The Bachelorette Ashley, Episode 7: Ryan P. Talks About Water Heaters

After a July 4th holiday break, The Bachelorette show comes back with fireworks of it’s own. From a date that ended with the guy sent home to a surprise rose recipient, episode 7 offered a dose of romance, a splash of humor and a few heart-breaking moments with past contestant Emily Maynard.

Let’s start with the good stuff.

that's me with a mustache

Ok, now on to the drama. Ryan P. is the last remaining contestant who has never got a one-on-one date and he’s determined to get one this week. There are three single dates so he’s got a chance but the first date went to Constantine. They take a train ride. This’ll probably be recorded as the shortest date in Bachelorette history because if you blinked, the next guy you saw was Ben F. Ben’s date began with a scooter ride up a mountainside. Major points to Ben for his Dumb & Dumber reference. Did you catch it? Was it:

A. telling the story of a guy he once met named Sea Bass
B. talking about Samsonite luggage
C. singing, “Goodbye my loooooooooove!” then bumping into the car ahead of him
D. a reference to Harry and Lloyd riding the mo-ped together

I’ll give a rose to whoever gets the right answer. So Ashley’s date with Ben F. went on and on… and on… and on…. until night turned into day. Where I come from we call that a sleepover. This made the guys jealous, especially J.P. He pouted, didn’t talk to the guys and the little vein in his head popped out. His low spirits made the group date almost unbearable for the two other guys there, Ames and Lucas. Doesn’t it suck when you’re on a date with a girl and one of the other guys on the date has a bad attitude? Man, that’s never fun. But anyway, J.P. got the group date rose. I guess it’s true what they say, “the squeaky wheel gets the grease.” Anyway, the last one-on-one date went to the joyous Ryan P.

Ryan: “Have I talked to you about water heaters?”

Not really. I got my pen and paper out, but son of a gun, right when he was gonna give advice on saving hot water and some money, they cut to an Ashley voice-over. Turns out water heaters aren’t the way to a woman’s heart, so Ashley sends Ryan home without a rose. My guess is that’s not the last we’ll see of Ryan P. Here’s a picture of my cousin Will getting married.

that's him standing by the bride

The last 20 minutes was dedicated to confirming what we knew two months ago. Brad and Emily are over. Minus five points for Emily’s reference to the catchphrase of the year, “dot, dot, dot…” Why must we somehow include Bentley in every episode? Although, “dot, dot, dot…” is a pretty fun thing to include in, what?
A. conversations

Yep, that’s the right answer. Ryan and Lucas were sent home without a rose. Roses went to J.P., Constantine, Ben F., and Ames. And my eBay package from China arrived torn and with nothing in it. Thanks a lot Postal Service.

"WE CARE"

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The Bachelorette in Chiang Mai, Thailand

The lucky guys are still in Thailand trying to win Ashley’s love and devotion, this time, in Chiang Mai, Thailand. I liked how last week when Ashley announced they’d be going to Chiang Mai, Thailand all the guys cheered. Come on, no one besides Ames really knew where it was. But that’s where they found themselves and so they settle in to the Mandarin Oriental dadada Hotel. Ashley’s monologue about how she’s ready for new beginnings was accompanied by the music of Crystal Pepsi. I became inspired, and thirsty.

This is the first episode featuring a two-on-one date, but first, let’s see who got the one-on-one date. It went to Ben F., the winemaker from California. Their date included two pink shirts, a rickety 3-wheeler and a trip to the downtown market. I was expecting the Thai version of a flash mob, but they made umbrellas, instead. Wouldn’t it be cool if every episode had a flash mob from now on? Anyway, Ben had pink striped shorts on, too. I think it worked but what do I know? I do stuff like this:

After the umbrellas Ben F. and Ashley view an ancient temple. They aren’t allowed to kiss near the temple, so they close their eyes and kiss, Representative Weiner style, a.k.a. in their minds. Later, Ben F. and Ashley eat dinner at a breathtaking picnic setup including candles, flowers, and well, food. Ben F. opens up about his dad dying. Ashley replies with a “rhhhhhhhhhlly” which is a breathy way to say “really.” I suppose that means she was extremely moved by Ben’s story. So when you want someone to know you’re sympathetic, add h’s to the words you uhhhhse. Ben F.’s fan base is sure to grow after this date, so does his chances with Ashley. She gives him the rose that was at stake, then they kiss.

