In the spirit of artistic license, this post is sponsored by, written like she would write, and straight out of the wacky head of the lovely girl-you-don’t-cross, Courtney. Enjoy her review of each of the remaining contestants, as seen on episode 5!
From tropical Puerto Rico…
I’m so hot, Puerto Rico called and made reservations to visit me in the summer.
Nicki got the first date, but hey Nicki, a consignment shop from Miami in the early 1990s called and said it wants it’s dress back.
Hey everybody, the cat Ben and Nicki saw on their date called and said please stop saying it’s raining it and dogs.
A few of us went on a group date to Roberto Clemente Stadium. Hey girls, Roberto Clemente called and said you’re white, stop trying to say my name like you’re not.
Jennifer struck out and lost the baseball game. Hey Jennifer, irony called and asked if you understood what just happened?
That’s right, my team won the game. Charlie Sheen called and said hashtag winning!
Blakeley cried after her team lost. Hey Blakeley, Duke and the University of North Carolina called and said at least you didn’t have to play basketball against Florida State.
Hey Casey S., America called and asked who the blonde is on the show. I said Emily? They said no. I said Casey? They said no, Kacie has brown hair. I said well there’s a Casey with blonde hair. They said oh, I’m not familiar.
Emily, oh Emily. My sh*t list called and said you’re still on it.
Hey Rachel, the tattoo on your lower back called and asked if you could go on Ink Masters for a cover up.
Oh by the way, Ben, the ocean called and said it wants us to get naked. I texted back that we’d be right there.
Elyse got the second one-on-one date. Hey Elyse, 1999 called and wants their belly button ring back. Sorry you didn’t get a rose, and by sorry I mean hahahaha.
Hey show producers, David Gray called and said you don’t have to play his song during every episode.
Hey Jamie, Joran Van Der Sloot called and wants advice on how to be more forgettable. Give him a call and just tell him to stop killing people, that’ll help. Btw, I think I saw him on the beach staring at us.
Kacie B., permanent haircut called and said it wants itself back.
Lindzi C., your horse Levi called and said come home. He’s got no one to watch Homeward Bound with.
Elyse went home without a rose. Don’t worry Elyse, you didn’t do anything wrong, you just didn’t do anything right. Jennifer also went home without a rose. I guess kissing well isn’t enough to win Ben’s heart. Hello, you gotta get naked… hashtag winning!