Spray Now or Forever Hold Your Pee

I’ve been hearing chatter about an upcoming toilet paper shortage. I thought these days were past us, people! Good thing today’s post will wipe the slate clean by flushing your fears and giving you a fresh feeling of happiness. I’m declaring from the porcelain throne that now is the time to take the plunge, make a splash, spray the things, with your very own bidet! For under $100, you can get one that attaches to your current toilet. Easy peasy. I installed one last year and I’ll tell you with 100% certainty that I haven’t regretted it for a second. I also haven’t used toilet paper in months (of course, you can use TP to dry up after a spray from the bidet, but I like living on the wild side).

This post, however much I wish it was, is NOT sponsored by any bidet companies however if you’re the boss over at Brondell, message me and we can work something out 😉 

There are quite a few options out there but the brand I chose after reading reviews and such was the Brondell SimpleSpa Thinline, only $50 plus if you sign up for their newsletter thingy you get 10% off! Like I said, I don’t get any kickbacks (unless Brondell contacts me at driftwood145@gmail.com), I’m just a big fan. So do your bum a favor by getting one of these today before toilet paper is scarce tomorrow. Then, like me, you’ll be singing, “Oh, happppy bidet! Oh happy bidetttttt… when Brondell washed all my poo away!!” 

-Out of the Wilderness

Should we normalize nakedness?

Each of us were taking turns giving a speech in front of the class. I didn’t have anything prepared and I was VERY nervous. I’ve never liked public speaking, but to decline the assignment would earn a failing grade. I was running through a few ideas of what I could speak about, what I would say. But I was also weighing the idea of taking the F. That’s how much I don’t like this kind of attention! You should also know this was a dream I had last night. Afterall, I’m 42 years old and haven’t been in a classroom for decades! I don’t know why I have dreams about being in school. Am I the only odd ball, or do you dream about that too, sometimes? 

I should mention that we were all adults at our current age in the classroom. This is important info because it’s about to get a little crazy! So there I was sitting at my little desk, looking at the clock and hoping the class ended before it was my turn to give a speech. A few students had already done their talks then a woman got up to deliver her speech. I was a mess with the nerves, still not knowing what I would do when it was my turn. 

Now we get to the crazy part. The woman who was speaking threw me a curveball by daring me to stand in front of the class and get naked! What!? Even the teacher was interested in this. She went to shut the door so no one passing by in the halls would see what was going on. 

And you know what is even more weird? I wasn’t nervous at all about what I was asked to do. Giving a speech in front of the class? NEVER. But undressing because I was dared to? Sure, why not! Perhaps I’m less comfortable with the English language than I am with body language heyo!

So to sum up, birthday suit, yes, public speaking, no. Good to know. But to be serious for a moment, I am SO glad this was just a dream. It was such a relief to wake up in my home… with clothes on, too. What are some weird dreams you’ve had (and are willing to share)? Comment below!

-Out of the Wilderness

Amazon Prime Rapunzel ad – the music, the actress, and the $2,000 ladder!

**Note: Curious about Prime’s Napoleon commercial? Click here for the details**

Amazon is promoting their Prime delivery service, boasting just one day to get what you want. Or in this case, what you NEED. Rapunzel isn’t waiting on a prince, she just needs a ladder. 

The actress. The part of Rapunzel is played by Josephine Lawrence. She’s a relatively new actress to mainstream work, although Google says she died in 1978, so there’s that.

The music. The song playing in the background is Nicki Minaj “Feeling Myself.” I could only stomach about 15 seconds of the song, but if you are a daredevil, check out the full track here. 

Audience response. There are quite a few YouTube comments criticizing its wokeness with Rapunzel being self-reliant and all. Most keenly point out that while she might not need a man, she DID need a delivery person, which definitely could’ve been a man. This delivery person also unpacked the ladder, extended it, and set it up for her descent from the castle. Because of this, the ad doesn’t quite hit the mark, although on the surface it’s fine, I guess. 

I’m just a white man, but I miss the days of music (and relationships) like this. 

The Prime ad doesn’t celebrate a kind, strong man, who “spends quality time with his kids…” Amazon appears to just be falling in line with the woke agenda that says if one man doesn’t treat you like an immortal goddess, YOU MUST HATE ALL MEN.

That address. Can I point out that a ladder tall enough to reach that window has got to be at least 50 feet tall? It might even be 60 feet! Amazon has a 60-ft ladder for two grand. Rapunzel must be doing well on OnlyFans, I guess.

Not to mention, since she has a smartphone, why doesn’t she just call the police to save her from kidnapping or —oh wait, trusting the police is not cool, my bad.

Also, I’ve driven deliveries for Amazon before and in Tennessee, there are addresses that are harder to get to than the remote castle in the commercial. Meaning you basically need a 4-wheeler, a life jacket, and to notify your next of kin because you may not make it out alive. Tip your delivery drivers, folks!

