle also got some time with Brad and admitted she was upset Chantal got a rose earlier in the episode. Guess which one was manipulative and which one finally grew some Costa Rican cohones?

“Meet me at the altar,” the next date card clue for Alli. She and Brad rode burros through a field and ended up near a bat cave. OK, they’re probably horses, but I like saying burros out loud. Brad said the cave was 40 million years old, much like we’re going to be when this date ends. And why does she get the cave date after Shawntel got a shopping spree? Call it a WoSmack to the face, but unless there’s a Batmobile about to take them to Makeout Bluff overlooking the downtown lights of Gotham City, this date was forgettable. “Holy charity date, Batman!” Brad and Alli had dinner out by the hot springs.

“We’re sinking.” -Alli on date with Brad. Like the Titanic, Alli, like the Titanic.

Of course Michelle had to do something scary, so she showed up at Brad’s house. Yeah, it worked out for the wrestler last season, so sure, go for it. That’s the story you want to tell your kids one day. “Hey Mikey, let me tell you how I met your father. There was this show…” meanwhile Brad’s thinking, “KKKK MMMM NNNN!!!” (reference to The Big Bang Theory). Before the rose ceremony Brad confronted Michelle about her behavior, Shawntel played the quiet game with Brad, kissed him, and then lost the quiet game. Ashley H. practiced adding the letter ‘a’ to words it doesn’t belong in, ie. “perfact.” Chantal O. told Brad she’s in love with him, the first girl to do this and on a completely related note, she’s also the girl with the most points in the Nashville/ Oklahoma City Fantasy Leagues. Isn’t that just perfact?

Girls who got a rose: Chantal O., Ashley H., Emily, Britt, Shawntel N. and Michelle.

WoSmacked: Alli and Jackie.

P.S. Remember the Rockette Keltie Colleen? She plays the lead actress in this phenomenal music video and song by Christina Perri, check it out:

The Bachelor Brad Womack, Episode 4: You Better Accept the Damn Rose.

Bachelor Brad Womack episode 4. 01/24/2011.

I defy you to tell me Michelle isn’t more likable after this episode. Just a leeeeeeetle more likable. It’s ok to admit it. I admitted it to myself and a couple of guys who, by request will remain nameless, watched the show with me. Strange? Perhaps. Embarrassing? Maybe. But we don’t care. Every Monday we three men get together and watch The Bachelor. It’s fine. We’re fine. We’re straight. We’re confident. We’re fine. We weed out the girls Brad should and shouldn’t give a rose to, who we like the most, and sort of all know we’re secretly hoping Emily leaves without a rose so one of us have a chance with her. Nameless guy #1 thinks they’re setting her up to be next season’s Bachelorette. I have my doubts. So let’s move on to episode four…

The first one-on-one date was with Chantal O. They did a poor man’s version of scuba diving. They wore these helmet things that were connected to an oxygen source up in the boat they came from. Why she and Brad tried to have a glass-to-glass kiss is beyond me, but hey, who am I to assume it’s not possible? If Spiderman is allowed to kiss upside down, then Braddy Mack is allowed to try a glass kiss. Anyway, after the underwater walk, they move to phase two- a romantic date on the beach. They obviously open up here about their past and the conversation gets deep and dull (for us the viewers). Chantal finally apologized for slapping him when they first met, but come on, she’s not really sorry. Hitting is the most flirty way to say “I like you.” Brad said that this day felt like a normal day, one he’d have in real life and with no glass to separate them, they kiss. He offered her the first rose of the evening and she accepted it.

