Throwing Rocks at Chuck Norris

I was driving from Tennessee to north Florida by way of Interstate 65 with my oldest niece in the back seat. I was behind my brother-in-law and his van loaded with a few other nieces and my sister. It was an old-fashioned caravan, y’all! Like the good ol’ days when they used wagons and horses and wooden wheels. Horse-drawn_garbage_wagon,_Seattle,_1915.gifTheir problems were issues like life-threatening sicknesses but mine? Mine was big time. A piece of earth with violent intentions blazing through the atmosphere with the launch power of a Scud missile and a radar locked on MY FACE! However, the small rock was intercepted mid-air by a Patriot missile… also known as my windshield. The resulting damage was a crack that slowly began to spread across the glass. Unfortunately, insurance didn’t cover this type of damage in the state of Alabama and now that I think about it, don’t even get me started on all the reasons I don’t like that state anyway! The only good things to come out of Alabama are Jameis Winston  and my Versa every time we pass through! I could’ve forked over the cash to have new glass installed but as odd as it may sound, I’m proud of my windshield so I won’t replace it.  For so long I’ve taken for granted that I have a giant piece of very strong glass in front of me, protecting me as I drive a metal entrapment down the road at blazingly fast yet limit obeying speeds. Plus, this life-protecting glass has the word shield in it and right now I can’t think of a more manly word. Shield. It’s like Chuck Norris is laying across my dashboard. Chuck_Norris -Out of the Wilderness

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Las Vegas, Jimmie Johnson, The Bachelor, Carrot Top, And More!

“The Bachelor Brad Womack: Women Tell All” episode has more drama than a Las Vegas casino. But a lot less alcohol. I was in Las Vegas recently and went to the Las Vegas Motor Speedway. If you remember from the group date in episode 5, this race track is where Brad found out about Emily’s past relationship with Nascar driver Ricky Hendrick. At the track, I didn’t notice any lingering effects from the episode. I only noticed fast cars, cool drivers like Jimmie Johnson, and plenty of Kentucky waterfalls. Click here for 10 signs your date was a contestant on the Bachelor.

Jimmie Johnson in the #48 car in Las Vegas.

“The Women Tell All” is a unique episode in that it’s the first time the girls are “in real life” and can talk about the first 9 episodes of the Bachelor… because they’ve been watching each week just like you and me. But before the show gets started, Chris sets up how things are going to shake out in the next two hours. He starts by tossing to an interview he conducted with Brad. Brad talks about the more notably events of the season including Chantal O.’s slap, Ashley H.’s carnival date, Madison’s fangs, and Shawntel’s funeral directing skills.

Brad about Shawntel asking him to lay on a death bed: “It’s a little awkward. It really was.”

Chris Harrison reveals there will be season 2 of “Bachelor Pad” which includes a cast that throws the craziest parties ever. Then we watch a Bachelor reunion party with lots of familiar faces. Ali and Roberto are there. The tattoo guy Kasey is back and still looking for love. Why hasn’t Kasey found anyone to guard and protect his heart? You mean to tell me his heart has been exposed this whole time? Darn. Maybe Roberto and Ali can help fix it, or just show up to be the example of how winners, win. Winning! Duh! What doesn’t mesh together in my head are the comments from past contestants saying they are all like a big Bachelor family and the some highlights we see of them kissing in the pool or in the mansion. Just call it what it is, “The Bachelor: Sodom and Gomorrah” or “The Bachelor: Kiss and Tell” or “The Bachelor: Kentucky.”

Coming back from a commercial, we are reintroduced to Sarah P., Lisa M., Melissa, Alli, Britt, Marissa, Raichel, Meghan, Stacey, Ashley S., Jackie, Ashley H., Michelle, Madison, and Shawntel N. Over half these girls give some kind of butterfly double hand wave. Weird. The girls reflect on the first night, getting out of the limo and meeting Brad for the first time. Cut to highlights, strictly limited to the backstabbing comments the girls made throughout the season. Back in the “live” studio, Stacey confronts Michelle. Other girls chime in, too. Jackie drops the bomb by telling Michelle she’s not funny. Whoa, Jackie, back off. You can accuse her as a mother, tell her she’s two-faced, even admit you gave her the black eye, but how dare you reject her inner Carrot Top.

Carrot Top before and after steroids.

