I think I’ve embarrassed myself in almost every sport

Yesterday I was thinking about the MOST EMBARRASSING sports fail in my entire 39-year life. It was so bad… the kind of thing you’d see in a movie or in a YouTube video, like this.


Thankfully no one was recording me, so I’ll just have to tell you how it went down…

I was playing soccer, a sport I love to play. But I was playing a position I wasn’t cut out for: goalie. Yikes! So that already made me uncomfortable, plus I only knew one person on the team so I felt like I had a lot to live up to with all the teammates who probably expected me to help them win. Help them win, meaning stop the ball when someone kicks it towards the goal. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, just hold your horses right there!

One time someone kicked the ball from about mid-field. Not a hard kick, but it had some leg behind it. I was all alone since both teams were still mostly on the other end of the field. As the ball rolled towards me, I had zero pressure to do anything athletic. And “not do anything athletic” is exactly what I did! I remember thinking, “Oh man, I’m going to knock this ball so far.” I was so proud of myself for what I was about to do, the team would love me for it. They would carry me off the field on their shoulders. High fives all around. Tell their grandchildren about what their goalie did that day.

Well, they probably WILL still their family what happened… I moved towards the ball and engaged my kick approach. Head down. A few steps, then boom with the left foot…

In my defense, the field was really rough, so the ball was bouncy. So bouncy that when I made a swift kick, I came into contact with nothing. Nothing at all. Air. The stupid bouncing ball had bounced OVER my stupid foot! Embarrassing, right? Well, not as embarrassing as the ball bouncing over my foot AND rolling into the goal. Yep. That’s exactly what happened on the worst day of my sporting career.

I can’t ever show my face at the Donelson YMCA soccer fields again.

via Giphy.com

Other bad days include a critical “go on two” false start in flag football, an “I got up too quick from a slide” in softball where I got up too quick and fell backwards, another softball blooper where I slid head first into first base and was called out because I never actually reached the base, and my entire middle school basketball career was minutes long because my coach only played me a few minutes each game– entirely embarrassing! I still have room for other sports like volleyball, baseball (although I might have a story to share about that later), tennis, and maybe running.

Please don’t judge me. But I will accept any empathy from you, dear reader.

-Out of the Wilderness

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More Than One Way To Say Hello

Do you ever try to say one thing but then say something way different? It happens to me, and most recently it was this…

Scenario: Catching up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a few hours.

What I normally say: “What’s up?”

What I wanted to say: “How’s it going?”

What I said: “How’s up?”

I’m an idiot. But now I either say “How’s up?” or “What’s it going?” more often than I ever have. At least it became a funny tweet.

howsup

Top 2 Embarrassing Stories from the Past 2 Weeks

I work in downtown Nashville so when I had a break, I decided to walk to the nearby Regions bank. The route I take is through an area called Printers Alley.

Printers Alley

Lots of music history in Printer’s Alley, it’s been around since printing presses were all the rage, hence the name. So the alley is quite narrow, wide enough for one vehicle to drive through, but not two side by side. Off of the alley, there are a few gaps where storeowners or delivery vehicles can park for a short time, but even these gaps are one car wide. So as I made my way through alley, I approached a woman in her car trying to exit one of these side inlets. If you can imagine a car doing a 45-point turn, that’s what this was going to be. So being a good samaritan, I offered to help her, just doing the basics of telling her how far she could go forward till she needed to stop. She slowly approached the building in front of her and just before I gave her the halt signal, another woman came out of a nearby door and exclaimed “stop!” Totally understandable because from her vantage point she didn’t see me giving this girl directions. When she did, and learned I was helping, she was relieved and apologized. “Oh that’s fine, it’s great to have another set of eyes to help, so thank you so much!” is what I wish I would’ve said. Unfortunately, I said, “Oh, it’s ok. It’s better to have four eyes than two” to the woman who was wearing glasses. I walked away wondering what just happened.

Pfunky Griddle Nashville

A few weeks ago I hosted my family in town.

One of our favorite spots to go in Nashville is a great little restaurant called Pfunky Griddle. If you’re ever in town, I highly recommend it. Each table has it’s own griddle so you can make your own breakfast meal; the pancakes are delicious and so is the french toast. So anyway, we were there on a busy Sunday afternoon. The restaurant was once a home, so the old building has tight quarters with not much space to move around if you’re waiting to be seated. As we waited, my sister and I were chatting on either side of the narrow front register area. There was room for people to pass between us, and they did. As I was looking around the restaurant with nothing specific on my mind, my 10-year old niece walked in front of me on her way to stand by my parents. Without thinking I put my hands on her shoulders as she slowly passed by. I held on long enough to impede her progress so she looked up at me. I looked down, and you can probably guess what happened next. It wasn’t my niece. This girl’s face was washed over with confusion and fear. Instantly mine was, too. Somewhere nearby was a father with a clenched fist, I was sure of it.

So this weekend I’m not going anywhere near narrow streets or hallways, people wearing glasses, or 10-year-old girls.