Front end car brake lights

I’m not shy about telling people I came up with the dual sliding doors for vans. It’s just that I was a little kid and didn’t know what to do with that idea. Well, here it is. My next big idea. It’s going to be a gigantic success as soon as people realize the need for it. Are you ready? You’re not ready. You can’t handle the truth. OK, here it is… brake lights on the front of cars. I know, right?

When I’m turning left and crossing oncoming traffic, it would be nice to see that the car barreling towards me at 50 mph is slowing down. Or if highway traffic in front of me is coming to a standstill, I can check the rear view to confirm the guy behind me is aware, and braking.

You heard it here first, folks!
-Out of the Wilderness

something like this?
something like this?
or this?
or this?

It’ll drive you out of your mind… poison!

I must have a sign on my forehead that says, “doesn’t have enough problems”… as if being short wasn’t enough! Yes, I wish I was a little bit taller, but I really, really wish I’d see poison ivy before I touch it. And then proceed to touch my ear. My eye. My other ear. But to be perfectly honest, I kind of think of it the same way I see sun tans (real ones, like, from the actual sun). A tan from the sun means your outside enjoying all outside has to offer. You get hot, you get sweaty, sometimes you get burned, but hey, you’re out there. You’re experiencing the marvelous wonder that is nature. Same with poison ivy. I was out there climbing through trees. I was helping my dogs track a mole. I was watching deer trot by. Given the opportunity to be outside on a nice day, don’t mind if I don’t!

Soon the itching will stop but one thing remains the same: cats really are the worst.

You can take the dog out of the wild, but…

We were walking, we were wagging our tails, everything was fine then BAM! I’m bleeding with poop in my hand.

How did we get there so fast, you ask? Well, it happens when you have dogs. I took Piper and Asia to a nearby greenway, one of my favorites because it runs along Mill Creek in south Nashville. About a half-mile in we left the pavement to go down to the creek. They were panting so this was a great opportunity for them to cool their little paws in the rocky rush of cool water. Totally would’ve been awesome had they not discovered something in the brush near the creek that day. I didn’t know what that something was but I could see they were both chewing it. I made haste to remove it from both their mouths, having to do a finger sweep on Piper before she ingested the substance. I usually can scare Asia enough to command obedience, but not Piper. When she’s in the wild, she’s a wolf in beagle clothing… a scavenger in every sense of the word. I say that to help paint a picture of me trying to remove what she was eating, and her actively resisting that idea altogether. She was consuming as much as my fingers would let slip by and in her haste, she bit down on my fingers, drawing blood. So now I’m faced with a cut finger that I’m about to rinse in an unsanitary creek. But that’s not even the worst part.

The worst part is I don’t think it was animal poop.

The moral of this story is cats still suck.

-Out of the Wilderness

My Trip to Vanderbilt for a Body Fat Analysis

Anything you’re willing to do on your lunch break is an addiction. Some people smoke. Some eat food. Me and my friend at work? No, we’re not that normal. We get in my car and drive to Vanderbilt Hospital for a silly annual competition that’s very annual, and actually anything but silly. It all started in 2010 when some medical people came to CMT for health screenings. They mostly just check the basics: heart rate, blood pressure, cholestoral levels, that sort of thing. They also measure body fat percentage. For 4 years this is the measurement my friend and I competed in. Two of those he was less fat, and two I was less, which lead us to 2014. A must-win situation because it’s the all-important tie-breaker. We arrived at work that day of the health assessment with excitement only to find out the Tanita Body Composition Analyzer was nowhere in sight! Are you kidding me? I’m just glad they took my blood pressure before I knew the machine wasn’t there. Will we have to wait another year for the tie-breaking numbers? Devastation ensued. That is, until Jill Brewster saved the day! She said to come by Vanderbilt later that day and she’ll break out Tanita for our annual battle.

Long story short, you’re reading the blog of the 2014 victor! Feel free to clap as long as you want. Although, I don’t know what’s more nerdy. That he and I have a body fat competition 5 years running, or that I’m excited enough to write about it. But it does give me an idea for another post. I’m thinking I’ll call it, “Valid reasons I’m still single.”

-Out of the Wilderness