Posting daily at 1pm central about all kinds of things. One day it's dating, the next it's TV commercials. I hope you're entertained. Professional photos on SmugMug – https://benwilder.smugmug.com
It isn’t just Sam Smith that gets called “crazy.” He was in love with a woman that appareeennnnntly cheated on him, per the lyrics of his hit song “I’m Not the Only One.” She calls him crazy because she doesn’t know he knows what she did. But he does know, and he even wrote a song about it. But anyway, appareeennnnntly I’m crazy, too. Because whilst at Disney World last week, I ran with the notion that my nails should be colorfully designed by my young nieces.I suppose if I was going to do that, Disney is one of the most acceptable places. The scary part for me is that I actually liked it! But don’t worry about me yet, until I start shaving my legs and posting stuff on Pinterest.
Honestly, I’ve been sitting on that post for a while. It’s the most transparent I’ve been, well, the most personal. I love writing in a way that makes you laugh, that makes me laugh, but that one, obviously, is different. I sincerely hope you look at me with compassion, without much judgement, and continue hanging on as I make my way through this wilderness.
I know if any girl I was dating or about to date read my last post, they wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. But the post wasn’t about saving my dating life. To be honest, there’s not much to save anyway. I wanted to come clean, whether it’s to 3 readers or 3,000. Because there’s only one me and I’m trying to make that one me look like the me I want him to be. He looks a lot like my grandfathers. He acts like them, and acts like my dad…chivalrous, caring, maybe rough around the edges but has respect for people, and for women. That’s part of what being a Wilder is. Another part is extreme athleticism (OK I’ll stop trying to be funny). But strip away my last name, and you know what, it’s really part of what being a man is. Like Hozier sings, “we were born sick” and according to the Bible, it’s true. I was born selfish, dirty, and in need of some discipline.
These last couple of posts are about the journey since that birth day.
She was walking up the beach, carrying a chair, towels, and a few other things when I asked, “Can I help you carry that stuff?” She politely declined and also said, “You’re so chivalrous.” Even shot down, it felt like a win… once I found out what chivalrous meant. She must’ve been in her mid-20s which was a perfect match for me… a 5th grader. Trust me though, it was chivalry that motivated me, definitely not her beautiful tan-ness, cute face, or proving to my brother that I would talk to that cute girl on the beach.
Maybe it’s not something other people can see, and I suppose I’m grateful for that. Like I have a chance to see this about myself in the privacy of my own mind, my own heart. Like those markers that write invisible messages till you color over them and nobody but me has the colored markers. Or the Magic Eye images that reveal an image of a dolphin jumping if you look at it the right way.
magiceye.com
If people knew me as well as I know myself, they’d come to this same conclusion: When it comes to being a great Wilder, an honorable Wilder man, I’ve got miles to go. In the months that have passed since my granddad Pop died, I have a certain sadness when I think of the great man he was, the great man his son (my dad) is, the great man his grandson (my brother) is, and how I’m just not there yet. It’s a deep emotion. I think back over my life and can’t remember a time I’ve felt something so deeply, something that I know without any doubt will be a landmark time in my life. Here’s Pop. The video moves me like none I’ve seen in a long, long time. Since I was the one who made it, I’ve had extensive time with the photos. With the song. With these images that tell of a love story that started decades before I was born and continued decades after. It’s because of that love story that I was even born at all. That’s the sort of story I want, too. That one day somebody will know they exist because, like Brad Paisley sings, “Two people fell in love.”
But I’m not there yet. It’s not because I’m picky or because I’m afraid of commitment. It’s because I don’t deserve a wife. Or love. Or fill in the blank. I still act like a child at times. I’m selfish. I’m superficial. I’m a man that doesn’t deserve what good men deserve. And this being one of the most honest posts I’ve had—ever—I’m not against sharing with whoever reads that I’ve gone behind a friend’s back to date a girl he liked. I’ve also been the friend. I’ve dated girls I knew I wouldn’t marry. I’ve spent the night with a girl just for the companionship. I’ve kissed a married woman. I’m not proud of any of this. In fact, I feel a lot of shame about it so when people speculate as to why I’m still single at 36 years old, I don’t dare bring any of this up. Though inside I know it’s a consequence, on a spiritual level, of my actions. It has to be that way. And I’m not upset about it. It’s fair. God is being fair and I love that about Him. But sometimes when I pray, I ask Him to be unfair. That’s what love is. Unfair favor. I suppose one day maybe I’ll get to love someone that way, but I’m not there yet. Still working on being a man that lives up to his last name.
My brother and I were on a yacht and dealing with what seemed like 10-foot waves. They were crashing over the bow of the boat, and I remember at times only being able to hang on with one hand.I can remember so many details, especially right after I woke up.
I’ve picked up the habit of emailing myself when I have vivid dreams like that. If I don’t, when I wake up for the day I will have forgotten what the dream was. So yes, that means this morning when I woke up I had an email from myself. You’d email yourself too if you were in a life or death situation facing big waves on Lake Azalea! And where did the name Lake Azalea come from anyway?
Dreams are such a wild concept because when I’m in them, it’s real life. It’s as real as me sitting here typing out this post. But then when I’m actually awake, I realize how nonsense they are. And this one about the yacht was tame compared to some I’ve had. I wonder if there’s a way to turn this common occurance (waking up and emailing about my dreams) into some sort of app people can use?
I’ve lived on my own without an ironing board, and I don’t plan on changing that any time soon. It’s not that I don’t like irons, or boards, but I’m not the kind of person that needs my clothes to be ironed. Can they be wrinkly? Yes. Do my clothes sometimes need ironing? Of course. But you don’t feed your dog every time they need food do you? That’s rhetorical and actually doesn’t even help my point. Plus, yes you should feed your dog every time they need food. But you get what I’m saying. Wait, don’t you? What I mean is that some people are the “iron-your-clothes-shave-every-day” kind of people, and some are the “don’t-iron-your-clothes-flush-every-other-time” kind of people. The world needs both so to balance out that guy you see with the perfect pleats and a baby soft face, there’s me.
I suppose if I was going to do that, Disney is one of the most acceptable places. The scary part for me is that I actually liked it! But don’t worry about me yet, until I start shaving my legs and posting stuff on Pinterest.
Out of the Wilderness 