Next was the group date. They rattled off the names way too fast for me to write them all down, so let’s just say he took a bunch of girls that’ll be eliminated later this season. I suppose I could run the DVR back and check each name. Sigh. It’s decision time. Is it worth it to turn the tv back on, rewind it, oh and I have to get up to get the tv controller, my dog’ll get up assuming I want to play, she’ll bite my hand, I’ll have to scold her, then give her a treat for sitting and shaking, wash my hands, wonder where the controller went, oh man my dog took it, why is she hiding under the table, give me the controller Piper!, she thinks it’s a game, darn she chewed a button off, I demand her to “come here” (she’s been learning this), she doesn’t, I wait for her because I can’t let her win, she eventually answers the call with the controller in her mouth, I have to wipe it off, I accidently hit a random button that fires up “input #4” and I can’t figure out what is on the tv screen now, check the clock, what!! it’s already 10:45, I can’t watch the episode now, “Piper get in bed,” so I brush my teeth and climb in bed without even posting this post, soooo no, I’m not gonna look up their names.

On the group date, they all went to the radio studio where the live show “Loveline” airs. Dr. Drew and Mike ask Mack Braddy questions and then ask the girls questions. If you recall, Britt actually shined the most here, showing a vulnerable cute side that Brad fell for. Unfortunately, an early favorite got bit by the jealous monster. He’s been biting some of these girls lately, that rascal. Who was the victim? Ashley H. I don’t normally use course language, but let’s be honest, she was acting like an Ash-hole. During the radio show, Stacey opted to take the “I hope my honesty makes me look good even though what I’m being honest about makes me look worse than the Ash-hole over there” route, and it’ll come back to haunt her later when the no-rose monster pays her a visit.

What’s up with this season of girls looking way different without makeup on? I mean, Ashley S., yowzers. Can I get an “Amen!” Call me superficial but I know I’m not the only one who also noticed how much different Chantal O. looks with glasses on. The camera adds ten pounds, but where did the other 20 come from? Those glasses shall be removed from YOUR FACE if thee wishes to win Brad’s heart. Ding ding, I included a “YOUR FACE” joke. Nameless guy #3 who blogs about the bachelor will like that I did this joke.

Later at the group date dinner, Ashley S. steals Braddy away from Alli. Jackie steals Braddy away from Ashley S. The girls begin to grumble about Ashley H. Britt admits to Brad she has a crush on him. They kiss passionately. Then Monster Mashley showed up and Brad wondered what the heck she’s doing being so caddy. Evenso, Brad later joined the girls in the hot tub with a rose to give. He was going to give it to Ashley H. till she made another under-her-breath comment, and he gave the rose to Britt instead.

The second one-on-one date went to Michelle. Why do the girls dislike her so much? What has she done different than any of the other girls? I think it’s because she barks and threatens to bite, but check this out: how many times has she talked behind a girls back? How many times has she said one thing and done another? One or less for either of those questions. She’s pretty darn genuine even if it’s not the way the other girls prefer her to act. That’s what they don’t like about her, she’s not like them. She’s the anti-hero to Emily’s hero. And yet, they both have Brad’s full attention.

Towards the end of the episode, Shawntel got some alone time. Meghan also got some time with him, but they sat far apart on the couch. Nothing says “I want you” like distance. She’s like that guy in that movie that no one remembers, you know who I’m talking about… that one guy, he does the thing. Oh forget it, she won’t make it much longer.

Just before the rose ceremony, Brad took Emily out to the stony entrance of the mansion for a picnic. He, like us, is trying hard to find something wrong with her. Good luck with that. He’s totally comfortable, as shown just after he laid the picnic blanket down. When he stood back up, he did a little hop step. I’m telling you, he’s giddy. Ali Roberto giddy.

Finally, Chantal cried a little but was reassured when Brad reassured her to rest assured that she’s safe. They kissed. Got to admit, they have a good real-life connection. We’ll have to see how that plays out, but for this episode she got a rose, as did Chantal, Britt, Michelle (all three from the dates earlier), Ashley S., Alli, Emily, Shawntel N., Lisa, Jackie, Marissa and Ashley H. Sent home were Meghan, Stacey and Lindsay.

Quotes of the episode:
Braddy to Chantal O. on their date: You better accept the damn rose.

Braddy: I like you Britt.
Britt: Me, too.