I think I’ve embarrassed myself in almost every sport

Yesterday I was thinking about the MOST EMBARRASSING sports fail in my entire 39-year life. It was so bad… the kind of thing you’d see in a movie or in a YouTube video, like this.

Thankfully no one was recording me, so I’ll just have to tell you how it went down…

I was playing soccer, a sport I love to play. But I was playing a position I wasn’t cut out for: goalie. Yikes! So that already made me uncomfortable, plus I only knew one person on the team so I felt like I had a lot to live up to with all the teammates who probably expected me to help them win. Help them win, meaning stop the ball when someone kicks it towards the goal. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, just hold your horses right there!

One time someone kicked the ball from about mid-field. Not a hard kick, but it had some leg behind it. I was all alone since both teams were still mostly on the other end of the field. As the ball rolled towards me, I had zero pressure to do anything athletic. And “not do anything athletic” is exactly what I did! I remember thinking, “Oh man, I’m going to knock this ball so far.” I was so proud of myself for what I was about to do, the team would love me for it. They would carry me off the field on their shoulders. High fives all around. Tell their grandchildren about what their goalie did that day.

Well, they probably WILL still their family what happened… I moved towards the ball and engaged my kick approach. Head down. A few steps, then boom with the left foot…

In my defense, the field was really rough, so the ball was bouncy. So bouncy that when I made a swift kick, I came into contact with nothing. Nothing at all. Air. The stupid bouncing ball had bounced OVER my stupid foot! Embarrassing, right? Well, not as embarrassing as the ball bouncing over my foot AND rolling into the goal. Yep. That’s exactly what happened on the worst day of my sporting career.

I can’t ever show my face at the Donelson YMCA soccer fields again.

via Giphy.com

Other bad days include a critical “go on two” false start in flag football, an “I got up too quick from a slide” in softball where I got up too quick and fell backwards, another softball blooper where I slid head first into first base and was called out because I never actually reached the base, and my entire middle school basketball career was minutes long because my coach only played me a few minutes each game– entirely embarrassing! I still have room for other sports like volleyball, baseball (although I might have a story to share about that later), tennis, and maybe running.

Please don’t judge me. But I will accept any empathy from you, dear reader.

-Out of the Wilderness


Excuse Me While I Pull Up My Window

Every day I enter and exit a parking garage. I’m quite accustomed to this routine. I pull into the garage, roll my window down, scan the card, roll my window up, and find a spot. Except lately the routine has been modified. I pull into the garage, roll my window down, scan the card, pull my window up, and find a spot.

“Wait, what’s that? You pull your window up?” you say.

I say “Yes, yes, I do.” I wait until there are no people around so it’s less embarrassing and, while pushing the button for the window to go up, reach over with my free hand to pull the window up. It’s like an aging dog that just needs some “encouragement” to get out of bed. “Good girl! You did it!” I’m adapting quite well, thank you very much. To avoid this setback, I now roll my window partially down (because then it will go back up with the button) and awkwardly extend my arm up and out to scan my card. There. Done. Easy fix.

So the next time you roll your window up, pat it on the side, and say, “Good girl! You did it!” That way you’ll look more embarrassing than me. Thanks!

-Out of the Wilderness