PENSACOLA, FL — In an unprecedented move, FEMA has authorized the use of Chuck Norris in an effort to neutralize the double dose of tropical storms heading towards the United States. As noted in a statement from FEMA Administrator, Pete Gaynor, there hasn’t yet been an effective way to lessen the power of tropical storms… until now.
Greg Gallman, who serves on the National Advisory Council, messaged Gaynor with the idea to call on Mr. Norris for help combatting the threat of Marco and Laura, two tropical storms expected to make landfall as hurricanes this week along the Gulf coast of the United States. A source with knowledge of the conversation says the idea was met with confusion initially, but after Gallman explained how Mr. Norris “kicks everyone’s [butts] wherever he goes,” Gaynor was more open to the unconventional idea.
Historically, Brazilian jiu jitsu has not been used as a way to overpower weather phenomena but in 2020, as many people will admit, nothing is off the table. As a black belt in BJJ, Chuck Norris graciously accepted the invitation to combat the storms, as he has yet to find an opponent he cannot defeat.
Mr. Norris will setup camp in Pensacola, Florida Monday afternoon but at the time of this posting it is unclear when he will call on his martial arts skills to chokehold the storms into submission, or if he will need to do so at all. Meteorologists in the area noticed something quite peculiar; once FEMA announced the inclusion of Chuck Norris in their plan to battle the two tropical storms, both Marco and Laura weakened and began spinning back towards where they came from.
Details will be updated as needed.