The group date included Constantine, Ames, Nick, Blake, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., and Mickey. They guys take part in Muay Thai boxing which is basically kickboxing. The guys boxed each other in short one-on-one matches. The matches really could’ve went either way, but there were some winner and losers. Ames lost his match to Ryan P. and actually went to the hospital. He later caught up with the gang at dinner. Ashley pulled him aside to make sure he was alright. Ames explained the doctor said he was suffering from being totally in love… and a mild concussion.

Did anyone else notice the excessive use of cell phone video camera footage? I guess no one’s safe from the budget crunch, eh, ABC? Cheer up, you still have “101 Ways to Leave a Game Show” game show.

Blake gets the rose from the group date, which he accepts and then kisses Ashley. The first two-on-one of the season went to William and Ben C. and one of the guys will go home at the end of the date. William comes across awfully arrogant in his interviews, a side we haven’t really seen before. The three take a log raft ride down a river and I’m suddenly having flashbacks of the one time I watched Deliverance.

William talks separately with Ashley and proceeds to throw Ben under the bus, something he said he wasn’t doing. He told Ashley what Ben said to the guys about wanting to get back to online dating. In a shocking twist, Ben C. is sent home immediately. Ashley and William sit down for dinner where Ashley took a longer than comfortable sip of her drink. Why? Because she was about to send William home, too. Bam. William’s now wondering “…what was Ben C. saying about Match.com again? Or was it OKCupid?”

Later Ashley meets the guys for the cocktail party. She has some ultra boring talks with the guys, sponsored by my DVR. Fast forwarding to the rose ceremony, roses went to: (Ben F. and Blake earlier), Constantine, Lucas, JP, Ames, Mickey, Ryan P. The men sent home were (Ben C. and William earlier), Nick.

Quote of the episode… Ashley: “hhhhhyy gyyyyys” (a breathy “hey guys”)

Thanks for reading! For a relationship that has a better chance of surviving, and is simply more real, check out these two people getting married:

The Bachelorette Episode 4: Ryan P’s “Awww Shucks” Face.

Ashley and the guys begin the episode by flying to Phuket, Thailand. I’m going to stray from my normal post and write in the style of the well-known if not famously popular Nick Shell, so without further ado… here it goes…

One of the beautiful Asian women

Video shots of Thai motorboats: 5

Video shots of the sun: 0

Beautiful Asian women: 2

red shoes: 1 pair (Blake)

How many Thai people were offended by the short shorts Ashley wore: all

Commercials with Asian women in them: 7

Umbrellas: 8

Constantine's socks

Thai man giving marriage advice: 1

What Ashley has that she’s ready to give away again: her heart

Socks at the beach: 1 pair (Constantine)

Ashley compared to fruit or a guinea pig: 2

Elephants painted on a wall: 1

New mattresses for the Baan San Fan Orphanage: 4

Cute orphaned kids: 10 (out of 10)

“buzzing around me”: 2

Ryan awww shucks 1

Ryan awww shucks 2

Bachelor that has already been to Thailand for cooking school: 1 (Ames)

“awww shucks” face from Ryan P.: 7

Awesome Fantasy Bachelorette Leagues: 1

Roses went to: Constantine, Ben F., Ames, Lucas, Ryan P., J.P., Nick, Mickey, Blake, William, Ben C.

Sent home: West

The Bachelorette In 1,000 Words Or Less: Ashley is a JabbaWockee (Episode 2)

This season of the Bachelorette is moving right along. Two hours into the season and we’ve already established the villain (Bentley), the scape goat (Jeff), the guy everyone likes in the beginning but gets annoyed with pretty quick (William), and of course, the guy who wins the season’s final rose (Ryan P.??).