Thanks for stopping by…

-Out of the Wilderness

When the sun is out, every low-flying plane casts a shadow

I tend to notice things that other people might think odd. It’s a quirk of mine that I don’t particularly dislike, even if I feel weird about it sometimes. Like one time when a small plane was flying overhead and it was low enough to cast a clear and defined shadow. I thought, “Oh, I could write a blog called ‘When the sun is out, every low-flying plane casts a shadow.'” But what does that even mean? So the title was all I had. Maybe someone more perceptive or insightful could extract some deep meaning from it. 

I started thinking about shadows and recalled the Bible verse in Psalms about valleys. It’s a popular part of chapter 23. 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me;” 

Shadows. They’re a peculiar thing. They only show up with the sun is out. So I’d like to be encouraged from this verse. Obviously the “…for you are with me” is the MOST encouraging thing, but also I think there is something to take hold of in the fact that when you or I are walking in a shadow, it means the sun is shining. It’s just that something is blocking its light. Now, I love the sun. When it’s a cloudy, dark day, I tend to be less productive, less energetic, less motivated. But when it’s a nice, sunny day, I feel like the world is my oyster. I like going outside even just to feel the sun warm my skin. Things just seem better, more cheery, when it’s bright out. 

So maybe if we think of God as the light in our life, His presence alone can cheer our spirit, make us fearless. Like the DCTalk song, “I wanna be in the light,” things are better when there is nothing blocking the light in our life. But God knows us better than that. Sometimes we are sad, discouraged, etc. But even when something as serious as death (or failure, disappointment, loss, Cardi B music, etc) is causing a discouraging shadow and we feel like we’re in one of life’s valleys, the sun–the light– is bright and it’s not out of reach. God is not out of reach!  

Matthew 4:16 says, “…the people living in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned.” 

I don’t really know how to wrap this up but I think the next time I see the shadow of an airplane I’ll be reminded that there’s only a shadow because there’s light. Shadows come and go, some faster than others! But the sun, the light, God, is always shining and helping us walk THROUGH the valleys and into His light again. What is blocking the light in your life? How can that thing, which is causing the shadow over you, go away? (I’m asking myself this, too)

Thanks for stopping by!

-Out of the Wilderness

With a heavy heart…

You know how a lot of times when someone you know or love passes away, usually there are two more within a short amount of time because it comes in 3s? Well, my heart has been heavy for a few weeks because of a group of three that are no longer on earth. If what the Bible says is true, and I believe it is, these three are all in Heaven so there is rejoicing because of that, but down here on earth it’s a lot less exciting.

Within a few days there was the famed football coach of Florida State, Bobby Bowden. Now I know I come across as this amazing, Hall of Fame adult rec league slow pitch softball player, but I never played college sports so I never knew Bobby Bowden in that way or any personal way. But as long as I was alive, into my 20s, he was the coach of the team I loved my entire life. And when I attended Florida State, he spoke at numerous events I attended. So there is grief, even for me, for his passing. I write more about his passing here. 

My sister-in-law’s father. Just a few months ago if you would have told me this guy would no longer be with us, I would’ve dismissed it as some kind of weird joke. But today, half of my family is in Virginia at his funeral. Even though I didn’t see him very often, I have grief because my sister in law is without a father. Her mom, now a widow. My nieces and nephews lost a grandfather. My heart is heavy for them but I pray to God for His comfort, especially today as they mourn, cry, and remember. 

Talk show host Phil Valentine. Here in Nashville, for as long as I’ve lived here, I’ve listened to Phil Valentine on the radio. Besides having a booming voice that any radio show host would love to have, he was funny, smart, wise, kind, and clever. I never met him but did have the chance to sit in on a live broadcast a few years back where he and other hosts at the station did an hour-long roundtable show. It’s easy to feel like friends of these hosts because they are very intentional about that… including the listener as part of their radio family. Phil was no different. I’ll miss his declaration that something is “bovine scatology,” his impression of a soft millienial, “Snowflake,” Friday’s dancing in the booth with him and Johnny B. Often times he would be about to say something that might get him “in trouble” with upper management so he’d start by saying, “Johnny, get a ‘best of’ ready!” He wouldn’t proceed with anything very controversial, it was just a set up for a common sense thought that might offend a liberal.  But the “get a ‘best of'” line always made me laugh. Sadly, the station had a “best of Phil Valentine” earlier this week after his death on the weekend. 

A heavy heart, but still a glimmer of joy as all of these men lived their life for God. They weren’t shy about their faith and I believe they have now stepped into the eternal part of their reward. There IS some comfort in that, for us left on earth. 

If you need to vent, share your feelings about loss or hope, or just want to reply, please do so below! As much as I like to write, I can read too, so share as you need. 

Thanks for stopping by!

-Out of the Wilderness