Also check out: Deal Breakers in a Dating Relationship

Melissa takes the hot seat next to Chris Harrison. They discuss her feud with Raichel. Raichel wins the award for alliteration… friends, frantic, frazzled, freaking everyone out. Jackie pleases the audience by calling Raichel out for blaming Melissa. Ashley S. trumps Jackie with a comment about what kind of behavior guys like and don’t like. The crowd grows tired of clapping. But never tired of these verbal slaps.

Michelle is next to take the hot seat. Chris Harrison gives her a hug. She says she’s suffering from the ugly cry today. She’s unsure what the pretty cry is, though. Michelle fights tears through the interview as the scowling Jackie watches along. The gaggle of girls on stage share their opinions of Michelle, who’s still crying. Michelle explains her sense of humor, and how she’s so misunderstood. Chris Harrison calls her sarcasm a self-defense mechanism. Reminds of Kip learning self-defense in the hilarious movie: Napoleon Dynamite.

Kip trying Rex Kwon Do self-defense.

Stacey attacks Michelle then goes in for the kill. Chris Harrison whips out his man card and tells the girls to shut it so Michelle can regroup and finish the hot seat interview. Are you serious Chris? He just said the hot seat Michelle is sitting on is the hottest seat ever. Is anyone else growing tired of Chris Harrison exclaiming that this next whatever is the most whatever ever? Who does he think we are? Growing up I was told that if you have to keep telling people something is a certain way, it probably isn’t that way. It’s like a joke you have to keep explaining. It’s probably just not funny so it’s not a joke.

Here’s how to be funny.

Jackie, Stacey and Sarah P. are hounding Michelle, but hey girls, jealousy is much less attractive than you think Michelle is. Bam! You just got consulted. Britt tells it like it is, says Michelle is funny, no one should’ve thought she was really the kind of person she acted to be. After all is said and done with Michelle on the hottest seat ever, she comes off rather normal, don’t you agree? Well, normal for an actress trying to get her name out there. She knew, like we did, that Brichelle just won’t work. It sounds like Michelle but with nasty chest congestion. Brantal or Bremily for the victory.

Ashley S. takes the hot seat next. Is she wearing a silly band? That’s silly.

Ashley S. about Brad saying she wasn’t wife material: “That was such a dagger to my heart. I can’t tell you how bad that comment almost hurt.”

I’m confused. So you’re not telling us what again? I’m going to find out from Chuck Norris if daggers to the heart hurt. Or better yet, I’ll check with his enemies if they hurt or almost hurt.

Chuck Norris.

A tanning bed and a hair makeover later, Ashley H. is next on the hot seat. Let’s see how many words she adds the letter ‘a’ to… secand, upsat, axit, laft, defanse, knaw, yas, mysalf. Ok, that was almost bearable.

Now the man we’ve all been waiting for, Brad takes the stage with Chris Harrison. He wonders who that girl is over there. Haha, I just made you say overwear. Wait… that doesn’t work. Darn. Anyway, the new girl is the new Ashley H. complete with brunette hair, ruby red lips, white teeth and no more “mom hair.”

Brad talks about his relationship with Ashley S., Michelle, and Ashley H. Has Shawntel said a word yet? It’s time for her to say something. She’s the best one there. I wonder if Brad will talk to her. Nope, Chris Harrison tosses to clips of he and Brad at a school in Africa. They donated some kind of solar generator that gives the kids hot water. Amazing. Chris said it right, “A kid is a kid is a kid no matter where you go in the world.”

Brad talks about his relationship with Chantal and Emily. He’s the happiest he’s ever been with those two girls. He won’t say who he proposes to, but he says, “She’s changed my life.” He’s in love and falls more every day. A nice setup for next week’s season finale. Check back here next week for a riveting review of a rose and a rejection. See, I can do alliterations, too. Bam! Winning! Duh!

205 Days and Counting

No, the title of this post has nothing to do with car racing or lines that are funny if you add “in bed” at the end. Driftwood Detectatory, II has reached a milestone- over 20,000 post views! A huge thanks to you, the reader, for clicking on my posts, commenting on them, and passing them along to your friends (see Where Are All The Men). Also a big thanks for passing them along to your enemies (see You Aren’t Awesome).

