The case of the unfit underwear

I tried to get in and out of Walmart without embarrassing myself too much, but how often do those plans usually work out, right? I was up front with the customer service lady, telling her I need to return my underwear. At first it was just her and I, still embarrassing but at least it was our little secret.

Then somehow it spread to another employee, then another and another! All I wanna do is return these “fashion” briefs for just regular ol’ briefs. Is that too much to ask?

Not to mention, take a look at the pic on the package, no pun intended…

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I was silly to think I could pull these off (I intended that pun). But look at this guy, totally rockin’ the briefs! I swapped out this set of 6 briefs for another set of 7. And I can’t even tell you the amount of times I had to say the size… yes, they’re smalls. Dang it. They were less expensive but not colorful and fashionable. Plain. White. Small. Briefs.

I guess it’s time I face the facts, I’ll always be a tighty whitey kind of guy.

-Out of the Wilderness

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Peanut Butter Toast Crunch is back!

I searched and searched but couldn’t find it anywhere. It became a treasure hunt. A pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. A needle in a haystack. A million to one. Extinct.

I knew it was too good to be true. All confirmed when I got a reply email from General Mills that said Peanut Butter Toast Crunch is no longer available… anywhere. Shortness of breath. Beads of sweat. What is happening?
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I wouldn’t say it sent me into a spiraling tailspin of devastation, disappointment, denial, and flat-out rejection. It was more like a SPIRALING TAILSPIN OF DEVASTATION, DISAPPOINTMENT, DENAIL AND FLAT-OUT REJECTION!!!

There was no cereal that encompassed all the rich goodness peanut butter has to offer like Peanut Butter Toast Crunch. My world was rocked. Breakfast, as I once knew it, was over. Why? Why, I asked. But one person can’t change the mind of a corporation (although I was thankful they replied to my email inquiry).

Years went by. I went off to war with my buddy. He didn’t make it. I returned home and hugged my dad. I restored a big old house. Grew a beard. Wondered where my horse went. OK, that might be the story from The Notebook, and possibly War Horse, but you get the picture. A lot of time passed.
tumblr_lybxu9BCiJ1r2aobgo1_500A few days ago, though, I went to pick up some groceries and there she was. All shiny and new. My Allie! She galloped back into my life and balance was restored. I totally did a double take in the store, and…took a picture. tumblr_mjfkjrR3Km1rtg76ko1_500IMAG1440 -Out of the Wilderness

The Day a Toyota Echo Beat Me in a Drag Race

I thought wearing a fanny pack and watching the Bachelor were enough to prove how uncool I am but today I was reminded again. At a red light I got beat off the line by a Toyota Echo. Toyota doesn’t even make the Echo anymore do they? By the time I was up to highway speed, the echo was in 2015. Unbelievable.

It’s colder than an igloo’s wallpaper here in Nashville but evenso, it’s a nice time of year because people are beginning to show their Christmas spirit. I’ll show mine soon but I have a growing concern about who is and isn’t allowed to have a driver’s license. Two drivers I saw today should not have one. The first car turned left from the center lane. And as if that made it O.K., the car behind that one did the same thing. Unbelievable. I’ve seen that way too often. I’m thankful they didn’t cause any accidents like the one I heard about this morning. Just North of Nashville there was a 47-car pileup. One or two, understandable. Six or seven, wow that’s interesting. Twelve to fifteen, holy moly. But 47????? That’s news you need to sit down for. I bet there were at least 47 people that didn’t have the Christmas spirit this morning.

A few days ago I went to Wal-Mart for groceries. I noticed a young boy, maybe 8 or 9 years old, wearing an earring and hiding behind a clothes rack. I looked around and sure enough, there was another boy looking for him. Classic game of hide-and-go-seek in Wal-Mart. I looked back and earring boy was now crawling on the ground. I’m all for self-expression and I’m all for fun games but I’m sorry, you can’t have an earring and crawl around on the ground playing hide-and-go-seek. I’m sorry, you just can’t do both. The only thing that can do two things well is the El Camino. Is it a truck or is it a car?? Yes. Unbelievable!Hope you enjoy this time of year as much as I do!

Kids These Days

“…the best part is that someone will always call you ‘young.’ You just might have to keep finding older and older people to do it.”

Back in 2009 I was known as “The Guy Who Runs Downtown With Boxes.” That’s not totally true. No one called me that. I called myself that. For a week. I bought some children’s items from Wal-Mart’s online site. They were cheap enough that I listed them on eBay in hopes of making a small profit. As the items–that’s what they were to me, just “items,”  if I let myself become emotionally connected, I’d start calling them “toys” then “awesome toys” then I’d probably keep them for myself–as they sold, I brought them to a nearby UPS store. And why walk to the store when I could run? Cut my travel time in half, really. I never thought I’d be that guy you see running around in jeans and a collared shirt, but there I went weaving through the crowds in downtown Nashville.

Kids see me and say, “Who’s that man running with a box?”

Older people see me and say, “Kids these days.”

I love old people. They make me feel young, and at the same time, they make me want to be old like them.