Some take pills, some just wait it out, but what better medicine for a sinus infection than a brand new episode of The Bachelor? Right, that’s why I went to the doctor today. The big surprise is that Brad emailed this poem to me after the show aired on Monday night. I guess the hometown dates really touched him, so what better way to recap episode 8 than just copy and paste?
There are four girls left who are here for the right reason.
Me. I’m Brad Womack, The Bachelor on this 15th season.
It’s time to meet their folks, so I’m hopping on a plane.
Four girls, and their parents, this is gonna be insane.
First I’m going to Washington to hang with Chantal O.
I’m excited to meet her parents and her bro.
Chantal said she’s in love with me, but often mentions her ex.
He’s probably a d-bag, with small pecs.
So here I am in Washington state,
hoping for a spectacular hometown date.
Chantal has a dog, a tiny poof ball named Boca.
We hung out on the couch and drank Corona.
I met Chantal’s dad and he seems cool.
Did he and I graduate the same year of high school?
Her parents are rich. I could tell by the 15 foot high front doors,
Chantal talked about her ex some more.
We sat down for a home-cooked meal.
This is all getting frighteningly real.
A statue, a purple shirt, and a few hours later,
I still can’t decide if I want to just date her.
You greeted me near in a field, it was good to see you again.
But if you say “disconnected” one more time, I’m going to let you in…
on a secret only I know.
I won’t propose.
You add ‘a’ to everything you say.
Perfect has two e’s, same with the word ‘level.”
it’s not perfact, or leval, your heart will be broken among the several.
Oh, and ‘several’ actually does have an ‘a’.
Can I be honest here? I like your family when I visited them with you.
I still remember your sisters chest tattoo.
Is she still single?
I want to mingle.
Give her a Pringle.
And sing her a jingle.
After chatting with your dad and grabbing some dinner
it’s clear they want you to be the winner.
But I never asked for your family’s blessing.
My love for you with the final rose, no, I won’t be professing.
I don’t think she can leave her hometown.
Which has got me feeling down.
At dinner we talked a lot about death,
and earlier Shawntel showed where my cremated body will rest.
I like Shawntel, but not sure if this will work.
But if I dump her now, I’ll seem like a jerk.
I know, I’ll wait till the rose ceremony and give roses to everyone but her.
That’s the plan.
I’m the man.
The last date was with Emily the dream.
I got to meet her daughter, Ricki and we had a picnic theme.
I brought her a kite,
thinking she’d like.
Emily and I’s date centered around us three.
Emily, Ricki, and me.
After her daughter went to bed, I sat with Emily on the couch.
Then I said something that made Emily pout.
I told her I wouldn’t kiss her out of respect.
But then later she kissed me and touched my pecs.
All in all, I had 4 good dates.
Each had a family in which I could relate.
Except for Shawntel, who I sent on her way.
She didn’t get a rose and that’s for the best.
The whole embalming and funeral director thing was a failing test.
Plus I don’t want to live in Chico.