The site would not be where it is today without these top five posts:

Chris Lambton’s Tattoo Pictures
(from Ali’s season on the Bachelorette)

Boney M In A Green Taxi

Home Page
(takes you to my most recent post)

Episode 10 of The Bachelorette
(from Ali’s season on the Bachelorette)

Chris Lambton’s Birthday
(from Ali’s season on the Bachelorette)

Here are a select group of my favorite posts:

Sharing A House With Dog

Satellites and Captains

The Three-Star Spangled Banner

And here are some funny search terms from the 205 days this site has been active:
1984 barbie
dolphin tramp stamp
barbie vs. firecracker
a girl keeps checking my online profile
awesome dog
I don’t eat dogs
Chuck Norris xs
weird guy droid

Thanks, everybody!
Ben

Finders Keepers: An Insider View

You might wonder, as I often do, how people are discovering Out of the Wilderness. Well, I’ve listed a few of the most popular search terms that dump people here:

chuck norris xs
the driftwood guy
wise guy technological pro
resourceful is my characteristic
thrifty’s pizza wood stove

For those of you using these to find my site, I apologize. I have nothing to offer you. However, if you are curious about personality types, The Bachelorette, Droid vs. iPhone, ghost encounters, deal-breakers, Boney M, mustaches, or the sleeping patterns of Lost characters, then you just might find some worthy reading material.

Lastly, a quick sidenote: if you’re looking for pictures to use as a visual aid for the word “sleep” or “sleeping,” don’t do an image search for “big fluffy pillows.” You will not find fluffy pillows there.

Mustache Friday

Tom Selleck.   Hulk Hogan.   White Goodman.   Ben Wilder.

What do these four men have in common? A fairly common case of Awesomeupper Lipness. For seven days I wore a mustache with as much commitment as I could muster. Consider it an experiment in social acceptance. Here are a few reactions I got from people:

Nice ‘stache.

Are you trying to get on the government’s watch list? Because you’re creeping out Amber.

*applause*  I’m applauding the mustache… manly.

Oh, damn… that’s deisel!

Magnum.

Are you trying out for the Police Academy?

I think I saw you on “How To Catch A Predator” last night.

Have you been watching “Three Men and A Baby”? What inspired this?

Honey, come over here. (mother commanding young daughter near me at a yard sale)

Ben, you have some dirt— *points finger to upper lip*

You kinda look like Tom Selleck. *followed by ‘not-a-compliment’ laughter*

What are you doing? (me to myself in the mirror)

*A nod and a wave from another guy with a mustache*

I’ll still hang out with you, it doesn’t matter.

You should grow it out.

Slow down, ‘stache.

Ben Selleck.

I like your mustache.

Birth control.

The Dude abides.

This is not the first time I’ve grown a mustache, however I was more commited this time, and spent more time making it look the best it could. Suprisingly, I never heard these comments:

That mustache is hot.

Hey manly man, take me out on a date and make my whole life worthwhile.

If I said your mustache was awesome, would you hold it against my lips?

If your mustache was money, it would be a thousand dollar bill!

Wow, Tom Selleck looks like you.

Did Chuck Norris scare the rest of your beard away?

*after seeing me, girl to current boyfriend*   We’re done.

*after seeing me, girl to current boyfriend*   See? Now that’s a man.

*after seeing me, girl thinks about current boyfriend*   Am I settling?

His upper lip is partying like it’s 1989.

Does that policeman know he’s awesome?

Is he punching through glass because he can or because he can?

Why Does X Go First?

Does anyone know why X always goes before O in Tic Tac Toe? Here are a few theories, in order of those with most public support…

Conan O’Brien recently marked his next target, George Lopez, by putting an X on his back!

because X is the Xavior of the alphabet.

because O doesn’t mark the spot.

hugs always come before kisses (xoxo).

because O is never associate with a good reaction… “Oh geez!” “Oh gosh!” “Oh no!” “Oh boy.” “Oh wow, that smells.” “Oh well.” “Uh oh.”

because the Executive Officer (XO) made the strategy “X first” mandatory, with approval from the CO, of course.

because of the previous administration’s goal: “no X left behind”.

the Big Bang Theory banged an X first.

the O’s are well-known for hiding behind the X’s when Chuck Norris is looking at them.

Never “O first,” it just makes an ox out of you and me.

X’s love attention. Just look how many divorced couples always talk about the X!

O’s were first until the landmark case of X vs. Tinklefern, 1963.

O is the home team, so X’s bat first.

The O is always opening the door, sending flowers, sending sweet texts, and letting X go through the buffet line first. Such a gentleman!

and without checking wikipedia, any idea why a tie is called a “cat’s game”?