Hilariously Bad Dating Profiles – part 2

If you missed part 1, check it out here and then let’s continue in the funny, cringe-worthy, embarrassing world of online dating!


  1. Cigs yes, kids no. This gentleman purposely matched with a woman who clearly lists that she wants kids and doesn’t smoke. Take a look at his side of these issues. Not to mention she says she loves Jesus and he says he’s non-religious. Sounds like a match made in Heaven, although he would not believe it.

2. Trash talk. I wonder what his fun ideas are… going to a recycling center together?


3. A picture is worth a thousand words 50 cents. This guy used a picture of 50 Cent as his profile picture. My friend responds accordingly.


4. That’s a catty-looking dog.


5. They say people look like their pets. Here’s exhibit A.


6. Me, myself, and I. Maybe that phrase is what she meant… so she is 3 women?


7. Words of affirmation. Showering them with compliments will always win them over.


8. I’ve been everywhere, man. This is just one of my pet peeves I had to include. It comes across as bragging, narcissistic, and really, I don’t care where you’ve been mmmmmk?


9. Get with the times. You can’t say bomb on a plane and you can’t say her favorite team name anywhere.


Thanks for checking out these profiles. There are a lot more out there so if you’re sorting through looking for the diamond in the rough, be prepared to laugh and be sure to have an extra dose of patience.

-Out of the Wilderness

Donald Trump cost me a date, so I wrote him a letter

Dear Donald Trump,

While I believe you are attempting to do good for our country, there is a person here in Tennessee that has been negatively affected by your accomplishments. And that person is me. You see, among other things, I like that you care for the unborn. I like that you care for the born. In fact, my appreciation for your preservation of our society is why I’m writing this today.

Recently I struck up a relationship with a pretty lady. Now, I’ll be the first to admit we weren’t exactly a match made in Heaven. Areas she and I disagreed on were mostly deal-breakers but early on we DID agree on something: to focus on what we had in common. This seems like what any two mature adults would do, knowing that if we were to bring up and only discuss the things we didn’t see eye-to-eye on, our relationship was doomed.

We talked about animals. We talked about music. I even said I like Taylor Swift. Then out of left field, she asked if I supported you, Mr. President. Knowing she held strong liberal beliefs I wanted to respond with something clever and lighthearted but couldn’t exactly come up with an answer that would keep the peace. So I simply said, “I do.” No two words could have destroyed her more than these. It’s as if I called her a dog-faced pony soldier, and meant it!

In the Bible (the book you held upside down once, you rascal!), one might propose that the overarching theme could be summed up in two words, “But God…” As hopeful as THOSE two words are, the two words I said were the exact opposite. Powerful in their lack of hope for our relationship turning into a “happily ever after” (like Noah and Allie’s did in The Notebook).

After the infamous, “I do,” the conversation was ending and it was ending fast. Clearly she knew in her heart of hearts that I was a racist, sexist, homophobic pig (I AM a white man, after all) and she didn’t want anything to do with it. The last nail in the coffin came after she asked me to share a few reasons why I support you. I think the third thing I mentioned was about your work preventing government funds from going to entities that perform abortions. By the way, did you know one person cannot have two blood types? I wrote a blog post about how this simple scientific fact supports life, not choice… in regards to abortion.

Anyway, after I brought up your work against abortion, you would’ve thought I just told her Cheez-It’s aren’t made with real cheese. Her patience with me had run out so she wished me well and it was over. I’ll give her credit for not wasting more time with someone that doesn’t believe exactly the same things she does.

I’ve never written to a President before so I’m not sure how to end this. I guess I’ll put it this way, sir… I’m STILL single. Of course, I rather have you in the White House than a mad woman in mine.

Sincerely,
BW

Bathrobes are amazing…and 22 other things I learned as a single guy in my 30s

Hi there and thanks for stopping by. As it says in the purpose of this blog, I write about a few parts of my life, one being that I’m single. So with that in mind I compiled a list of things I’ve learned in my 30s (and a few from my 20s) while not being married. This might apply to single women as well, but I wouldn’t dare assume anything about “the single woman,” which leads perfectly to the first lesson on the list…

  1. Never assume anything about women.
  2. When the tv show Friends originally aired, it didn’t mean anything to me. Now watching reruns in my 30s, I get it. And I can’t stop laughing.
  3. The woman is always right. And no, I’m not only talking about contra dancing 🙂
  4. There are certain songs that will forever remind you of someone you dated.
  5. Someone in your family will know of the perfect girl for you.
  6. If you try online dating, it might not be as bad as you expect. And yet, it can go horribly wrong sometimes.
  7. Questions about a girl you might ask in your 20s: Is she nice? What’s her faith like? Is she cute? What does she like to do? What’s her favorite kind of music? Does she enjoy the same things I do?
  8. Questions you might ask in your 30s: Is she married? No? It’s on.
  9. I’ve learned how to spot a ring from sniper distances.
  10. It’s perfectly OK going to the movie theater alone and what’s even better, you can see any movie you want.
  11. Dogs really can be your best friends.
    best friends
  12. It’s possible to not know exactly what Pinterest is.
  13. Something you might say in your 20s: “Wow, my co-worker’s 35 and not married yet? Hope that’s not me one day.”
  14. Something you end up saying when you’re single at 35: “35 is the new 25.”
  15. I could’ve married in my early 20s but I’m guessing I would’ve been divorced in my late 20s.
  16. It can be a little scary wondering if the girl I might marry one day is even in the same city as me. Same state? Same country? Has anyone ever actually found a needle in a haystack?
  17. According to a social experience performed by me sometime in 2002, you can wear the same clothes 1 or 2 or 5 days in a row, and no one will say a word about it. (Except for Rosemary, she suspected)
  18. I can cut my hair any way I want, and that’s kinda awesome.
  19. Married folks might read #18 and think, “Ew, gross.” But inside they’re slightly jealous. At least some of the married guys are. Right???
  20. Time by yourself can feel pretty lonely.
  21. Time by yourself can feel pretty incredible.
  22. A song you heard when you were 15 meant nothing to you. Hearing it again at 35, it rips your heart out.
  23. Bathrobes are amazing.
    IMG_20160110_215108597

I’m sure there are many more, but I hope you enjoyed reading these 23!

-Out of the Wilderness

 

Top Ten Signs You’re Single This Christmas

10. When you get to your company Christmas party, you hear someone announce, “The fruitcake has arrived!” but you brought cookies.

9. Your most recent Facebook status: “my chesnuts havent roasted on an open fire in months. lol”

8. You haven’t shaved your legs since October because, “Hey, it’s winter, I’ll just wear jeans.”

7. At every white elephant party you attend, you launch into a lengthy diatribe about the plight of the albino elephant. Then you storm out.

Full House

6. Christmas morning consists of waking up, eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and watching the Christmas episode of Full House, the one where the Tanners get stuck in an airport terminal. Everyone’s worried Santa won’t find them but then a man shows up who looks like Santa. They all think it’s Uncle Joey but then it turns out it was the real Santa.

5. Christmas lights in your yard have no recognizable pattern, until you see them from the air. It reads “Got A Spouse?”

4. You aren’t currently dating anyone.

3. You volunteer to be Santa at the mall and after kids tell you their wish, you tell them your wish is to meet their mom.

2. Your name is Kobe Bryant.

1. You get fired as Santa at the mall when you walk into Victoria’s Secret confessing to the women it’s not a candy cane in your pocket, and yes, you’re happy to see them.