The Bachelorette In 1,000 Words Or Less: Ashley is a JabbaWockee (Episode 2)

This season of the Bachelorette is moving right along. Two hours into the season and we’ve already established the villain (Bentley), the scape goat (Jeff), the guy everyone likes in the beginning but gets annoyed with pretty quick (William), and of course, the guy who wins the season’s final rose (Ryan P.??).

Episode Two begins with a date card for William Holman. If you’re not familiar with the “date card” it’s basically an index card with pick-up lines thought up by Bachelorette interns. William’s date card said this: “Want to make a splash in Vegas? I do.” It was from Ashley (thank goodness) so she picks him up in a convertible Maserati Gran Turismo (retails at $139,700.00). They arrive in Vegas with a montage of casino highlights, which means we saw three clips of non-identifiable casino games and the outside of every popular hotel on the strip. This date included stuff that on any real first date, the guy would never ever ever want see this girl again. They shopped for a wedding cake and rings, followed by an odd test for William: They met with a wedding chapel minister and went through the process of getting married, until Ashley couldn’t say “I do.” Poor William, always the bridesmaid, never the bride. They end up kissing, though, so he’s got that going for him. Ashley admits she’s falling for him. They eat dinner in front of the Bellagio fountains then are serenaded by Colbie Caillat singing “Brighter Than the Sun.”

Ashley: “I want you to be you.”

William: “I am me.”

William opens up about his dad being an alcoholic. Ashey offers him the rose (him, not his dad.)

The next date card arrives for 12 guys: Constantine, Ryan M., Chris, Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt, and Ames.

Date card: “In sin city, boys will be boys,” so the boys fly to Las Vegas to meet her there. They walk into a huge theater where Ashley announces they’ll be split into two teams: “White Guys Can’t Dance” and “White Guys Really Can’t Dance,” both being helped out considerably by the professional dance crew, JabbaWockeeZ. Those weren’t their real team names, but does it matter? “White Guys Can’t Dance” won so they got to eat dinner and have some down time with Ashley. The other team was flown back to L.A. for a night without Ashley.

“I want to throw myself in the engine right now.” (Matt after he and his losing team land in L.A.)

After Ashley and the guys perform with the JabbaWockeeZ, she chats with Blake, then West. West reveals his controversial past (supposedly his deceased wife’s mother isn’t convinced of his innocence in her daughter’s death… dun dun duuuunnnn dramatic music).

Ashley and Bentley have some alone time in a hotel room, Bentley proving more every second that the producers are ratings-hungry. If he wasn’t intentionally planted there by the producers as “the disliked villain,” I’d be shocked. How Ashley can’t see this for herself is beyond me, so of course, Bentley ends up with the group date rose.

The last date was decided by a coin flip between Mickey and J.P. Mickey won so they meet up for a date. He asks when she cried last, she says it was the last time she watched an episode of the Bachelor. Finally I have something in common with Ashley. I have a feeling we cried for completely different reasons, though. The date goes well after many coin tosses deciding each step of the date. He gets a rose at the end of this date… via coin flip.

One of the more dramatic scenes happened when Nick was teaching Ashley line dancing. William stepped in and took her away, completely violating the The Bro CodeIf you already have a rose, you shall not steal the girl away from a fellow bro who does not already have a rose. He chats with her and they kiss.

Jeff chats with Ash in the yellow stairwell and gives her a brief rundown on his life story. She asks why he got divorced. They’d been married for 10 years, she was untruthful about something, so he moved on. He takes his mask off. Her reaction: didn’t happen because Matt stepped in and stole her away. The mask will have to wait another episode, if he gets a rose.

Later she chats with Ben C., which fans are probably referring to as “the other Ben” (Ben F. is a favorite). He actually seems pretty cool.

William goes on and on with the guys about his date with Ash. Tolerance levels are reaching dangerous heights at this point. Who knew William would turn out to be a nuisance? Bentley also gets some time alone with Ashley, even after he said he rather swim in pee than plan a wedding with Ash. He gets her alone and they kiss. I find it hard to believe Ashley’s completely unaware of the producer’s charade with Bentley, so here’s an easy way to figure it out: Ashley is to the Bentley charade as Pakistan is to Bin Laden’s whereabouts. In other words, they all know.

Roses go to: (William, Bentley, Mickey already have roses), West, Constantine, Ryan P., Ben C., Nick, Ames (only one not wearing his suit jacket, just a vest), Lucas, Jeff, J.P., Chris, Ben F., and Blake.

Sent home: Stephen, Matt, and Ryan M.

“Life is definitely not fair.” Ryan M. after being eliminated. Just a note to Ryan M., the worst reason to say “life is definitely not fair” is a Bachelorette elimination.

If you liked this post, check out 10 signs your date was a contestant on The Bachelor.

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Music Roulette: 50 Songs in 1 Paragraph

How many songs can you identify? The first hint is that there are fifty songs listed, and each song lyric connects to the next through one or more overlapping words. Good luck! (you can look at the key words listed on this post for some help!)

I miss those blue eyes. How you kiss me at night, I miss the way we sleeps tonight. Aweemba wop, aweemba wop, a weemba wopbobaloobop a wop bam boom shake, shake, shake the room. She was struck down, it was her doom. Annie, are you ok? So, Annie are you still mine? I need your love. Godspeed your love to me, wanna talk about I, wanna talk about number one, oh my me my, what I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see, by the dawn’s early light? What so proudly we hailed at the cross, at the cross where I first saw the light, and the burden of my heart breaks, no, it don’t break even if he promised me the world. Just remember I’m forever your girl you know it’s true. Ooo ooo oooo, I love you every step of the way and I will always love you so, promise I’ll never let you go, in the still of the night. In the still of the Britney song was on, and the Britney song was on, and the Britney song was on a white, sandy beach of Hawai’i. The sound of the ocean soothes my name and it’s probably ’cause you think you’re cooler than me burn, but that’s alright because I like the way it hurts, I like the end. And you could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. Take it on the run, baby. If that’s the way you want it, baby, then I don’t want you around ’cause you know where I’ll be found, when I come around. And when you smile that smile the whole world turns upside down. Whenever you come around the corner when she comes. She’ll be coming around the corner. That’s me in the spotlight losing my song. It is my song. Now I live every day like there will never be a last one till they’re gone, like Frank Sinatra. Like Elvis and his mom. Like Al Pacino’s cash, nothing lasts in this life, back to reality. Back to life, back to me, will you? Baby, just come to my window, crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon, you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart for the first time, and I was like baby, baby, baby. Oh, baby you, you got what I need. But you say he’s just a friend. But you say I only hear what I want to: I don’t listen hard, don’t pay attention to the distance that you’re running down a dream that never would come from, rain is a good thing. Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey. Whiskey makes my girl. Talking ’bout my girl. My chick bad, my chick hood. My chick do stuff that yo’ chick wish she could be the one. He’s lightning. Spark’s are flyin’. Everywhere I go he’s always on my mind. You were always on my minds. And we can’t build our dreams on suspicious minds eye, I see your face, you smile as you show me grace. In my woody I would take you everywhere I go. So I say from me to you, I will make your dreams come true. Do you still love me tomorrow? Tonight with words unspoken, you said I’m the only one life, but we’re not the same. We get to carry each other. Carrying your love with me. West Virginia down to Tennessee. Take me to another place. Take me to another land, this land is my land, from California, to the New York Islands in the stream, that is what we are. No one in between, how can we be wrong? Sail away with me, to be on the ground. Your head is there to move your around. So stand.