The Bachelorette meets Cheaters meets I Survived A Japanese Game Show.
If you saw this episode, you’re painfully aware (the first thirty minutes were dedicated to this) that Justin “Rated-R” Rego is long gone. Turns out, dun dun dun! he has a girlfriend. For more digression into all of that, read other recaps, I want to get to the good stuff! Afterall, The Driftwood Detectatory, II is nothing if not “good stuff.”
Seven guys remain after last week’s episode. They’re bunked up at the Hyatt in Instanbul, Turkey. It’s the normal routine of two one-on-one dates split in the middle by a group date. The first single date goes to Ty from Tennessee. Their date was at a Turkish bath. Ali informs us that usually only men are allowed there so she’s happy to be allowed inside. Is it an honor to have access to where men bathe? Really? I used to shower at the Y downtown and let me tell you, it’s no place for a woman. Think showers full of wrinkly naked men. With no shower dividers. Anyway, she and Ty rub lotion on each other and kiss a little. Ty has restored her faith in wrinkle-free men. Mine, too. The chemistry between these two is blowing up. Especially with the background drum track ripped from a 1997 soft porn video. Country singer Ty’s new nickname, “Ty Longnote,” if you know what I mean. It’s dinner time, so while they eat Ali asks him about his divorce. He explains why his first marriage went South, telling her he’s learned and become a better person because of it. He couldn’t appear more sincerely ready for a new attempt at marriage. Or, as he likes to call it, verse three. Ali offers Ty the rose and he accepts. They go outside and dance on the street.
Next up, the group date with Chris L., Roberto, Kirk, and Craig R. This date took place at a fifteenth-century fortress and had some surprises. First, no rose will be given out. Instead, the guys must wrestle covered in olive oil to win a date with Ali. Of all the athletic guys who remain, Craig (a lawyer) ends up winning and gets his first one-on-one date with Ali. Nice work, Craig! Maybe you won’t be pegged as “The Protective Big Brother” afterall. The rest of the guys return to the Hyatt and tell Frank the Smotherer all that happened, who’s surprisingly upset that all he can do is wait in devastating anticipation.
“Roberto is a really good oil wrestler.”
Craig and Ali go out on a boat for dinner, where he jokes about olive oil wrestling. This was an attempt to belittle Justin (the professional wrestler), similar to his Kasey tattoo joke last week. Unfortunately it floats right by Ali’s little blonde head and Craig got no bonus points. Is it obvious here that Craig likes her, or more accurately, he wants to like her? Ali wants to like him, but knows something’s not there. His “protective big brother” characteristic bites him in the booty, never more clearly than when they watched fireworks from the boat. That’s when she called him, “so sweet,” which, if you’ve ever been a guy you know that’s the kiss of death. Just ask Krazy Kasey. She called him sweet in episode 1 and look where he is now. Last week I predicted Craig wouldn’t get a rose this week, and so far, he’s right on track.
The final date of the evening went to Frank the Smotherer. Before it started, Ali commented that she wants the old Frank back. I don’t think she has a clear recollection of “the old Frank” but hey, she wants what she wants. The date begins with snacking on some candy-like treats from a carpet shop, of course. The owner sells them a rug. So now they’re walking around Turkey with a huge rug from IstanKEA. Frank says he feels like they’re in a movie. Aha! He’s thinking back to the U.S. soccer game versus Algeria when Landon Donovan scored a late-game goal, the commentator exclaiming “Hollywood couldn’t write it any better!” Well watch out, Landon, Frank’s out to prove he can! Anyway, they chat over a romantic dinner. Ali confesses she’s scared about something, I don’t know, I was busy thinking about the Donovan goal. It was awesome! Ok, Ali feels really good around Frank the Smotherer. She smothers his chest with a rose. He accepts then smiles smothererly.
The cocktail party is cancelled and the guys are, guess what, shocked! Ali already knows who she’s going to eliminate and doesn’t want to delay. Roses went to Ty, Frank, Roberto, Chris L., and Kirk. Craig’s eliminated. Runner-up for quote of the episode goes to ABC for this one: “If you’d like to be on the upcoming season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette, go to bachelor.abc.com and click apply.” Don’t apply, we all know it’ll be Frank or Kirk.
Check back next week for a recap of episode 7!