Episode Two begins with a date card for William Holman. If you’re not familiar with the “date card” it’s basically an index card with pick-up lines thought up by Bachelorette interns. William’s date card said this: “Want to make a splash in Vegas? I do.” It was from Ashley (thank goodness) so she picks him up in a convertible Maserati Gran Turismo (retails at $139,700.00). They arrive in Vegas with a montage of casino highlights, which means we saw three clips of non-identifiable casino games and the outside of every popular hotel on the strip. This date included stuff that on any real first date, the guy would never ever ever want see this girl again. They shopped for a wedding cake and rings, followed by an odd test for William: They met with a wedding chapel minister and went through the process of getting married, until Ashley couldn’t say “I do.” Poor William, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. They end up kissing, though, so he’s got that going for him. Ashley admits she’s falling for him. They eat dinner in front of the Bellagio fountains then are serenaded by Colbie Caillat singing “Brighter Than the Sun.”

Ashley: “I want you to be you.”

William: “I am me.”

William opens up about his dad being an alcoholic. Ashey offers him the rose (him, not his dad.)

The next date card arrives for 12 guys: Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames.

Date card: “In sin city, boys will be boys,” so the boys fly to Las Vegas to meet her there. They walk into a huge theater where Ashley announces they’ll be split into two teams: “White Guys Can’t Dance” and “White Guys Really Can’t Dance,” both being helped out considerably by the professional dance crew, JabbaWockeeZ. Those weren’t their real team names, but does it matter? “White Guys Can’t Dance” won so they got to eat dinner and have some down time with Ashley. The other team was flown back to L.A. for a night without Ashley.

“I want to throw myself in the engine right now.” (Matt after he and his losing team land in L.A.)

After Ashley and the guys perform with the JabbaWockeeZ, she chats with Blake, then West. West reveals his controversial past (supposedly his deceased wife’s mother isn’t convinced of his innocence in her daughter’s death… dun dun duuuunnnn dramatic music).

Ashley and Bentley have some alone time in a hotel room, Bentley proving more every second that the producers are ratings-hungry. If he wasn’t intentionally planted there by the producers as “the disliked villain,” I’d be shocked. How Ashley can’t see this for herself is beyond me, so of course, Bentley ends up with the group date rose.

The last date was decided by a coin flip between Mickey and J.P. Mickey won so they meet up for a date. He asks when she cried last, she says it was the last time she watched an episode of the Bachelor. Finally I have something in common with Ashley. I have a feeling we cried for completely different reasons, though. The date goes well after many coin tosses deciding each step of the date. He gets a rose at the end of this date… via coin flip.

One of the more dramatic scenes happened when Nick was teaching Ashley line dancing. William stepped in and took her away, completely violating the The Bro CodeIf you already have a rose, you shall not steal the girl away from a fellow bro who does not already have a rose. He chats with her and they kiss.

Jeff chats with Ash in the yellow stairwell and gives her a brief rundown on his life story. She asks why he got divorced. They’d been married for 10 years, she was untruthful about something, so he moved on. He takes his mask off. Her reaction: didn’t happen because Matt stepped in and stole her away. The mask will have to wait another episode, if he gets a rose.

Later she chats with Ben C., which fans are probably referring to as “the other Ben” (Ben F. is a favorite). He actually seems pretty cool.

William goes on and on with the guys about his date with Ash. Tolerance levels are reaching dangerous heights at this point. Who knew William would turn out to be a nuisance? Bentley also gets some time alone with Ashley, even after he said he rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with Ash. He gets her alone and they kiss. I find it hard to believe Ashley’s completely unaware of the producer’s charade with Bentley, so here’s an easy way to figure it out: Ashley is to the Bentley charade as Pakistan is to Bin Laden’s whereabouts. In other words, they all know.

Roses go to: (William, Bentley, Mickey already have roses), West, Constantine, Ryan P., Ben C., Nick, Ames (only one not wearing his suit jacket, just a vest), Lucas, Jeff, J.P., Chris, Ben F., and Blake.

Sent home: Stephen, Matt, and Ryan M.

“Life is definitely not fair.” Ryan M. after being eliminated. Just a note to Ryan M., the worst reason to say “life is definitely not fair” is a Bachelorette elimination.

If you liked this post, check out 10 signs your date was a contestant on The Bachelor.