Out of the Wilderness

Never Pegged Me for a NASCAR Guy

It wasn’t that long ago that I scoffed at the idea of NASCAR being the sport with the most fans. All they do is go around in circles! I can’t imagine that being fun to watch. But then, for some reason my sister became a huge fan of Jeff Gordon. To say she’s a die-hard fan is an understatement! Not sure why. Especially when there are guys like Jimmie Johnson out there. Yes, I’ll admit it. I’m a Jimmie Johnson fan. Would you believe I rush home from church so I can hear the famous quote, “Gentlemen, start your engines!” … well, I do. But it hasn’t always been that way.

It was only a few years ago that I had my first NASCAR experience. It wasn’t a Sunday race, but I was there for the weekend on the company’s dime. The show I worked for at the time had a deal with Lowe’s so we went out get shots from the Kobalt Tools 400. Ok, ok, I won’t bore you with all those details (because I bet you’re not a huge NASCAR fan like I– I mean, my sister, is– right?)

Today at the time of this posting my guy Jimmie Johnson is leading the pack, and my arch nemesis Jeffy Gordon is #2. It could come down to a photo finish, but Jeff will need more Pepsi Max if he wants to keep up with Jimmie!

Becoming a Vegan

I’ve toyed with the idea of giving up meat, but only for about a half second. It’s not that I love eating chicken, or turkey, or burgers too much. It’s just that I can’t imagine only eating vegetables, fruit, and bread and only drinking water and juice. Vegans don’t drink milk or eat cheese either. Or eggs. Actually the more I think about it, my diet is everything the vegans isn’t.

How am I supposed to have a ham and cheese sandwich without ham and cheese?

I have a friend, Nick Shell, who’s been posting extremely convincing and very sensible reasons why going vegan is (in my own words) not just a thing hipsters do. He and I caught up a bit on Sunday and he challenged me to go a weekend without dairy. Why didn’t he just stab me with a knife? I love cheese and all things cheesy! Like, what did the guy say when he walked into a… Oh, nevermind. I’ll stick to cheesy food.Nick’s reason for giving up dairy is simple: allergies. Since he’s been off dairy, his allergies have vastly improved. He could’ve said anything else but allergy conversations get my full attention. Because it’s crazy out here, y’all! Tennessee’s got to be one of the toughest environments for allergies. Pretty much everyone and their brother suffers a few times a year. And my brother’s in Orlando so I’m suffering for the both of us here! But Nick links dairy consumption with allergy symptoms which is radical to me. Just radical enough that the scales of my curiosity are tipping in favor of giving this no-dairy-weekend thing a shot.

I share some of Nick’s enthusiasm for being healthy, but I know for me it’s a slow process of changing my diet, and giving up food I enjoy (Coke floats!) to replace it with food I’ll learn to enjoy (cherry tomatoes, yuck!). That time is not right now. I will take his challenge though, and anyone who’s reading feel free to check back periodically for an update. I can tell you this, the first post after going vegan cold turkey for a weekend, (isn’t it ironic, don’t you think? Going vegan… cold turkey!) will include some sort of rant on how great milk is and how drinking it gives me strong bones and helps me say Aaron Burr whenever I need to.

-Out of the Wilderness

Since I Have You: A Poem

There’s not much about you I don’t like,
you’re the coolest gal around.
Even when I lose you in the night,
as you chase a rabbit your nose found.

I know you’re needy,
but that’s not bad.
You could be greedy,
or have issues with your dad.

I know you’re not a gold-digger.
You’re more of a mole-digger.
Because the yard is full of holes with no gold.
But also no moles.

And I don’t mind that you don’t shave,
or that all four of your armpits have hair.
Or that you have hair all over your face,
and legs, and feet, and everywhere.

It could be worse,
like if I brought home your sister and you said you hate her.
Then went on to say every taboo curse,
and confessed that you’re a Gator.

I love you but I’d give you away.
It’s not illegal,
but you see, my darling beagle,
There are just certain things we don’t say.

One is anything good about the Gators,
Or the SEC, but we can get into that later.

Now I don’t know if you know this yet,
but your ears are pretty big.
All the better for hearing my pet,
I mean, would you rather be a pig?

I wonder if you could speak,
what you’d tell me when you bark.
I hope it would be,
“I love you with all my beagle heart!”

And I would say, “I love you, too, Piper!”

Snow day: Piper and I — me and Piper, 2010

The Bachelor Finale

There was an electricity running through the office today. It’s not like tonight is the Super Bowl or anything, but there will be a championship ring, if you will. Typically it’s a ring from Neil Lane and it’s intended for the hand of the woman to whom Juan Pablo offers the final rose. I won’t chase the rabbit trail of my prediction for tonight (Nikki wins, no proposal, they already broke up, and Andi’s the next Bachelorette) but I will say this… creators of the show need to reach out beyond the pool of former contestants for the next Bachelor and Bachelorette. I like Andi, she’s probably a nice girl. But the method they use to choose the star of every following season is very much like my dog eating her own vomit. It’s never going to be better than it was the first time around. Somehow, though, ABC continues to tell us it’s “the most dramatic season ever” or especially tonight, “the finale all of America will be talking about.”

But I’ll stop being a Negative Nancy. I’ll be Positive Paul because I’m the commissioner of the CMT Bachelor Fantasy League and tonight is our Super Bowl! One winner will be crowned and I’m excited to be keeping stats for the next 4 hours! Call me weird, just don’t call me late for dinner… and definitely don’t call me and tell me to apply to be on the show!

-Out of the Wilderness