Remember the days when your parents used to dress you? OK, I don’t either but as the parent of 2 dogs, I’ve taken it upon myself to put clothes on them whether they like it or not. “I’m your father,” I say when they give me those sad puppy eyes, literally. “You will put this Christmas sweater on. Oh, and smile when your grandparents get here! They drove a long way to see you guys.”
Thanks to my buddy at work who doesn’t have a dog (yet!) for this beautiful sweater that I’m sure my dogs will never chew up or avoid. I mean, take a look, they’re nothing if not thrilled to be wearing such a warm and festive sweater!
10. When you get to your company Christmas party, you hear someone announce, “The fruitcake has arrived!” but you brought cookies.
9. Your most recent Facebook status: “my chesnuts havent roasted on an open fire in months. lol”
8. You haven’t shaved your legs since October because, “Hey, it’s winter, I’ll just wear jeans.”
7. At every white elephant party you attend, you launch into a lengthy diatribe about the plight of the albino elephant. Then you storm out.
6. Christmas morning consists of waking up, eating a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and watching the Christmas episode of Full House, the one where the Tanners get stuck in an airport terminal. Everyone’s worried Santa won’t find them but then a man shows up who looks like Santa. They all think it’s Uncle Joey but then it turns out it was the real Santa.
5. Christmas lights in your yard have no recognizable pattern, until you see them from the air. It reads “Got A Spouse?”
4. You aren’t currently dating anyone.
3. You volunteer to be Santa at the mall and after kids tell you their wish, you tell them your wish is to meet their mom.
2. Your name is Kobe Bryant.
1. You get fired as Santa at the mall when you walk into Victoria’s Secret confessing to the women it’s not a candy cane in your pocket, and yes, you’re happy to see them.