The Bachelorette In 1,000 Words Or Less: Ashley is a JabbaWockee (Episode 2)

This season of the Bachelorette is moving right along. Two hours into the season and we’ve already established the villain (Bentley), the scape goat (Jeff), the guy everyone likes in the beginning but gets annoyed with pretty quick (William), and of course, the guy who wins the season’s final rose (Ryan P.??).

Episode Two begins with a date card for William Holman. If you’re not familiar with the “date card” it’s basically an index card with pick-up lines thought up by Bachelorette interns. William’s date card said this: “Want to make a splash in Vegas? I do.” It was from Ashley (thank goodness) so she picks him up in a convertible Maserati Gran Turismo (retails at $139,700.00). They arrive in Vegas with a montage of casino highlights, which means we saw three clips of non-identifiable casino games and the outside of every popular hotel on the strip. This date included stuff that on any real first date, the guy would never ever ever want see this girl again. They shopped for a wedding cake and rings, followed by an odd test for William: They met with a wedding chapel minister and went through the process of getting married, until Ashley couldn’t say “I do.” Poor William, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. They end up kissing, though, so he’s got that going for him. Ashley admits she’s falling for him. They eat dinner in front of the Bellagio fountains then are serenaded by Colbie Caillat singing “Brighter Than the Sun.”

Ashley: “I want you to be you.”

William: “I am me.”

William opens up about his dad being an alcoholic. Ashey offers him the rose (him, not his dad.)

The next date card arrives for 12 guys: Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames.

Date card: “In sin city, boys will be boys,” so the boys fly to Las Vegas to meet her there. They walk into a huge theater where Ashley announces they’ll be split into two teams: “White Guys Can’t Dance” and “White Guys Really Can’t Dance,” both being helped out considerably by the professional dance crew, JabbaWockeeZ. Those weren’t their real team names, but does it matter? “White Guys Can’t Dance” won so they got to eat dinner and have some down time with Ashley. The other team was flown back to L.A. for a night without Ashley.

“I want to throw myself in the engine right now.” (Matt after he and his losing team land in L.A.)

After Ashley and the guys perform with the JabbaWockeeZ, she chats with Blake, then West. West reveals his controversial past (supposedly his deceased wife’s mother isn’t convinced of his innocence in her daughter’s death… dun dun duuuunnnn dramatic music).

Ashley and Bentley have some alone time in a hotel room, Bentley proving more every second that the producers are ratings-hungry. If he wasn’t intentionally planted there by the producers as “the disliked villain,” I’d be shocked. How Ashley can’t see this for herself is beyond me, so of course, Bentley ends up with the group date rose.

The last date was decided by a coin flip between Mickey and J.P. Mickey won so they meet up for a date. He asks when she cried last, she says it was the last time she watched an episode of the Bachelor. Finally I have something in common with Ashley. I have a feeling we cried for completely different reasons, though. The date goes well after many coin tosses deciding each step of the date. He gets a rose at the end of this date… via coin flip.

One of the more dramatic scenes happened when Nick was teaching Ashley line dancing. William stepped in and took her away, completely violating the The Bro CodeIf you already have a rose, you shall not steal the girl away from a fellow bro who does not already have a rose. He chats with her and they kiss.

Jeff chats with Ash in the yellow stairwell and gives her a brief rundown on his life story. She asks why he got divorced. They’d been married for 10 years, she was untruthful about something, so he moved on. He takes his mask off. Her reaction: didn’t happen because Matt stepped in and stole her away. The mask will have to wait another episode, if he gets a rose.

Later she chats with Ben C., which fans are probably referring to as “the other Ben” (Ben F. is a favorite). He actually seems pretty cool.

William goes on and on with the guys about his date with Ash. Tolerance levels are reaching dangerous heights at this point. Who knew William would turn out to be a nuisance? Bentley also gets some time alone with Ashley, even after he said he rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with Ash. He gets her alone and they kiss. I find it hard to believe Ashley’s completely unaware of the producer’s charade with Bentley, so here’s an easy way to figure it out: Ashley is to the Bentley charade as Pakistan is to Bin Laden’s whereabouts. In other words, they all know.

Roses go to: (William, Bentley, Mickey already have roses), West, Constantine, Ryan P., Ben C., Nick, Ames (only one not wearing his suit jacket, just a vest), Lucas, Jeff, J.P., Chris, Ben F., and Blake.

Sent home: Stephen, Matt, and Ryan M.

“Life is definitely not fair.” Ryan M. after being eliminated. Just a note to Ryan M., the worst reason to say “life is definitely not fair” is a Bachelorette elimination.

If you liked this post, check out 10 signs your date was a contestant on The Bachelor.

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