Ten Things You Can Learn by Shopping at Wal-Mart

10. When there’s only one person at the customer service desk, patience.

9. The words “enter” and “exit” mean nothing. People will always go in or out the closest door to their location.

8. Stuffed animals in the toy section look just like stuffed animals in the pet toys section, but cost a lot less.

7. The per-ounce cost of anything.

6. Twenty items or less, people. You’re not more special than anyone else.

5. They have $5 DVDs. Scattered in a 4 foot tall bin.

4. International food is on aisle two. International shoppers are on aisles one through the rest of the store.

3. You know you’re in the fancy part of town when the Wal-Mart has valet parking.

2. Know which movies you’re interested in before your turn at the Redbox kiosk.

1. Target isn’t too far away.

Top Ten Signs You’re Single This Christmas

10. When you get to your company Christmas party, you hear someone announce, “The fruitcake has arrived!” but you brought cookies.

9. Your most recent Facebook status: “my chesnuts havent roasted on an open fire in months. lol”

8. You haven’t shaved your legs since October because, “Hey, it’s winter, I’ll just wear jeans.”

7. At every white elephant party you attend, you launch into a lengthy diatribe about the plight of the albino elephant. Then you storm out.

Full House

6. Christmas morning consists of waking up, eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and watching the Christmas episode of Full House, the one where the Tanners get stuck in an airport terminal. Everyone’s worried Santa won’t find them but then a man shows up who looks like Santa. They all think it’s Uncle Joey but then it turns out it was the real Santa.

5. Christmas lights in your yard have no recognizable pattern, until you see them from the air. It reads “Got A Spouse?”

4. You aren’t currently dating anyone.

3. You volunteer to be Santa at the mall and after kids tell you their wish, you tell them your wish is to meet their mom.

2. Your name is Kobe Bryant.

1. You get fired as Santa at the mall when you walk into Victoria’s Secret confessing to the women it’s not a candy cane in your pocket, and yes, you’re happy to see them.

Christmas Vacation: Day 3

Day 3. It’s fun to sing “Rain, rain, go away! Come back another day!” in the summer, but all those rainy days we wished away like to Groupon it up in the winter. Know what I mean? Sometimes it rains enough for two days in one! Or maybe rainy days have quotas to fill so they tag team December. I can just see how that meeting goes:

Low Pressure System Laura: Ok, let’s get down to business. We’ve got the month of December wide open. Who wants the first of December?

Santa Ana Wendy: I’d love to. It’s not like I have a family to take care of. Or even a boyfriend. Or even kind of like a boyfriend.

Nimbostratus Nick: Eh, you know, I got the in-laws in town till the third so yeah, I’ll take it. Hehe.

Low Pressure System Laura: Great, Nick, it’s yours till noon. Wendy, you’ve got the whole afternoon to cry it out.

Nimbostratus Nick: Boom goes the lightning.

Santa Ana Wendy: sniff, sniff.

But today was filled with plenty of solutions for cabin fever since it was the first sunny day in Nashville since 2007! Or Wednesday. I scurried around the city beginning with lunch in East Nashville. A friend of mine from college was in town to visit family so we met up for lunch at the Rosepepper Cantina. It offers a delicious Mexican menu, earning 5 out of 5 stars. Today I ordered chicken quesadillas (large order, but they also offer a small portion). Most quesadillas I’ve seen are very flat, but this order stands about a half inch high, which was a pleasant surprise. It comes with guacamole and sour cream on the side, both extremely generous amounts. My friend got some sort of chicken salad which she said was great. We said our goodbyes and I was on the highway back home to pick up the dogs.

Taking advantage of the warmest part of the day, we hit the dog park. Piper, a 2-year-old beagle, acts like a crabby senior citizen at the dog park, so she proceeded to snap at any dog who sniffed her wrong (as if there is a “right” way to sniff anyone?). Asia, a 10-month-old beagle/blue heeler/lab mix has no enemies so she ran with big dogs, small dogs, furry dogs, puppy dogs, dainty dogs, tough dogs, silly-looking dogs, and even one that looked like a marble floor.Later in the afternoon, I watched a basketball team coached by my two friends (not Shawn and Gus, see Christmas Vacation part 1). Fun to watch but not when the referees blow some key calls! I asked one of them, “So this is what you do when you’re not refereeing SEC football games? Hiiiiyyyooooooo!” Just kidding, I didn’t say “hiyo.”

Came home and laid on the bed, promising myself it would just be a for a few minutes. You know what they say, though, “He who lays down for a few minutes is like the puppy who laid down in bed only to wake up in the bed of a moving truck.” Boy, when they’re right, they’re right. I almost missed dinner.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Christmas Vacation

I thought I could make it well into my 2-week Christmas vacation before cabin fever set in, but yesterday I had to get out of the house and today… is day 2. Yesterday I went out for a few more Christmas gifts. Asking the CVS/Pharmacy cashier, “Hi, where are the Chia Pets?” was both a high and low point for the day, but I came home with a few gifts (no Chia Pet because they weren’t on aisle 7) and a fantastic little iron from Thriftsmart.What can I say? Sometimes good things happen to good people. I finished day 1 with my funny friends Shawn and Gus. Btw, you can also appreciate their humor and clever wit, all while following along with a dramatic police investigation. Catch all new episodes of Psych in January.

Day 2. Today I woke up with the best intentions. I had a mental list of all I wanted to accomplish but you know what they say, “Wake up with good intentions and you might as well be a dog barking in the back of an old pick-up truck.” Boy, when they’re right, they’re right. I was able to do a ‘first’ today, though. I’ve lived in my house for over 2 years, and today, I put up a picture. You know what they say, “A house ain’t a home till you put up a picture.” The walls were as bare as a naked bum, but now, there’s this:

The Lost by Phillip M. Turner


I also went to Aquatic Critter, known for their wide assortment of freshwater fish, saltwater fish and reptiles.

From L to R: Spike Wilder, Daisy Wilder, Breck Wilder, Tiger Wilder, Torpedo Wilder, Roger Wilder

Merry Christmas everyone.

114,965 and Counting: Highlights from Out of the Wilderness

As the blog approaches 115,000, take a look at the original postings that garnered the most views, and a few more personal favorites. Thanks for reading!

Brad Womack’s Tattoo: Brad Womack was a contestant on The Bachelor. Lots of folks are curious about his tattoo. This post has photos.Boney M in a Green Taxi: a band gaining fame in the 1970s and responsible for a Christmas holiday classic, “Mary’s Boy Child.”10 Signs He’s Into You: for all the ladies out there, find out if the man you have a crush on, has a crush on you! The Side Hug: for those people who want to hug you, and you’re too nice to say “no.”My Dog Rolls Around On Dead Animals, and Why I Do, Too: The instinct of a dog is to smell like it’s prey. This post dives further into that behavior and how people sometimes do the same thing.