6 things you can get on Amazon RIGHT NOW

These are 100% real and you can order them as soon as right now on Amazon. No joke! Side note: If you do happen to order any through the links provided, I get a small commission at no cost to you. Amazon makes me say that but this post isn’t about you purchasing these things, it’s about how downright silly and funny they are. Take a look!

1. Animal socks… so good of quality šŸ™‚ If you’re claiming these are quality, wouldn’t you at least want to spell quality right?

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2. Beer belly… I can’t even with this one.

beer belly

3. Farting coloring book… Now, I actually kinda like this! What kid doesn’t want to color farts? I just hope it’s not a scratch and sniff book.

farting coloring book

4. Hillary toilet paper… clean up, just like Trump did on Election Day 2016

hillary toilet paper

5. Potty Putter… if you hit the ball into the water hazard on this one, good luck getting it out!

potty putter

6. To Texas and back… I don’t mean to nitpick, but both hearts are in Texas. So what’s the “and back” about? They never left Texas, I know it’s a big state but come on!

texas and back

-Out of the Wilderness

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Football coach flips the script on offensive creativity

Indianapolis, IN — It was about two decades ago when Kansas State made a splash in college football introducing the wildcat offense. It was highly effective, so much so that many other football teams including those on the professional level all the way down to peewee ball* incorporated it into their playbook.

In this variation of a run pass option, usually it’s a running back that will line up as the quarterback, take the snap, and either run it themselves or hand it off to another running back lined up in the backfield with them. The team’s quarterback will line up as a receiver, or simply remove themself from the field for the entirety of the wildcat formation.

Since the inception of this defense-confusing-lineup, coaches have become more aware and in turn been able to foil most wildcat variations, which is why it’s mostly fallen off most playbooks on all levels.

Enter coach Trevor Knightby. He was a graduate assistant on the sidelines of his college team when he first saw the wildcat used. It was then, he says, the idea was born for another offensive revelation.

“I had no idea I’d become a head coach one day,” says Knightby, “but my parents wouldn’t let me move back in after college unless I helped my dad out with the local high school’s sucky team– I mean– promising young team.”

The senior Knightby, then the coach of the worst varsity squad in the state, was gently forced out of his position mid-season (although he was allowed to remain on staff as a 10th grade history teacher) and that’s when Trevor took over. “It was the fourth or fifth game that year and pretty much the entire city had moved on to prepare for the upcoming basketball season. We’re known for being an almost average basketball school, so I guess most people thought even that was better than a football team that hadn’t scored a touchdown since Saban was an NFL coach.”

Knightby threw caution to the wind and started running an offense never before seen on any level of football. To call it a variation of the wildcat is a wildcat understatement. Under Knightby’s leadership, this new offense was ghostly, surprising, and could downright cause reactions of apocalyptic proportions.

In his offense, there are 11 players on the field but that’s about where the similarities to the wildcat end. In fact, that’s where similarities to any offense you’ve ever seen end. What you won’t see are running backs, quarterbacks, or passes. Knightby credits his dating life for the new radical offense.Ā “My ‘aha’ moment was actually when I was ghosted by a girl I’d met a few weeks earlier. She was nice, but one day she just disappeared. Haven’t heard from her since.”

Take that to the gridiron and you have an offense line, a handful of wide receivers, and that’s it. The center snaps the ball to an empty backfield (where most teams position a quarterback), causing the defense to feel like the quarterback must be ghosting them. They scramble around assuming they’re missing something but don’t want to be made to look foolish.

This design has yet to earn a win for Knightby’s team, and in fact, at the time of this publication, they haven’t gained any yardage, points, or respect from the city.

-Out of the Wilderness News

*Peewee league teams using the wildcat cannot be confirmed, as none of the news staff has ever actually watched a peewee football game.Ā 

Halloween in middle school

One of my favorite Halloween memories is from way back in middle school. I was living in Stafford, Virginia and I think that year I was either dressed in my dad’s camouflage gear or maybe dressed as a baseball player. We lived in a the perfect neighborhood for trick-or-treating so I was allowed to walk around with a group of my friends.

I can’t remember why, but for some reason I had to go back to my house to get something. My friend Luke Miller came with me. After retrieving whatever it was, he and I went around door to door getting candy and it was so fun. I don’t think we ever caught up with our group of friends but it didn’t matter to me.

I thought it was cool that he was fine hanging out with me, since he was much cooler and I always thought of myself as just a shy kid with super crooked teeth.

Many Halloweens have come and gone since then, tons of candy consumed, but that one was a favorite Halloween from my school days!

-Out of the Wilderness

Nashville to Graceland, part 6

This post wraps up the hunk ‘o love weekend I had with my family. It was a great time, with memories that will last a lifetime! After we finished our tour of Graceland, we returned to Nashville for a couple days of hanging out. On Sunday, we all went to church and then my family started their trip back to Florida. Check out the photos below, and again, thanks for stopping by!

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-Out of the Wilderness

Winter is upon us

I should definitely clarify the title… what I mean is this: Winter is upon me. Because real winter hasn’t officially started. But for me, anything below 50 degrees is winter, and so my winter has already begun here in Nashville. Gone are the days of 90 degree weather [sad emoji]

There are things about winter I like; Christmas, snow, warm fires, walking through chilly, quiet forests, foggy mornings, snuggling with my dogs…

Dang, the more I think about those things the less upset I get. But for now, grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! I wish it was spring already. How many days?

-Out of the Wilderness

World Series umpire reviews new Kanye West album during game 6

Houston, TX — A controversial play in the top of the 7th inning of World Series game 6 halted play between the Houston Astros and Washington Nationals for a quite a bit of time. With the score 3-2 in favor of the Nationals, Trea Turner (Nationals) hit a dinker towards third base. Fielded by the pitcher and rocketed to first baseman Yuli Gurriel, the ball arrived at the same time Turner did, causing some contact between Gurriel and Turner. As the ball went rolling into the outfield, Turner is called safe at first, and scurried to second base.

Protests from the Washington dugout was immediate. Umpires then gathered to review the play, as there was a lot at stake on this call. Confused yet passionate fans became restless awaiting the final decision from umpire Sam Holbrook.

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“The babysitter’s off at 11 tonight so if this guy doesn’t hurry it up, it’s gonna cost me,” said Marcus Franks, a Nationals supporter excited to watch his team possibly win game 6 in Houston.

“I’ve spent less time at the DMV,” said one Houston fan.

47 minutes later, Holbrook upheld the call of runner interference and the game went on. However, in a stunning turn of events, news leaked after the game concerning the lengthy review taken by the umpires. This controversial play was a judgement call, something umpires knew all along. So why the official review? A source within the league, who wishes to remain anonymous, revealed what exactly was going on during the extended delay.

“Kanye West. That’s it. He was listening to Kanye West’s new gospel album.”

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MLB umpire Sam Holbrook, with a look of conviction and repentanceĀ 

Though this was a peculiar time to break away from the rising stakes of the 2019 World Series, umpire Sam Holbrook has not yet been fined. According to Major League Baseball rules, when there is a pause in the game to make an official review, there are no instructions on what exactly needs to be reviewed.

A statement from MLB this morning says in part, “…while we don’t condone Mr. Holbrook’s actions or timing, we do think Kanye’s new album is fire.”

-Out of the Wilderness News