When the “roll” is called up yonder

When the rollllll is called up yonder, I’ll be fine. Folks, I was half of a toilet paper roll away from having a new normal when I use the restroom. I was even regretting that I didn’t take the opportunity to steal from my sister! STEALING TOILET PAPER!!! Each time I went to any store (Kroger, Dollar General, Sam’s Club, etc), the two-ply tissue worth it’s weight in gold was nowhere to be found. Shelves… empty. But Whole Foods came through for the win. My heart thanks you, and my tooshy thanks you, too!

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-Out of the Wilderness

The case of the unfit underwear

I tried to get in and out of Walmart without embarrassing myself too much, but how often do those plans usually work out, right? I was up front with the customer service lady, telling her I need to return my underwear. At first it was just her and I, still embarrassing but at least it was our little secret.

Then somehow it spread to another employee, then another and another! All I wanna do is return these “fashion” briefs for just regular ol’ briefs. Is that too much to ask?

Not to mention, take a look at the pic on the package, no pun intended…

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I was silly to think I could pull these off (I intended that pun). But look at this guy, totally rockin’ the briefs! I swapped out this set of 6 briefs for another set of 7. And I can’t even tell you the amount of times I had to say the size… yes, they’re smalls. Dang it. They were less expensive but not colorful and fashionable. Plain. White. Small. Briefs.

I guess it’s time I face the facts, I’ll always be a tighty whitey kind of guy.

-Out of the Wilderness

Ten Things You Can Learn by Shopping at Wal-Mart

10. When there’s only one person at the customer service desk, patience.

9. The words “enter” and “exit” mean nothing. People will always go in or out the closest door to their location.

8. Stuffed animals in the toy section look just like stuffed animals in the pet toys section, but cost a lot less.

7. The per-ounce cost of anything.

6. Twenty items or less, people. You’re not more special than anyone else.

5. They have $5 DVDs. Scattered in a 4 foot tall bin.

4. International food is on aisle two. International shoppers are on aisles one through the rest of the store.

3. You know you’re in the fancy part of town when the Wal-Mart has valet parking.

2. Know which movies you’re interested in before your turn at the Redbox kiosk.

1. Target isn’t too far away.

Kids These Days

“…the best part is that someone will always call you ‘young.’ You just might have to keep finding older and older people to do it.”

Back in 2009 I was known as “The Guy Who Runs Downtown With Boxes.” That’s not totally true. No one called me that. I called myself that. For a week. I bought some children’s items from Wal-Mart’s online site. They were cheap enough that I listed them on eBay in hopes of making a small profit. As the items–that’s what they were to me, just “items,”  if I let myself become emotionally connected, I’d start calling them “toys” then “awesome toys” then I’d probably keep them for myself–as they sold, I brought them to a nearby UPS store. And why walk to the store when I could run? Cut my travel time in half, really. I never thought I’d be that guy you see running around in jeans and a collared shirt, but there I went weaving through the crowds in downtown Nashville.

Kids see me and say, “Who’s that man running with a box?”

Older people see me and say, “Kids these days.”

I love old people. They make me feel young, and at the same time, they make me want to be old like them.