Dear Donald Trump,
While I believe you are attempting to do good for our country, there is a person here in Tennessee that has been negatively affected by your accomplishments. And that person is me. You see, among other things, I like that you care for the unborn. I like that you care for the born. In fact, my appreciation for your preservation of our society is why I’m writing this today.
Recently I struck up a relationship with a pretty lady. Now, I’ll be the first to admit we weren’t exactly a match made in Heaven. Areas she and I disagreed on were mostly deal-breakers but early on we DID agree on something: to focus on what we had in common. This seems like what any two mature adults would do, knowing that if we were to bring up and only discuss the things we didn’t see eye-to-eye on, our relationship was doomed.
We talked about animals. We talked about music. I even said I like Taylor Swift. Then out of left field, she asked if I supported you, Mr. President. Knowing she held strong liberal beliefs I wanted to respond with something clever and lighthearted but couldn’t exactly come up with an answer that would keep the peace. So I simply said, “I do.” No two words could have destroyed her more than these. It’s as if I called her a dog-faced pony soldier, and meant it!
In the Bible (the book you held upside down once, you rascal!), one might propose that the overarching theme could be summed up in two words, “But God…” As hopeful as THOSE two words are, the two words I said were the exact opposite. Powerful in their lack of hope for our relationship turning into a “happily ever after” (like Noah and Allie’s did in The Notebook).
After the infamous, “I do,” the conversation was ending and it was ending fast. Clearly she knew in her heart of hearts that I was a racist, sexist, homophobic pig (I AM a white man, after all) and she didn’t want anything to do with it. The last nail in the coffin came after she asked me to share a few reasons why I support you. I think the third thing I mentioned was about your work preventing government funds from going to entities that perform abortions. By the way, did you know one person cannot have two blood types? I wrote a blog post about how this simple scientific fact supports life, not choice… in regards to abortion.
Anyway, after I brought up your work against abortion, you would’ve thought I just told her Cheez-It’s aren’t made with real cheese. Her patience with me had run out so she wished me well and it was over. I’ll give her credit for not wasting more time with someone that doesn’t believe exactly the same things she does.
I’ve never written to a President before so I’m not sure how to end this. I guess I’ll put it this way, sir… I’m STILL single. Of course, I rather have you in the White House than a mad woman in mine.