The Case of the Missing Retainer

I was a junior in high school living in New York City. We had just moved there from Miami, Florida, where we had been for 3 years. Our stay in New York wasn’t for long, only 6 months because my dad retired from the Coast Guard. We couldn’t continue living on the military base (Governor’s Island) so we packed up and moved to Tallahassee, Florida. I wasn’t sad about the move because during the 6 months I was able to do make some memories: snow skiing, sitting in the audience for a taping of The Late Show with David Letterman, playing flag football, learning how to type fast, trying out for the school basketball team, and whitewater rafting with my dad. But one thing I wasn’t able to do was get my braces taken off. I was in 9th grade when I got them. Why? Well, let’s just say the theme song for my teeth was Fleetwood Mac’s…

Some people had buck teeth. I had a buck tooth. And none of my other teeth pointed the right way either. I got braces in Miami, kept them in New York, and it was my senior year at Leon High School (go Lions) in Tallahassee when they were finally removed. “Phew! Just in time for my senior pictures!” But it was in New York that the unsolved case of the missing retainer happened.

One night, a lot like any other, I brushed my teeth and got ready for bed. I dutifully inserted the retainer which I was supposed to wear while I slept. However, when I woke up the next morning, it was gone. Ruh roh Raggy. I checked everywhere. The bathroom trash. My bed sheets. Under the bed. Beside the bed. Under the pillow? Nope. Days went by and the retainer was still missing in action. When it came time to move, I thought, “OK, now that retainer will turn up!” It didn’t. To this very day, I can’t explain what happened that night. The only chance of reopening this cold case is to find the retainer in the box of my stuff in my parent’s attic. And honestly, I hope it’s not there. That would be gross. Can you imagine the smell? Of course, I’m curious how much a vintage 1996 retainer would go for on eBay.

The moral of the story is that sometimes things just go away and you have to be alright with that. It could be a retainer or it could be a person you love. In the end your teeth might still be a little crooked and so might be the path you take, but you should still smile, and smell the roses along the way.

-Out of the Wilderness

Tina Fatigue

tina and amyIs anyone else out there tired of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler? The comedy they deliver once appealed to me, but now it’s old. They haven’t changed. It’s like Jim Carrey sticking with the Ace Ventura tricks. It only lasts so long.  Don’t get me wrong, though, I loved Tina and Amy on SNL and enjoyed watching a few seasons of 30 Rock, and even a movie or two. But the jig us up, ladies. Unless something changes with their humor, or their delivery, they’ve reached their peak and won’t be around, at least in the same capacity they are now, much longer.

They can stay relevant if they realize the need to offer us more than the same bit over and over. Or maybe just do voiceover’s for animated movies. That’s got to be a great gig.

-Out of the Wilderness

Being “Brave”

“Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out.
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave.”
– Sara Bareilles

I know, I’m beating a dead horse but hey, it’s like 10 degrees out. I can either go outside and stand there till my bones hurt (about 5 seconds), or reveal to you a correlation I noticed recently. How can we celebrate a song like “Brave” (over 29 weeks on the Billboard charts) then turn around and bash someone who actually carries out the lyrics? Yes, I’m referring to Phil Robertson… or any Christian who just so happens to speak their beliefs which most of the time contradicts anything in mainstream media. I tell ya what, we live in interesting times in the US.

“A free America… means just this: individual freedom for all, rich or poor, or else this system of government we call democracy is only an expedient to enslave man to the machine and make him like it.”
– Frank Lloyd Wright

Florida State vs. Auburn

Maybe it’s cliché to say this the day before Florida State plays for the national championship, but if there’s a Seminole bandwagon, I’m on it. Of course if you know me at all, you know that I’ve been a Nole since December 26th, 1978. Just a little baby doing the tomahawk chop in a Key West hospital. Folklore suggests that my first words were, “Scalp ‘em!” but there is no recorded evidence. They could’ve easily been, “Go Noles!” or “How ‘bout them Noles?” or “Gators stink.” My mom came from a family of Seminole graduates (and is one herself) so who am I to question our lineage? Would I stray like the prodigal son by applying to some other inferior Florida college, cough cough Gators, cough cough Hurricanes? Heavens no! So on this, the day before the national championship where the beloved Noles take on “the team of destiny,” rest assured that I will be cheering hard for Florida State. Because hey, at Florida State, if we’re gonna do it, we do it big! Go Noles!

-Out of the Wilderness

Wasting Time Watching TV

You hear a lot about how much time people spend watching TV. I’d be curious how much time people spend looking for the other sock! I need to reorganize my chest of drawers because it took me way too long this morning. I wish I could just wear my Christmas slippers all day.

-Out of the Wilderness